Trying for Depth

I'm gonna try and be deep right now. Well as deep as I can be, which I'm sure is like a small koi pond. I suppose I'll start this post with a poem, as I am sure all deep thinkers do. They begin their thoughts with an opening act:

Oh, Oh, You Will Be
Sorry for that Choice—Redux
By E.Iguana

Oh, oh, you will be sorry for that choice!
Take a moment to fathom what went wrong.
Was it my mouth or my movements that,
Offended you firsthand?
"Oh but I still wish to remain friends!"
Seriously,is that the game you wish to play?
Trying to become the better man,
And I'm supposed to sit here and smile because
You wish to preserve a friendship!
Oh, I will love you still, and all of that,
I will be your pal; granting this wish you request.
I shall be called a close friend and,
Will live up to the title to the nth degree;
You will not see any jealousy of me,
Because I am playing the role a trusty comrade does.
But some insane day, your life has turned
Upside down and inside out.
I shall be waiting and with open arms,
And with my comfort, I shall feel vindicated!

So that's me being angstyish and deep. My Koi pond has pebbles. So onto real issues...

The technical rehearsal for my play didn't take long and wasn't half as painful as I expected. That's because they gave me stuff to do on the light board. Which was an amazing experience! I love wardrobe, yet it was nice to actually be part of the show. "Cue 2...go!" How thrilling to feel that surge through my body as I pushed the button and saw the lights change. And since I like pushing buttons, I was as happy as a monkey.

Then thoughts have been coming and going through my head. I was thinking of meeting up with The Gentleman Caller. Now I'm not one for the dramatics. My life is very boring, I just make it exciting. When I think about this impending meeting I am filled with frustration and anger I know I may do something ridiculous. In my mind I want to slap him, and I am convinced I will feel justified. Someone said, "You won't really do it." Which I agree 95% of the time people don't feel that passionate.

Yet, I think about these discussion items I want to bring up: How dare you pretend we haven't not spoken in 6 months and want to pick up where you left off! How dare you play these mind games with a 22-year-old and never hone up to the responsibilities being the mature 30-year-old that you are! How dare you lead me on for over a year and never wish to bring it out into the open and when I finally was honest with you, you play it off as nothing! Add in how he has a personality disorder and then make him pay for dinner.

I'm not looking to make another friend. The way you treated me shows that you aren't really looking for a friend either.

Wow, typing that out has left me breathless.

The new issue is of my person. I'm trying to figure out what I want, who I am and who I want to become. This all in all is a very trying business on one's emotions. So for the time being I've sworn off sexual encounters with men. This may not seem like the wrong choice, but I'm afraid that I will eventually fear sex. The whole idea that -- I will either separate or give to much liberty to the Romantic Era that seems to have taken refuge in my body. Plus to learn who you are, I do believe that you need human contact in the naked sense. It's how to learn about yourself. So that's what I need to figure out.

So I think that's enough deep thoughts for now. I don't want to O.D.