An Actual Post

Tomorrow is the last day of my internship. How did three months fly by? Well 2³/4 months fly by without my realizing it. As usual I did expect this. There was June, which was filled with with perpetual worry and acrewing my list of things to complain about for the remainder of the summer. Then there was July, birthday, moving and boredom sum up that month. Lastly, now is August and I am about 13 days away until the semester. There was Katherine Hepburn. I suppose this was the summer Iguana met Hepburn. Checkmate indeed!

What has become of this summer? I ask you? I've done much, but so little. I moved, I aged, I crawled out of depression. Okay those are some accomplishments. I've also been stupid and wraith-like at times. Those moments don't need to be relived, they are on file. Reading Long Day's Journey has totally made me realize what I am like when I've been hopped on illegal substances. I think about it, shrug and keep it on file as well.

Mary Tyrone is fascinating, as is Violet from August: Osage County. Two ladies who can't break the habit. Yet, because one was written in 1940 and the other in the 2007. The results are startling similar. My favorite part in A:OC goes something much to the vain that she got clean off drugs, then went back because she liked the world better that way. While Mary apparently has the same feelings, but because every one's to polite to ask. She spends most of the play pretending she's not even doped up on Morphine.

It's not an easy task being fascinated with depression. And no, I haven't found an answer in these characters. I just can understand the point you can get caught into, that you would delve into an altered reality when you face the mundane.

What are years? What is time? It's just a tunnel from one event to the next. There are in between moments, but they're repetitious. You see people, you get to know them. They repeat themselves. You go to work the same time everyday. You sit in the same cubicle. You go to the same place for lunch. You come home and start over once the alarm clock goes off again.

I had these feelings years ago when I read A Home at the End of the World by Michael Cunningham. There's a chapter where Bobby [I think his name was] suddenly jumps seven years because he's sort of given up. I was amazed how Cunningham chose to skip seven years of a character's life. While the others he skipped less.

It was a moment though where I realized that seven years can go by, and there is nothing wrong with that. Sure you're seven years older [30, if I started now]. Life still goes on. You've stalled, but the world has continued to turn.

Now, years later, when my life has taken a turn. A sharp left on a road that was normally straight forward and only a couple of rights every now and then. I want to just be stationary for a while. I want to standstill and breath. I want to openly cry.

Tonight I danced around in my living room with Elizabeth. She watched me play PS2 and then we put on the video I posted before this. And I sang out of key and did my best Annie Golden impersonation. I laughed until I couldn't breath, I made a lean cuisine. Stationary!

What is this? I'm not 10, I'm not just getting used to this. How does one sort out these thoughts correctly? I know at the end of the day I'll still be odd and off. I'll still be loud and awkward. Those are scars of the last 2.5 years. Right now though, I am entering a place I haven't been allowed into. I'm still lost as all hell, but this is a good resting point for the time being.

I'm published.

My last name is officially published and traceable. That's scary and cool. It makes the whole internship a cool little payoff. In my youth it's truly amazing.

In a rush of insanity and panic. I spent way to much money today. I bought tickets to a show in September, purchased some more Katherine Hepburn materials. The Lion in Winter really hooked me into this legend. Granted I caught her in her prime in that movie. I purchased The African Queen, A Long Days Journey Into Night and Me: Memories From My Life by Kate. I figured I'd give her a chance to weave a spell on me. I know her for the ruthless business woman and determined spirit she is.

Then to keep the theme I purchased the complete works of Eugene O'Neill and a book on play writing. I want to inspire myself to start writing again. I have ideas, but no basic training. I can't take the class at school, so I figure let's do it ourselves. You can. That's a big step in a good direction!

I have an angel on my pectoral. It's peeling and itchy. Bill somehow make the wings look like pastel crayons. Bravo Bill, bravo. I was thinking of abandoning him after the last time. For shame!

I spent a night at home tonight. Playing video games with Elizabeth and then eating a lean cuisine. That's so calm.

Truly calm.

Okay, remember this moment. Take it in. Remember the music, the way your body feels right now. Calm, still, soft breath. Stephan Sondheim, a dim light. Annie Golden's powerful vibrato fading away and a piano fills the room. Smile, allow yourself to smile. Enjoy the moment of clarity that you're now in. Take a breath, inhale, hold, exhale. Now allow for life you continue on with this moment. Then hold onto it until the next moment happens.

Knowing how soon, it'll fade away.

Good Points

Good Point #1: Starting tomorrow I will have my first roommate who is also a friend. This has been four years in the making folks!

Good Point #2: We have Internet at our apartment! They almost tried to pull the same bullshit about there being an account already in existence. Elizabeth did the right thing and put me on the phone with the guy. Where I used my chilling and serious voice and said, "If you don't hookup our modem right now. I will hang you from the highest gibbet." Obviously, the results are there.

Good Point #3: I finished entering over 5,000 difference awards won in the history of Theater into the Playbill.com Award Database. That's pretty much all me folks.

Good Point #4: The man from the other day who needed to think about our second date got back to me and we're going on it in just a few moments. He still unsure of how he feels. I know this is new to him too. What he said that was important was he wants to get to know me more. That's good. It's really me you should be getting to know and not anything else.

I'm wary of the whole situation, so I'm just taking it all at face value. Obviously, this is not a bad thing when one looks at my track record. He used some phrases that signaled red flags, but I understand. So at least he didn't just say no right off the bat. That's points to all parties involved.

If I Were Packing...

Then I'd be getting something accomplished. Well, I blame my 9-5 waste of life. It motivates me to do nothing. Nothing. I am so over my internship, purely when my Asian supervisor worked out a math equation to how long it would take me to simply modify 2,700 Articles in the achieve. Without breaking to do anything else. When I told him sometimes I pause to read the articles because they're interesting he replied with, "Learn not to do that."

That's why a month ago when they flirted the idea of being the newscaster on the radio sounded amazing. Now with nerves about life and moving and how mundane this internship is. I simply told them my heart wasn't in it.

Or when my supervisor asked me if I found this internship useful and all I could reply with was, "Well it helped me realize I never want a 9-5 cubicle job ever again. I can now officially answer that question. So, I guess it was helpful."

I will not get trapped into that lifestyle ever. Ever.

Unexpected Development

The host of Playbill Radio is going on a vacation in the last week of July. He told me today he would like to hear my voice on the radio! I have an interesting voice. I've heard this before, but to hear a radio personality tell me. Well that a horse of a different color.

Especially when other things about my voice have been said like: Annoying, grating, loud and irritating. Weird how there truly are two sides to every coin.

P.S.

I <3 Filing away old playbills and production photos at Playbill.com!! I need to work in Woodside MORE than once a week!

Anita Morris with the replacement Guido in Nine.

Carol Channing and George Abbott. I have no idea really. It's probably 1994 here. So she's just revived Hello Dolly! and he's trying to figure out what they did to his script for Damn Yankees!

The Eccentricities of the Intern Pt. 2

New Title: The Eccentricities of an Intern. SCENE II:

(IGUANA enters the subway car with SUPERVISOR. He stares aimlessly around the car looking for some kind of way to divert the possibility to faking a conversation. Relentlessly IGUANA has tried to make smalltalk with this man and failed repeatedly.

Along side the both of them stands ELBERT. He is a completely odd figure, with long curly hair and he never speaks unless spoken to. He is a theater fan with a fierce passion for Spring Awakening. Where IGUANA has failed in conversation with his SUPERVISOR, he finds ELBERT impossible to even look at.)

IGUANA: (Stares out the window) I love elevated trains.

SUPER: Did you-- (Speaks so inabudibly that IGUANA can't hear though he's next to him. ELBERT somehow hears and nods his head. SUPERVISOR looks at IGUANA for a response.)

IGUANA: So how many stops to Woodside?

SUPER: Only 17 uh-- more stops. We'll be eh-- there in about three days--

IGUANA: (Blinks) Wh--What did you say? (Looks to ELBERT for help, but quickly looks away. The train begins to tilt as it goes around a bend, everyone leans.)

SUPER: I said seven more uh-- stops we'll be there in uh-- 30 minutes.

IGUANA: (Resumes looking out the window) At least there's something to watch. I love riding the elevated train.

(BLACKOUT)

SCENE III

(IGUANA sit around a table of the gay elite. THE WRITERS of Music Fold know everything and anything about Broadway. They sit around a table that the SUPERVISOR is conducting. THE WRITERS as a whole make up a whole personality, but individually they are hardly memorable. While the SUPERVISOR tries to conduct a meeting, they just go on about their way.)

SUPER: So let's discuss uh-- new possible stories--

WRITER 1: I have the Hal Prince obituary complete. (Laughs) Next we will work on Carol Channing and...

WRITER 2: Stephen Sondheim! (Everyone laughs slightly.) Lets face it both of their careers are done.

SUPER: Uh-- Any ideas for Tony stories? Does anyone eh-- want to go to the Tony's. (IGUANA watches not surprised, as none of them raise their hands.)

WRITER 3: I'll just watch from home and post a moment to moment bulletin. Like I did last year.

SUPER: I was thinking of doing a story about what people mean when they thank certain people in their speeches. Like when Roger Bart thanked um-- Jonathon Larson.

WRITER 2: That's a good idea, we'll have to do after the fact interviews.

SUPER: I was hoping to write the story up for um-- Monday. (All three stop smiling at once.) Oh! (Turns to IGUANA) Do you want to tell them about your tattoo?

(IGUANA's eyes open widely. He has prepared for this, but not so suddenly! He is used to telling people on his own terms. To a group of the elite he is intimidated. Slowly rolls up his sleeve.)

IGUANA: It's Anita Morris...From Nine...

WRITER 1: OOOoohhhhh! (Bursts out laughing.)

WRITER 2: Well, I'll be! That is her. Did you see her performance? (All three giggle.)

IGUANA: No, only through resear--

WRITER 3: Do you have anymore Broadway tattoos?

(IGUANA tries to hold it in his mouth. But as a reflex, he gives the usual speech.)

IGUANA: Yes. I have more. (Beat) I am into Al Hirschfeld. You know the New Yorker? Of course you know! Well I like Al and I like Tennessee Williams. So I have two. Yes, two Al Hirschfeld. (Quick pause) Wait no three! I have three. I have the two Tennessee Williams. Well no, I mean of two characters from his plays. So I have The Eccentricities of a Nightingale on one calf and The Night of the Iguana on another calf. (Aside) Oh God! This was my worst fear! Explaining my Theater Tattoos to Theater people. Oh and lastly I have Judy Garland on my rib cage. (This sudden end comes complete with silence from all parties at the table. Then suddenly followed by laughter.)

WRITER 1: (Clapping hands) Brilliant!

WRITER 2: That's dedication right there!

WRITER 3: Anyone else have any Broadway tattoos?

(IGUANA doesn't know whether to be proud of mortified.)

WRITER 1: I have Cheyenne Jackson on my back.

(IGUANA realizes what to feel.)

(BLACKOUT)

The Eccentricities of the Intern

My biggest fear about my internship:
Having to explain my theater tattoos to theatrical people. Odd right? Anita Morris is my partner for life. We've been going together for about two years now and I NEVER regret her. My tattoos are brilliant! Absolutely brilliant! I am a fan, so what? Anita Morris was the perfect female archetype and I celebrate that. Anita Morris, Judy Garland, Tennessee Williams are three different people who I find so amazing I don't care what people think.

Yet.

I find it difficult to explain when people don't know me. Especially people who will recognize Anita Morris. Who will ask me, "Did you see her in Nine?" And I can only answer:

Only through research.

Without further adieu. A Rewriting of The Rose Tattoo*...

(IGUANA is in his cubicle printing out every article written by a freelance reporter who doesn't own his own printer. IGUANA sits there smiling at the irony. SUPERVISOR enters the cubicle. He is a man born without humor or a single emotion in his body. He is Asian.)

SUPER: (Softly spoken) Iguana? Hi, are you, uh, busy? I want you to-- (Turns head and is inaudible) --This is the President of Musical Fold!

IGUANA: (Dumbstruck and unprepared for such a surprise on his second day.) OH! Hello! Very nice to meet you! Thank you for choosing me! I'm so happy to be here! I know you won't regret it!

PRESIDENT: Hello. What is that on your arm?

IGUANA: (Timidly) It's...(Goes with it). It's my tattoo. Of Anita Morris. You know, from Nine.

SUPER: Uh...yes...

PRESIDENT: Do I remember? Of course. She was a lady! Her dance was absolutely unforgettable.

SUPER: I...uh...remember that show...with Anto--

IGUANA: (Nervous) Yes! It's just funny--You're the first person to ask--Of course THE PRESIDENT would ask me about my theater tattoos!

PRESIDENT: Well you got it for a reason! To talk about it! (IGUANA stops himself.)

SUPER: Did you uh...see her perform in it?

IGUANA: Of course! (Aside) Well only with archival abilities.

PRESIDENT: What do you do for school? Where do you go?

IGUANA: BKLYN College.

PRESIDENT: Great school!

IGUANA: I'm a theater B.A. Which means I'm not going for acting...

PRESIDENT: (Understated) Good move. What do you want to do?

(IGUANA opens eyes wide. The $500,000 question has been placed on the table and as usual he is without a response.)

IGUANA: Just getting my hands wet and seeing what I'd like to do. (Aside) Which I'm sure I'll realize with all this data entry work. These mundane tasks are sure to clarify things.

SUPER: (Over IGUANA's aside) I--uh--went to school for--

IGUANA: But I'm sure I'll figure it out one of these days.

PRESIDENT: Well, it was nice meeting you. Make connections it's how you thrive here! (Exits before he finishes his sentence.)

(BLACKOUT)

*The following play is a work of fiction. Any events that resemble real life are purely coincidence.

The World Is Waiting

Today is my final day as a Financial Printer. And if the future is in my favor, I will never be a financial printer ever again. This is monumental in the fact that it has been the longest job I've had consecutively. I have spent two years at this job. On Tuesday, I will be starting my internship. How utterly strange. This is a good sign of things to come, I am sure of it.

Now a scene with my friends:

(ACME Restaurant on the East Side. A group has gathered to celebrate ERIC's birthday party where he has told everyone that Hurricanes are $5. Half of the group of people are drunk, while the other half are sober and wondering how many Hurricanes can one group order.)

IGUANA: (To sober friend) I think I'll just drop my money on the table and run-- (WAITRESS walks up to table)

WAITRESS: Hey, can I ask you a question? Who at the table told you guys that Hurricanes were $5 each?

IGUANA: Oh Jesus! The birthday boy told us all, that's why we came here on a Thursday. How much are they normally?

WAITRESS: Unfortunately that's not true. It's only true at the bar and they're $8.

(IGUANA pauses. Then pauses some more, finally takes another pause. Finally he speaks.)

IGUANA: Well, I suppose we'll take our bill then. I can relay the bad news to the birthday boy and everyone else. So you won't have to incur the wrath.

WAITRESS: Well I talked to my manager and he's gonna give you guys like $30 off the bill. It's better than nothing!

IGUANA: How many Hurricanes did we order?

WAITRESS: 34...

(IGUANA does the math in his head.)

IGUANA: Get the damn check! I suggest getting out of here because a real storm is brewing...

Another Lap Around the Track

Today marks the last day of my finals. Onward to lap five! Starting this game 4 years ago, the curves were not easily predictable in the least. I'm holding up and intend on finishing this marathon someday.

That concludes the metaphor portion of our entry this morning.

I will allow myself a moment to brag as it were. Life is changing drastically in the coming days and nights. I leave my job of two years at the end of this week probably forever. A job that has been both the bane and savior of my existence. It helped destroy all the illusions I built up of my time in college being part of the real world. Which explains my lack of sympathy for people who complain about petty college issues. Granted, I will admit I complain about college issues.

My soul never seems to stir when someone is in so much stress over all the projects they have due. Oh and their job they have through the school, you know the one thats from 10-6, two days a week, is just not allowing them the time they need to complete their projects!

Oh, is that harsh? Well I have a surprise for you. Welcome to the real world.

I start my internship for the summer. I am excited for a change and a resume builder. If it's fruitful then terrific! If it's pointless I will appreciate it for escaping the mundane summer repeat I had last year.

My friends and I are throwing about the idea of creating an all gay theater company. Which they've labeled The Sausage Factory. I'm all for it, but everyone keeps asking me what my role will be in it. Which causes me to laugh hysterically in my head. They all seem to have secured their own position as director or actor or set designer. But what will YOU do. Run the box office? Despite the fact that the theater company was my suggestion in the first place (but as a post-college plan since right now it's impossible), next thing I know the choices were made immediately. What play we were doing, who was doing what. But then they look at me and ask, "What will you do?"

It's exciting I do admit, but when you ask me what I am going to do in the company. I feel odd because its like I'm tagging along on my own idea that was purloined from my head. I think I'll just watch this one develop and hope I see an opening, I'll jump in. As of right now I don't see that.

I think my friends forget I'm behind them by at least 5-7 years of experience.

My aunt has surprised me with a visit tomorrow. She's the good aunt and it will be fun to spend the day with her. We want to go to a museum and get a nice dinner. In such hard times as these it's hard to feel truly excited, except for the smaller things like seeing family.

Oh and in less than two months I'll be 23. How did that happen? The ODD numbered years are always less disappointing than the EVEN. At the time though it'll always be the reverse.

It happens so quickly...

In a matter of a moment the plans of my summer have been decided and changed so quickly.

I got the internship! I'm interning at playbill.com. This means no summer classes and a reduced pay cut. Yet, it means experience and resume building. So in the end it'll be worth it. That's what I'm telling myself.

It was odd cause the geeky guy who interviewed me was like, "Do you want a few days?" And naturally when someone offers me that I think, "Sure...I'm introspective, of course I'd like a few days..." So I tell him yes, then suddenly he's like, "Well, just so you know we've called everyone else back and told them they didn't get it..." To which I reply, "Sure I'll take it!"

Why offer it if you don't want me to do it? So I take it. I'm excited because it gets me out of this job that's been ruling my life for the last two years. It also makes life a little more new and fresh. It will probably be boring, it will probably not seem like it's worth it. Yet, why not? I need the experience. Besides, life owes me big time so perhaps this is it beginning to pay up.

For the first time in years I'll have a normal 9-5 job. I'll get off while it's still sunny out. I'll be able to enjoy my summer! Not like last year, which was work and sleep, work and sleep.

I get nervous that they'll call and tell me they made a mistake. And I just canceled the summer classes I can't take. Yet, that's not major loss, I'll take them during the winter break. It will somehow get done. It has to get done.

That's my problem: I regret, but this is how life works. Let it take you where you go and see what happens.

Chilly and warm, chilly and warm

The internship interview baffled me. It was well, I think it went well. How are you supposed to act comfortable in front of two total nerds. Like these guys were geeky. You'd think the people who work in Theatrical Related offices are a touch more personable. That is not a true statement. So I need to prepare a fake answer for that, "What do you see yourself doing down the line in five years?" Question. It always stumps me.


I met the guy who runs online radio. He was a justifiable dick head.

Him: So you know about musicals?
Me: Yes, I know it all. (More as a jest).
Him: Name all the Albert Hauge Tony Award Winning Musicals.
Me: Fuck you douche bag!

I know a lot, I know that's for sure. Don't be an asshole and ask me something obscure. I laughed and later researched the answers to that question. It's Redhead. I didn't gush about musicals, actually funnily enough I discussed straight plays. Am I turning into a sophisticate? No, because honestly what sucks on Broadway right now is the musicals. The plays are terrific.

Dork: What show are you seeing next?
Me: Charles Mee's Fire Island at the 3-Legged Dog Theatre.
Dork: I haven't heard of it.
Me: Of you haven't.

I'm not that big of a jerk, honestly. If I get it, I'll probably do it just for the experience. I need the experience. It seems like it'll be boring data entry and I'll be taking a pay cut, but I need the experience. I hate doing an internship at this late in the game. I want to get one that's perfect and will lead to a job. Wine, wine, wine, cheese.

Plus, this internship cuts into my initial "Take Geology and Bio" Plan of 2008. I can technically take Geology with the internship. I used the word technically loosely. Basically I would live without this internship and not miss much. Graduation or intern experience? Graduation? Internship? This one's tough.

Have To Believe It's Getting Better.

Yesterday should be classified in what I wanted to be another horrible day. Yet, life seems to be forgiving me. As much as I wanted to stay unhappy about issues. I mean I skipped the gym, I didn't want to go to school and I was sleepy the first half of the afternoon.

Yet, I got an email telling me I received an Email telling me I got an A- in my Costume Costume construction class. That means, today the Saga of the Patti LuPone Pillow is finished! It's done, the stress of that is through. And I did it. By myself, determined and stoned.

Then I got my short story back from my teacher and she absolutely loved it. She told me it still needs some working (which I knew of), but she encouraged me to continue on with my writing career. To this I was elated and cautious. I mean it is a Intro to Creative Writing Class, but I know she's a well rounded Teacher. So I was happy by that, and yes I am going to continue my writing career. I will continue it indeed. Perhaps I'll email the story to anyone, if they're interested? So of the four of you who read this. Send a comment and I'll email it to you.

Then I had a doctor's appointment. I'm still trying to figure out how exactly I can sign up for ADAP and APIC. It's the governments way of saying, "We're going to help you through this ordeal." Yet, figuring out how to fill out this form is like solving and ancient puzzle. So I guess I'm up to the game of it.

As for the doctor's visit. He doesn't seem to want me to leave the office. Nor do I wish to leave it either. And it logically seems like I won't have to if APIC works and starts paying for my health insurance for me. Yet, to become part of APIC, I need to sign up for ADAP and that means I must sign up for Medicaid. Meaning lose my current insurance. Meaning I would lose my doctor, right? right?! Among that, my doctor seems to have a grudge against Callen-Lorde.

Now, for some great...if not terrific news. My doctor sat down and told me about my blood tests. Though my tests still come back positive. My T-Cell Count is inhumanly high, higher than most people he said it was at 1000. This doesn't mean in the next couple of years it could drop or fall. I doubt my crazy weekend depleted anything to much.

He also informed me that my Viral Load was so low that it didn't even read on the test. They test for a count of 400 and I didn't come up, negative. Now for the rest of my life you cannot say negative to me without my ears perking up and my eyes growing wide. I had to make sure I heard him correctly. So he's retesting my blood for a count of 52 and he says if I'm not on that, then I will have to go to an institute for tests because I'm 1 in a 1000s.

That would be wild. My legacy right there. I know it won't be that way. My friend tells me that it jumps the first year, so who knows. In short I have a good chance of going my entire life being undetectable and never having to go on Medication. That is written in the stars and if I quit smoking.

Which brings me to my next point: I'm quitting smoking. After this last pack. When he told me I had four left in my pack. And I thought, "What a bum deal? I'll buy one more pack and then I'll do it." I know I should be all like, "Let's start now!" Forgive me, but allow me one more pack before I say goodbye for good.

In short, I'm Typhoid Mary.

Lastly, and I will not put a big stress on it until it really happens, but an internship I applied for setup and interview with me for Tuesday. I'm going to discuss it anymore. Perhaps this is the "good" thing that could possibly be happening to me? Perhaps is the keyword. If not, I'll know that my life isn't ready to be good yet. It's nice to have a little hope. Don't wish me luck, don't offer prayers. Well you can, just don't tell me about it until AFTER I give any good news.