Steam Room: Scene III

(IGUANA enters the steam room on another day and it is empty except for a BALD MAN sitting there silently. The moment IGUANA enters the steam room the BALD MAN begins. Upon opening his mouth IGUANA immediately realizes three things: He's gay, he's southern and he's insane.)

BALD MAN: Has it started raining yet?

IGUANA: Huh? Oh. I don't know, I have been in the gym. I think it rained while I was lifting weights.

BALD MAN: I just love rain storms! They're so invigorating!

IGUANA: (Coughs from the steam.) Oh really?

(During the following monologue, the BALD MAN's towel seems to slip more and more from around his waist. IGUANA pays attention only because there is nothing else to pull his focus.)

BALD MAN: I grew up in the south, in South Carolina. And my father and I would always just pull out chairs on the front porch and watch the hurricanes pass by. It was amazing! So Godly in their power! So ever since then every time there is a thunder storm I get so excited and just love to watch them!

IGUANA: (Coughs) Wait, you'd sit and watch hurricanes "pass by"?

BALD MAN: (Laughs gaily) No! Well yes! But, no! The storms in the south are different, much different from those in the north.

IGUANA: (Under his breath) Ah, Belle Reve!

BALD MAN: Hm? They're so strong in the south! But recently they've been very good up here.

IGUANA: I slept through the tornado we had in Brooklyn last year. My mom called me to check if I was still alive. I didn't know what happ--

BALD MAN: Yes! That was in Sunset Park! It was amazing! Trains were held up, trees had fallen. It was muggy and damp. Just like the south! (His towel has moved from around his waist, to now just covering his crotch. He is getting excited.)

IGUANA: (Carefully) Have you ever seen a tornado?

BALD MAN: Yes! Well, no. But, yes! There was once a tornado near my house. But it was behind the house and I was on the other end. So I never saw it.

IGUANA: (Pause) Do I look like a drug addict?

BALD MAN: Hm?

IGUANA: Never mind.

BALD MAN: Wanna know what's also weird. I always dream of thunder storms.

IGUANA: I don't dream.

BALD MAN: Do you just forget them when you wake? Well I dream of thunder storms. I asked my doctor friend what is means. (Changes tone) "What does that mean?" I ask my doctor friend. He tells me that it means my life is unbalanced. (Changes tone) "Your life is unbalanced. Something is wrong." My doctor friend says. Well duh I tell him. (Changes tone) "Duuuuhhhh!!" He suggested it had to do with my sexuality. (Changes tone) No shit! I mean I've always had problems with my sexuality and coming out! So dreaming about Thunder storms must have something else to do with my life. I am trying to figure it out and I just can't seem to understand it!

(At this point the towel is so close to dropping and he is so excited, discretion is term no longer viable in this room. IGUANA jumps up and heads to the door.)

BALD MAN: What? You're going already? That's a short steam!

IGUANA: I need air!