Patti Lu-What? Who-thel Merman?

(IGUANA sits center stage at a desk typing in front of a computer. IGUANA is wearing a pair of pajama pants and a white T-shirt. FRIEND is Instant Messaging IGUANA from somewhere else. We never meet FRIEND. The entire scene isn't spoken, but only reacted to what they write. The text of their conversation is projected onto a screen in an easy to read font. Any of the FRIEND's subtext should be displayed through his typing if possible!)

IGUANA: Well when I'm up for a Tony Award. Go wild! (Smiles at the thought.)

FRIEND: I'd love to see you get one or two, thirty-five years apart of course. (IGUANA laughs out loud.)

IGUANA: Thirty-five years apart!? Wait when the fuck would be my first one? (Laughs)

FRIEND: (Laughs) I don't know, I was trying to reference to Patti LuPone in my awkward non-theater-knowing way.

IGUANA: (Determined) I don't plan living past my sixties, but I know my first Tony isn't coming until my late twenties...(Stops to reconsider.) My mid-thirties.

FRIEND: (Laughs) OK.

IGUANA: (Types furiously) When I get my second one. I'll accept it, (Thinks) do a kick ass speech. Then, just turn into a stone statue on stage. (Gets a better idea) Or bite into a filling of cyanide I'll have put there specially and drop "I got two!". (Triumphant) Dead.

FRIEND: Oh lord, (Laughs) what a spectacle!

IGUANA: (Decides to add on, but slightly change the topic.) On the Broadway message board I read. Someone tried again tonight to mock Patti. It's a daily thing, but is only really allowed for a certain amount of time and they wrote how Ethel's Diction in Gypsy was perfect and Patti's is inaudible and the Patti fans have had enough. One writes: (Reads)

Oh,I'm disappointed. What a silly post and really old stuff. Let's ignore the fact that LuPone's diction is fine in Gypsy. Let's let Liza do it and see how many you Doctor DoLittles complain then

(Beat)

IGUANA: (As if he has written it.) Genius!

FRIEND: I'm afraid that goes mostly over my head, (Laughs)...I am so, so ignorant when it comes to theater.

IGUANA: (Blinks) I'm going back to bed then. (Laughs)

FRIEND: (Laughs) Okay.

IGUANA: (On a mission.) Patti just won her Tony. And some have claimed her the rebirth of Merman Ethel Merman? You know powerhouse Broadway Diva? Starred in 50,000 shows? Cole Porter, Anything Goes? Small cameo in Airplane!

FRIEND: I know the stereotype of her, yes.

IGUANA: (Spelling it out.) You are a gay man, this fact cannot be denied. Everything I mentioned in that sentence is imprinted on EVERY gay man’s brain when they are born. Gypsy, Ethel Merman and Patti LuPone! When you are born all you need to do it see one of these. Just once and you'll know if you're gay or not. It's a proven theory!

FRIEND: Never seen gypsy, don't know the plot, didn't know who Patti LuPone was until Elizabeth made me watch that Will & Grace clip. That's the only way I know her. (Pause)

IGUANA: (Acts as if he’s heard nothing.) Anyway Liza. You know Judy Garlands daughter? Liza Minnelli in case you were wondering

FRIEND: Liza Minnelli?

IGUANA: Yea.

FRIEND: Is Judy garland's daughter?

IGUANA: (Sarcastically) Cause the number of Liza's in the world is numerous. Seriously?

FRIEND: I told you: completely ignorant. (IGUANA turns off the computer.)