Human Moment

Tonight I had a human moment. With a friend who I have known for years, but never sat next to and really talked to. He gave advice and told me about his family life. I understood him for who he was in that moment. It touched me and felt very good and honest. Two people sharing their lives.

Leaving the party was family like too. Kissing everyone goodbye on the cheek. It was sweet and touching. It made me feel warm. I also got a warm feeling when I made it home in record time. Only 8 minutes after midnight. I left the apartment early because I was feeling good in my soul. I wanted to quit while I was ahead.

Blood Mother Fucking Asshole

If you are lovesick/moody/blue. I share these to you. Martha Wainwright is in perfect tune with my mind these days.




To all those in the world, during these cold days. To Jim, to Noah, to Elizabeth, to Bradley, to K, to Jeff, to Eric, to Colin, to David and to Geoff [have you gotten my package yet?!] I think about each and every one of you everyday and I hope to keep those thoughts in my mind. Not these silly thoughts that have been forcing themselves in.

The Gnawing Bother

I'm going to write before bed and see if that calms this anxious feeling in my stomach. Tomorrow is my Bio Midterm, something I feel under-prepared for, but will pass like all exams. Then is the election, oh I am sure I'm not the only one to be worrying about that.

Then the trip to San Francisco. Oh, that one I am really looking forward to. I am excited to meet people who I admire and great friends that I deeply love. To travel, what a thought. I would have never foreseen my life coming this path.

I think that's what keeps me going in life, it's the twists and turns it takes. Thoughts you had and have continuously. Tonight I did something I don't like. I got lost in thought, the weakness, but it happens to all.

It started during a conversation with a great friend. About dating, life and love. He made a comment, "I just can't see any of us pairing off." It struck a chord and kept echoing in my head.

He was referring to our group of friends. It made me feel really special, because without knowing it I've spent 2.5 years with these guys. I remember being terrified so long ago, because I just wanted them to like me. How strange is that?

They are my first real gay friends and I learned so much by just being around them. That realization was a good point of the day. Then the presentation of being unable to "couple up" hit my desk. It's obviously not true, but sometimes I think about how anyone can really break into a group that's pretty solid. Isn't that the kind of plot used in most movies, but does it happen in real life?

So I let it sit the entire day and that was my fatal error. Then I came home and it grew, as I began to feel overwhelmed. My midterms, the election, my trip, my homework. Why did I agree to go to Spring Awakening?

Oh, wait I don't mind that surprise.

It's a free ticket, it's cathartic bullshit and I need it! Despite the fact there are no Spring Awakening performances on any other Monday besides this one, that's what told me I had to go. If you let life run it's course, sometimes it's a little easier to deal with.

Which leads me back this trip to San Francisco! I lose my points so easily. This trip was originally tentative, but it happened nonetheless. It marks beginnings and continuations.

I know my story, and that's the point it's my own. Is it also ironic that I leave for San Francisco the exact same week that I'd met The Tall Man? 'Tis Fate I swear.

And I go off to see a friend that is a chosen family member. Someone I would love to grow old with, how wonderful to know I can feel this towards someone. She's a female, how ironic. A fellow Cancer and she showed me that kindness in this world can still exist.

Then I'm going to grow a pair of testicles for once and meet someone off of Livejournal. Oh, blogs of yesteryear, if these walls could talk. This story once again goes on and it is my own. So I'll share it with those I see fit.

So I will fall a little behind in my work. I'm letting myself sink into "travel" mode a couple of days early. This trip has been coming for months and the anticipation is almost to much. I only hope those in San Francisco are ready for the surges of emotion that my erupt, or perhaps none will happen at all.

San Francisco: 2 Days.

A Universal Reminder

There will be no sadness in this entry! This week has been slightly intense. It was busy and hectic. With reminders of depression and unhappiness. I remembered the touch of skin and the feel of lips. It made me weak. The season change, full moon, cold weather and being at school all night. They have all played a roll in upsetting my equilibrium.

I wanted to depend on someone again. I wanted to believe that someone out there had my best interests in mind. Someone who does not fully understand who I am or how I work. I often forget that the eccentricities of my mind, are not understood by normal people. Poor, unfortunate, normal souls. The music I can hear, that most can't, sometimes seems worth the trade-off.

I got weak and I began to hate myself again. Just because two men told you they were only interested in fucking you? It's a cruel reminder sometimes and it hurts more than most people can understand. Yet, to most ears, it probably sounds foolish.

The problems with keeping my breath and heartbeat controlled. I get restless, being alone in my room. My roommate being out at the time and the unexpected text message. An offer I could not refuse.

So I returned into the garden. I should not have gone back into the garden, I didn't plan on going back. I feel guilty and a little upset this time, because I was doing so well. I just need a few days to break the after effects off. It'll be difficult, but I've gotten through it before.

Then the days after came. The moment two nights ago when my roommate was upfront and honest with me. I respect that, I take her point into the back of my mind. She has my best interests in mind, of this I can be certain.

Later, I hung out with my friends. I knew that I could hug and swoon and make a fool of myself and not feel judged. Everyone in the room who cared, cared for me and not how I acted.
It's silly to feel tears in those moments, I was content and happy to be in the presence of people who cared for/loved me.

I spent the week with people I couldn't feel close to: The Escort and the people from my school. I felt alone again and that was the downfall. I allowed myself to feel alone again. I'm still not strong enough to be BRAVE all the time. Sometimes, I fall apart and over the silliest things too. Instead of dealing with the issue, I acted out upon it. Not in healthy ways all the time.

The play is through, a chapter has closed. Seven Weeks have gone by without a real notion of passing fully though. When it happened? I'd love to know. Was I even there for it?

Oh, yes, I keep documentation in this thing so I can remember.

Scenes With My Friends: Cup O' Noodles

(IGUANA and his Roommate DIZZY are sitting in the living room and watching TV. IGUANA goes into the kitchen and pours the Cup O' Noodles into a bowl and brings it into the living room.)

DIZZY: What!? You poured your Cup O' Noodles into a bowl? Why would you do that? (Teasingly) It's called Cup O' Noodles for a reason. You eat them from a cup-- (Pause and IGUANA just stares back.) -- Cup O' Noodles. Cup-- (IGUANA stares back, no reaction.) --O' Noodles. You eat them from a cup. The cup they come in? (Silence and eventually she laughs.)

IGUANA: Are you through?

DIZZY: Cup O' Noodles...Okay now I'm done!

IGUANA: Good. Sit back, I'm gonna talk for a bit. (Pause) As you may know, I have lived in some pretty slummy places. I have been homeless, I have sat up all night scratching myself because my bed is currently housing an infestation of bugs. I haven't used a kitchen or a piece of dishware in over three years! I have only known things like plastic and "disposable". Forks that are a shiney, the color of clouds on a spring day. (Beat) And tonight as I was making my Cup O' Noodles. I stopped in the kitchen and thought: Iguana, you live in a nice apartment. With bowls, dishes and spoons! (Small pause) Sure you're eating a Cup O' Noodles! And they are meant to be eaten from a cup! This fact is indeed true! But Iguana, you have a bowl! A real bowl! You can eat your Cup O' Noodles from a porcealin bowl! And you shall! Tonight you shall eat your Cup O' Noodles not from Styrofoam, but from porcelain! (Stands triumphantly and eats some of his noodles. Then quickly gags as he forgot how hot they are.) Phuck!

BLACKOUT

Patti Lu-What? Who-thel Merman?

(IGUANA sits center stage at a desk typing in front of a computer. IGUANA is wearing a pair of pajama pants and a white T-shirt. FRIEND is Instant Messaging IGUANA from somewhere else. We never meet FRIEND. The entire scene isn't spoken, but only reacted to what they write. The text of their conversation is projected onto a screen in an easy to read font. Any of the FRIEND's subtext should be displayed through his typing if possible!)

IGUANA: Well when I'm up for a Tony Award. Go wild! (Smiles at the thought.)

FRIEND: I'd love to see you get one or two, thirty-five years apart of course. (IGUANA laughs out loud.)

IGUANA: Thirty-five years apart!? Wait when the fuck would be my first one? (Laughs)

FRIEND: (Laughs) I don't know, I was trying to reference to Patti LuPone in my awkward non-theater-knowing way.

IGUANA: (Determined) I don't plan living past my sixties, but I know my first Tony isn't coming until my late twenties...(Stops to reconsider.) My mid-thirties.

FRIEND: (Laughs) OK.

IGUANA: (Types furiously) When I get my second one. I'll accept it, (Thinks) do a kick ass speech. Then, just turn into a stone statue on stage. (Gets a better idea) Or bite into a filling of cyanide I'll have put there specially and drop "I got two!". (Triumphant) Dead.

FRIEND: Oh lord, (Laughs) what a spectacle!

IGUANA: (Decides to add on, but slightly change the topic.) On the Broadway message board I read. Someone tried again tonight to mock Patti. It's a daily thing, but is only really allowed for a certain amount of time and they wrote how Ethel's Diction in Gypsy was perfect and Patti's is inaudible and the Patti fans have had enough. One writes: (Reads)

Oh,I'm disappointed. What a silly post and really old stuff. Let's ignore the fact that LuPone's diction is fine in Gypsy. Let's let Liza do it and see how many you Doctor DoLittles complain then

(Beat)

IGUANA: (As if he has written it.) Genius!

FRIEND: I'm afraid that goes mostly over my head, (Laughs)...I am so, so ignorant when it comes to theater.

IGUANA: (Blinks) I'm going back to bed then. (Laughs)

FRIEND: (Laughs) Okay.

IGUANA: (On a mission.) Patti just won her Tony. And some have claimed her the rebirth of Merman Ethel Merman? You know powerhouse Broadway Diva? Starred in 50,000 shows? Cole Porter, Anything Goes? Small cameo in Airplane!

FRIEND: I know the stereotype of her, yes.

IGUANA: (Spelling it out.) You are a gay man, this fact cannot be denied. Everything I mentioned in that sentence is imprinted on EVERY gay man’s brain when they are born. Gypsy, Ethel Merman and Patti LuPone! When you are born all you need to do it see one of these. Just once and you'll know if you're gay or not. It's a proven theory!

FRIEND: Never seen gypsy, don't know the plot, didn't know who Patti LuPone was until Elizabeth made me watch that Will & Grace clip. That's the only way I know her. (Pause)

IGUANA: (Acts as if he’s heard nothing.) Anyway Liza. You know Judy Garlands daughter? Liza Minnelli in case you were wondering

FRIEND: Liza Minnelli?

IGUANA: Yea.

FRIEND: Is Judy garland's daughter?

IGUANA: (Sarcastically) Cause the number of Liza's in the world is numerous. Seriously?

FRIEND: I told you: completely ignorant. (IGUANA turns off the computer.)

SCENES WITH MY FRIENDS: Composer Collboration

ADVISORY WARNING: The following is a work of fiction. None of the things said are proven true. If they are in fact true, then that is merely a coincidence.

(IGUANA sits with FRIEND. It's Tony Award time and thus the conversation is always on some sort of theatre related topic! As the conversation has progressed, they have mixed in the topic of sex. Theatre and sex are IGUANA's two favorite topics and the limits of what comes out of his mouth are limitless. We tune in already in progress.)

IGUANA: (Sits up and his eyes open wide) A shock thought popped into my head! I dare not repeat it...

FRIEND: Well now you have too.

IGUANA: I wonder if Stephen Sondheim fisted Jerry Herman in his Dungeon while John Kander taped it? How strange would that be?! (Long pause)

IGUANA: (Beat) P.S. rumor on the street, from Mary Testa, is Sondheim has a dungeon. (They stare at each other and laugh hysterically at the same moment.)

FRIEND: Almost as weird as Patti snorting a line off Hal Prince's cock. (Laughs)

IGUANA: (Determined to push the limits.) Do you know Carol's famed Hello Dolly song, I Put My Hand In? (Sings) I put my hand in here? I put my hand in there? (FRIEND nods)

IGUANA: I always pictured her fisting Jerry Herman while singing it. (Both laugh)

FRIEND: Sondheim was very hot in his day.

IGUANA: And a total top I'm sure, but still if he has a Dungeon that means he's a man who doesn't discriminate, because you just need to put a mask on them.

(SCENE)

(Young Herman)

(Young Sondheim)

(She's fisting him in this photo)

The World Is Waiting

Today is my final day as a Financial Printer. And if the future is in my favor, I will never be a financial printer ever again. This is monumental in the fact that it has been the longest job I've had consecutively. I have spent two years at this job. On Tuesday, I will be starting my internship. How utterly strange. This is a good sign of things to come, I am sure of it.

Now a scene with my friends:

(ACME Restaurant on the East Side. A group has gathered to celebrate ERIC's birthday party where he has told everyone that Hurricanes are $5. Half of the group of people are drunk, while the other half are sober and wondering how many Hurricanes can one group order.)

IGUANA: (To sober friend) I think I'll just drop my money on the table and run-- (WAITRESS walks up to table)

WAITRESS: Hey, can I ask you a question? Who at the table told you guys that Hurricanes were $5 each?

IGUANA: Oh Jesus! The birthday boy told us all, that's why we came here on a Thursday. How much are they normally?

WAITRESS: Unfortunately that's not true. It's only true at the bar and they're $8.

(IGUANA pauses. Then pauses some more, finally takes another pause. Finally he speaks.)

IGUANA: Well, I suppose we'll take our bill then. I can relay the bad news to the birthday boy and everyone else. So you won't have to incur the wrath.

WAITRESS: Well I talked to my manager and he's gonna give you guys like $30 off the bill. It's better than nothing!

IGUANA: How many Hurricanes did we order?

WAITRESS: 34...

(IGUANA does the math in his head.)

IGUANA: Get the damn check! I suggest getting out of here because a real storm is brewing...