Iguana is Manic

My mania has reached a new height. Everyone is going on vacations, planning vacations, or is currently on a vacation.

Oh except me.

I do it to myself I suppose. I can't travel alone, I'm terrified. I can't even go to a bar by myself, how am I supposed to pack up and go on a trip all alone? I know it's a double edged sword, and I always think it's funny when I say that and people reply with, "Well sometimes going on vacation is fun." Do they not understand even if they had fun, I probably will not.

I spend enough time by myself alone that to go somewhere ELSE alone is not my idea of fun. I'm not the most social person in new settings, I rarely speak to anyone unless they come up to me. I have a fear of starting conversations or even initiating most things unless I'm absolutely sure. It's not fun.

So one of my friends is going for a week to the Caribbean, someone I sleep with is in Montreal for five days, a friend of mine is going to Germany this May, my ex who I am meeting up with soon is going to Spain or something. Where am I going?

To my parents in upstate NY for Easter. Yea, that's all I have planned. I have the hopefuly chance of China/India with Brooklyn College. The only qualm about that is I need to get my passport. Plus I'll be alone, but I really want to go. That's not until Christmas time of 2007/2008. It seems so distant.

Okay I need to stop, it doesn't help that I slept in until 11 am because I have to pay rent, so I'm going to the gym rather late. I just keep telling myself, "You have nothing planned, you have nothing planned."

What's the point of being on time when you have nothing planned?? Exactly!!

Excuse me but I have to go and catch my sanity...It's gone running wild down the Eastern Parkway.

Iguana Is High

I'll admit it. I'm a little high right now. Yea Eccentric Iguanas do indulge in some herbal refreshments some(lots of)times. It's partially being done so I don't feel like a loser staying in my room on a Friday night on Spring Break. But I can't help but feel it.

Moving along...

Now I'm an off again/on again fan of Marianne Faithfull, but damn that lady sings a fierce version of Don't Forget Me. I just read about her past and how filled with turmoil and struggle. I am don't to take back what I said about Marianne Faithfull, I am ALWAYS a fan of her. Seriously give this lady a hand.

"In the winter time, keep your feet warm. Keep you clothes on and don't forget me. In the summer, by the poolside. While the fireflies are all around me. I'll miss you when I'm lonely, I'll miss the alimony too. Don't forget me, please don't forget me. Make it easy on me, just for a little while. You know I think about you, let me know you think about me too."

Sorry lyrical rant there. I just think that's a terrific song, so sad and so deep. You can FEEL the emotion she puts into it. It's sad because not many people know about Marianne and when she says, "Don't forget me." You almost wonder if that's really a personal cry, cause when Marianne does pass, will she disappear into obscurity? I need to find a CD of her voice before it got all raspy and worn.

This weekend I have no plans, none at all! I think I may die. Well I will figure something out I am sure. No plays planned though, how the good news is I just got tickets to...

A Year of Magical Thinking, starring Vanessa Redgrave.

Now that should be good. A co-worker really wanted to go, so to inspire her I bought a ticket along with her. I'm giving that way.

It's a shame I did nothing fun tonight. I looked very cute. Oh what I would give for a flat stomach with abs though...oh I try and try. Sorry, I've been having some body image issues. I know I shouldn't but I am. It's difficult for me not to considering my past health issues. Blah.

Moving right along.

I told myself tomorrow I am not going to fully worry about homework for the rest of Spring 'Awakening' Break. I'm not going to completely forget about it, but I am going to put it aside, I will get it done. It's totally ruining the feel of my spring break, which is already starting off shitty enough, with no plans on Friday and working full time the whole week. Yea this one's going to be something for the memory book.

Okay, my attention can't follow this anymore.

Iguana Spring Break Awakening

Spring break has come and it couldn't seem more awful. So the teachers of my wonderful place of learning have decided to give homework. Now I wouldn't mind because I can do this work surely. Unless it's drafting homework, where I do not have the room (nor the tools) to draft. So I need to make my way back to school at some point...this task is easier said than done.

More on part of "poor" planning, I guess one could call it that seeing as I need to MAKE MONEY TO LIVE. But foolish me to think that a week without classes would be a good time to work full time...I don't have the necessary time to go to school during the week to draft, as I normally would.

So in short I'm a fool to assume that during vacation I could work properly...silly silly Iguana.

I have no real plans for break, except working, then going home for Easter. I lead an exciting life. I suppose homework somewhere in between there.

Onto more exciting news. Insightful news. I've been trying to get in contact with my ex-boyfriend of yesteryear. I was a child when we dated a naive 17 year old who fell head over heels in love. Only to suddenly be awoken by the cruel ways love can fool with your mind. I spent almost every day for a year with him, at the time that's how I thought it was done. I am still wondering if that's the way it's done.

Funny how my two long term relationships have been so long ago it seems. I can no longer really say I am the monogamous type. Well I feel like I am, but I no longer have viable proof to back it up. What can I say, "I dated two guys for a year each in my late teens?"

I seem to have lost the thrill for it all. Lost the interest to stay interested it seems. I try but I never feel a connection. Is it for lack of trying?

Back to my ex-boyfriend. We've been trying to meet up to catch up. It's been so long and I have changed so much that it's impossible to harbor any resentment between us. Why am I trying to meet with him? I feel like I'm searching for some iota of the person I used to be. I want him to see me and after sometime reminiscing to say, "You're just as I remember you." To help me feel there is still something beneath all this...

The sad thing is I know that he won't say that. What we've already spoken about he told me he was in complete shock that I was telling him what I did. I took this life for better or for worse.

"When monster meets monster, one monster has to give way, AND IT WILL NEVER BE ME. I'm an older hand at it..." Alexandra DeLargo, Sweet Bird of Youth

A friend told me today that I'm to loyal sometimes...That comment really shook me up. I don't know what to make of it. I never thought of being loyal to be a bad thing, it would explain much though. I just can't quite digest it though.

Random Sexual Fact #2

My apologizes, this was meant for Monday, but I got very distracted. Nor am I used to doing something like this weekly. So I am sorry again. It's funny that I'm sorry for missing out a chance to tell you something about me in the sexual sense.

Sexual Fact #2:

I'm not one to hook up with a guy just because he is hot. Which sort of sucks sometimes. A guy who talks about theater or video games is more likely going to get me in bed than even a hot guy who is hitting on me. Which is funny sometimes because I don't even notice when a hot person hits on me cause I never REALLY play dumb when I flirt. As I said, it's probably the reason I often go home alone.

That's all, I'm saving all the really good facts for later, like the teens and twenties ;-)

Iguana Could Go On Singing

When I was sick, worry seemed easier. I worried about when I would get better. I worried if the pain would ever go away. I didn't necessarily worry about anything else.

Then you get better.

Then those other worries come back, no long do I care about how I breath, though I still have a small issue with it, I know I'll be okay at the end of the day.

Can you imagine that I'm not happy right now? I'm not happy with many things, maybe it's me being selfish. Since I'm back in normal health these issues resume and continue as ever.

First is trivial things, things that a couple months from now won't matter, but for the time they do. I've been applying to internships. I know I wrote an entry about my frustration, I think I did. At least I vocalized my frustrations in public though.

First off I was forced to be VERY picky about my internships. Since I work I had to rule out many because during the summer most theater companies want full-time Interns and I can't do that. So I had to narrow it down significantly. Then I had three chosen. One I sent my application to before March 15th, but I've yet to hear word back and probably won't. Then I sent another out on Friday. It's to soon to tell if they got my papers, but nonetheless I would be surprised if I got a call back. Then there is the last place, which I need to send out my information soon.

What is pissing me off isn't even my fault, it's my boss's. I asked her two weeks ago if she would write a letter of recommendation. Well it's two weeks later (the application due April 1st) and I'm without a letter still. Now it's the 11th hour and it's TOO late to find someone else. It just upsets me. Don't agree to it and then give me an excuse when I asked her last Friday she goes, "It's been very busy at work." I know I've been here, but I was sick, I had midterms and I was coming into work, I know it's been busy. But I'm asking for three paragraphs, that's all. Just say you recommend me and we can both be on our ways.

My plan is to just mail out what I have tonight and if she gets the letter, send it out too, if not see what happens. If they don't call me I can always wondering if it was the fact I sent it minus one letter. If they do call and ask I'll tell them it must've gotten lost in the mail.

UGH!

Then there is most permanent unhappiness. Like where I live, or school. I have two months of school left, I know I can handle it. Or can I? I'm not sure. I will finish this semester. I'm turning 22 in July and I have to ask out loud,

"Why do I feel like I'm already behind in life?"

I know it may sound ridiculous but it's true I do. I know I need to finish school, but what was going to happy in 2008 will not happen in 2009/2010. I'm going to be 23/24 and have a BA in theater. And yet I can't even get an internship now? What is wrong with me?

Everything in the city seems to just be one form of nepotism or the other. I want a connection, but it even pisses me off that while I'm a Brooklyn College Theater Major, because I'm an undergrad I can't even get an internship cause they cater to the Grad students more. Yet I need to have an internship to EVEN become a grad student in the first place? WHAT?! I really feel like my sanity is breaking ever so subtly.

I can't breath, I need to leave, I need to change. I may just fall apart soon if something doesn't happen.

Forget your troubles come on get happy. You better chase all your cares away...

I'm rereading A Streetcar Named Desire and it really makes me sad. Blanche's life was so difficult and it overtook her so quickly. It's amazing to read this play and learn so much about a woman. It's almost a character study. My favorite scene to read is when Mitch confronts Blanche for the last time and she says:"Yes, I had many intimacies with strangers...intimacies with strangers was all I seemed able to fill my empty heart with..."

It goes on, but it's so sad and so true sometimes. I hate the fact that I see myself in Blanche DuBois a little too much. My past, my future, the way I treat life and myself. I mean I've always been one for soft lighting in a room, but has it just been subconscious this whole time? When I think of the way I acted towards W...maybe Blanche is just so humanly written it's hard not to see why she is so easy to relate to.

I've grown tried, plus I have to work soon.

"Don't know why there's no sun up in the sky...stormy weather.
Since my man and I ain't together, keeps raining all the time.
Life is bare, gloom and misery everywhere...stormy weather.

Just can't get my poor self together, I'm weary all the time."

My friend sent me an article last night...

Anna Nicole Smith was taking the following drugs around the time
of her death:

Medicine Name (Drug) indication

_ Ativan (Lorazepam)_ anti-anxiety medication
_ Benadryl (Diphenhydramine): antihistamine, also used as an
over-the-counter sleep aid
_ Human Growth Hormone: touted as a longevity, muscle-building
weight reducing agent
_ Methadone _ strong pain killer, often used to suppress
withdrawal from heroin
_ Nicorette (nicotine polacrilex) _ used to quit smoking
_ Noctec (Chloral Hydrate): sedative and sleeping medication
_ Klonopin (Clonazepam)_ anti-seizure medicine also used to
treat anxiety
_ Robaxin (Methocarbamol) _ muscle relaxer
_ Soma (Meprobamate) _ muscle relaxer
_ Tamiflu (oseltamivir phosphate) _ anti-viral medicine
_ Topomax (topiramate) _ anti-seizure medication also used to
treat migraines
_ Tylenol (acetaminophen) _ pain reliever
_ Valium (Diazepam) _ anti-anxiety medication, also used as a
sedative and to treat seizures
_ Vitamin B12 _ helps formation of red blood cells

Source: Broward County Medical Examiner and the University of
Miami toxicology department

After reading it I sort of laughed thinking, how incredible to be on so many pills at one time...

Then when I woke this morning I opened six different pill bottles and took a pill from each. I realized I was taking half the number of what Anna Nicole was. So then I came to the conclusion that if I died in the near future *knock on wood* People might be surprised to find out what was in MY system...

Then again Kings County (of Brooklyn) Medical Examiner and the College of Brooklyn may not really care to publish the results in the newspaper...If only I were tragic and crazy.

In honor of Anna Nicole Smith, this youtube made me laugh a little too much. But I laughed in an ironic way, realizing the song reflects the situation much more than I would have anticipated. I have no respect for the dead.

Iguana Returns To the Gym...With Time to Spare

Feeling significantly better, I DID return to the gym.

I don't know why I'm frightened

I went to bed early so I could be up at 6 am bright and early, before the sun even!! Well not anymore with the time change.

I know my way around here

I woke up, fumbled out of bed and prepared myself.

Yes, a world to rediscover

I brushed my teeth, got dressed, got my gym items together.

But I'm not in any hurry

I sat down to check my mail and looked at what time it was...

And I need a moment.

The clock said it was 1:55, I was SO confused.

The atmosphere, as thrilling here, as always

I sat there for a moment wondering what happened. Utterly confused

Feel the early morning madness, feel the magic in the making

Then I realized it was only 2 am! Whoops

Why everything's as if we never said Goodbye.

So I crawled back into bed and woke at 6 am to REALLY go to the gym.

I've spent so many mornings just trying to resist you. I'm trembling now, you can't know how I've missed you!

This world's waited long enough, I've come home at last!!

I don't care what people say, Andrew Lloyd Webber created a handful of great shows! Sunset Blvd being one of the best, but I always loved the movie as well. But the musical is equally amazing.

I'm such a faggot sometimes it's nice.

Iguana Reviews A Musical and Life

This Saturday was super busy for me. After I recouped from my situation several days. I woke at 4:30am due to lack of sleep and played a few video games and surfed the net. Then I got some more sleep. I'm happy to say my chest pain is going down, which means I can sleep better, so that's nice.

I went to the doctor, and I'm getting an X-Ray tomorrow. He thinks it's stomach acid, so I'm taking some pills twice a day. The X-Ray he says won't show anything, but just to see. So why not? Okay, now onto real items of business.

I saw two shows yesterday. The new (and final) musical by Kander and Ebb called Curtains. I paid full price for this ticket with my tax return cause I really wanted to see it. It had an amazing start studded cast. David Hyde Pierce, Deborah Monk, Karen Ziemba, Edward Hibbert and many more made up the suspects in this murder mystery musical.

The show opened on March 22, 2007 and got mixed reviews and suddenly one of the most waited for shows seemed to be a teetering commodity. the NY Times review by Ben Brantley was was to harsh. I expected to be bored to tears from the way he made the show sound.

Well upon seeing the show, I can happily say that I LOVED Curtains. It was a terrific show in my opinion. Now take into notice that I didn't go into this show expecting to be challenged, to find a new style of musical. I knew it would be a fun, talented and comical time. I was happily satisfied and much more. I enjoyed the cute dancing, the fun songs, which got stuck in my head and the corny jokes.

I think there is something appropo about Kander and Ebb's final musical (since Ebb died in 2004) being about a out of town show that needs help. What I found pleasing was even though this was a murder mystery, the show didn't focus on that aspect. The show is really just about a troubled musical that needs work, so while the cast and crew isn't allowed to leave the theater, they improve the show so it doesn't have to close. There are no scenes where the detective interviews the cast members, or they talk about why they hated the victim. They are focused on the show and it is interesting to see them try hard to make it grow.

Granted the fictional show they are fixing is rather campy and I sat there thinking, "Is it REALLY worth saving?" But it's the idea of that matters.

Since this is such a star filled show, they all probably demanded to have a song. Which with an idea like this, tends to lack a certain number that is the BIG number of the evening. I agree that none of the songs are really showstoppers, I can say each song has a special energy that makes it engaging to sit through. Two notables are Karen Zeimba's "Thataway!" A song for the show they are working on. This woman has got a great stage presence, a beautifully pleasing voice, and wonderful energy. I knew she was a great singer, but I loved her attitude on stage.

Second is, Deborah Monk's "It's A Business". Now in message boards people were saying how her number stopped the show and got a standing ovation. Now the song was great, amazingly sung and lyrics were hilarious because they were so true in their simple way. Plus Deb did an amazing job performing it. Though I was surprised that people said that number stopped the show. It never had a build up to even stop a show. I love Deb Monk like the next theater fag, so I'm gonna say regardless, I love her more after this number!!

When leaving this show I wondered why I was nervous and then I thought, what are critic's problems. Granted the show is far from perfect, but it's more entertaining than most shows on Broadway right now. It was a musical about musicals, without being as obnoxious as The Producers or Spamalot in my opinion. It was able to make fun of itself subtly and still maintain it's integrity. So yea I loved the show.

As for other parts of life. As I said, getting better! Hurrah to be able to sleep again!! I have been relaxing all day, which is nice. Tomorrow I definitely return to the gym, mark my words!! If i don't...

well then I guess that means I didn't.

So two older musicals I am in love with that I bought on whims. 1776 and Zorba. WOW. I mean I've listened to 1776 a couple times, and a the entire show is amazing. And the highlight of the show for me, a young Betty Buckley singing He Plays the Violin.

Zorba is probably the least known Kander and Ebb musical by most people (in my opinion) and I was always very cautious to buy it. Finally I threw discretion to the wind and picked it up.

Holy-Debbie-Shapiro-Minus-The-Gravitte

This show is beautiful musicall!!! I'm not 100% sure what the story of the show is, it's just fun on the ears. Nice to hear something different every now and then.

That's all for tonight.

Iguana's Breathing Issues and Possibly Botching Up Something

As I've said I have had problems breathing. Two days ago I slept a total of 3 hours, but not all at once. So yesterday when the guy I had gone on a couple of dates with invited me over to cocktails and a joint I agreed because it would take my mind off the hurting breath issue.

The thing that worried me and turned out to be true was this guy said, the only time he could have sex was when he got high. So I knew that was going to come, granted I know I shouldn't have gone over. Considering my life situation. But I did anyway. The bleeding hadn't been an issue and I knew if I got stoned the breath wouldn't hurt. As usual in these situations it was a matter of priorities.

Now I had gone on a couple of dates with this guy and here's what's not gone right, to make this night even more awkward and possibly I'll never get a call from him again. Which I am okay with I suppose.

In our two dates we hadn't even shared a kiss goodbye, or any REAL physical attempt at anything. So I can't even tell if he was generally interested in me. I also was never sure if he just wanted to meet up just to meet up or to date. What I mean is if he wanted to just chill out before we had sex (which I think this was the case). Last, he mentioned how enamoured he was by his last ex-boyfriend who he broke up with. I hate when people talk about that, because then it's suddenly like, "Okay so that means I'm just what?"

So we sat and drank and smoked pot. The stuff I smoke by myself must be so weak or I must do something wrong, because I always get so stoned when I smoke anything else. Granted I don't smoke much. But I become a total vegetable. Which is never conductive to a sexual environment.

Like clock work we ended up in his room and after no sleep in well over 24 hours, a joint that made me really high and all of the sudden I didn't feel my breathing pains, I knew this wasn't going to go well. All I wanted to do was sleep. I mean I am sexually attracted to him but in the list of priorities one rated higher than the other. Plus we were on his bed.

I felt awful cause I couldn't hide it.

Then comes the second terrible blow. When I get really stoned, I can't get hard. Plus this guy turns from no touching, whatever. To SUPER AGGRESSIVE, one of the attitudes that when I'm nervous makes me feel least comfortable in bed. So hard on? Um? I can barely focus on my words let alone where the blood flow in my body is going.

Perhaps it was the paranoia that made it seem worse for me. It often does. We shall see. If he never wants to meet again I'll have my answer.

Then it almost came as a shock for him when he asked, "So you're mainly a bottom?" And in my spaced out state I nod my head yea, I would say yes, but my mouth is so dry I can't speak. And here is the whipped topping that makes the night for me ALL the more uncomfortable...

He doesn't seem to be wearing a condom. I'm high out of my head, I can barely form a sentence and this guy wants to fuck me without protection, because he thinks we're both clean. I mean granted he may know he's clean, that's great. But to make the assumption that I am (I can't even make that guess until I get my HIV/STD results back Tuesday) clean really scares me. Cause even high as a kite I start to wonder how many other times he's thought of this with the first time with a guy before.

As I said I was high out of my head, so I let him fuck me. This is going to sound awful, but I don't remember for how long or if until he came. I'm a dirty bird. I'm sure it'll be okay, I just can't take this behavior in gay men sometimes.

You know it's funny when I woke up this morning I thought it was my fault the night went weird. I'm sorry but I think my tired composure closely relates to how I was handled last night. I just can't react well to that sort of behavior. I can't do drugs in sexual situations anymore.

Was I raped?

Iguana is Picking up where he left off

I have not been to the gym in a week! Now to some of you that may be like, "Oh I haven't been to the gym in three years." But for me that's phenomenal.

I am the guy who goes to the gym 6-7 days a week. Granted some may see it as unhealthy, usually ever other day I would just do cardio. Due to the recent illnesses I haven't been and it's been like a vacation, well a vacation in hell. I haven't minded not waking at 6 am to go, and sleeping in. But since most of those mornings were filled with night sweat, headaches and cramped muscles.

Starting tomorrow though I am returning at 6 am! At least I hope so. I feel about 95% better and even if I go and just sort of putz around and not really do my usual thing it'll get me used to it again.

Plus I finish all my midterms stuff, so I was able to actually clean and vacuum my carpet today and my room looks like a room again! While I was sick and gross feeling I was working on my costume design project for The Seagull. I had to draw 12 sketches and water color 9 of them. That may not sound like much, but when you don't draw and water color costumes normally, it's a task and a half!

Usually in good health I'll just clean up after each night of use, but due to wanting to sleep, my floor was a mess! Not like me at all, I like a little order in my life. Plus I hadn't vacuumed in forever so there were trail mix crumbs and dust collecting everywhere. I turn around from my laptop and don't recognize my room cause it's so open!

Good sign's people. I still have a little pain in my back but I can deal with that I think.

I know it won't happen, but I hope work is slow tonight so I can have an actual interesting entry to write about. This one is just my excitement in reclaiming my life.

Believe it or not I've been dating again and seeing movies. Yea, that's right, even when I'm a sick mess I STILL got my shit together.