Iguana Could Go On Singing

When I was sick, worry seemed easier. I worried about when I would get better. I worried if the pain would ever go away. I didn't necessarily worry about anything else.

Then you get better.

Then those other worries come back, no long do I care about how I breath, though I still have a small issue with it, I know I'll be okay at the end of the day.

Can you imagine that I'm not happy right now? I'm not happy with many things, maybe it's me being selfish. Since I'm back in normal health these issues resume and continue as ever.

First is trivial things, things that a couple months from now won't matter, but for the time they do. I've been applying to internships. I know I wrote an entry about my frustration, I think I did. At least I vocalized my frustrations in public though.

First off I was forced to be VERY picky about my internships. Since I work I had to rule out many because during the summer most theater companies want full-time Interns and I can't do that. So I had to narrow it down significantly. Then I had three chosen. One I sent my application to before March 15th, but I've yet to hear word back and probably won't. Then I sent another out on Friday. It's to soon to tell if they got my papers, but nonetheless I would be surprised if I got a call back. Then there is the last place, which I need to send out my information soon.

What is pissing me off isn't even my fault, it's my boss's. I asked her two weeks ago if she would write a letter of recommendation. Well it's two weeks later (the application due April 1st) and I'm without a letter still. Now it's the 11th hour and it's TOO late to find someone else. It just upsets me. Don't agree to it and then give me an excuse when I asked her last Friday she goes, "It's been very busy at work." I know I've been here, but I was sick, I had midterms and I was coming into work, I know it's been busy. But I'm asking for three paragraphs, that's all. Just say you recommend me and we can both be on our ways.

My plan is to just mail out what I have tonight and if she gets the letter, send it out too, if not see what happens. If they don't call me I can always wondering if it was the fact I sent it minus one letter. If they do call and ask I'll tell them it must've gotten lost in the mail.

UGH!

Then there is most permanent unhappiness. Like where I live, or school. I have two months of school left, I know I can handle it. Or can I? I'm not sure. I will finish this semester. I'm turning 22 in July and I have to ask out loud,

"Why do I feel like I'm already behind in life?"

I know it may sound ridiculous but it's true I do. I know I need to finish school, but what was going to happy in 2008 will not happen in 2009/2010. I'm going to be 23/24 and have a BA in theater. And yet I can't even get an internship now? What is wrong with me?

Everything in the city seems to just be one form of nepotism or the other. I want a connection, but it even pisses me off that while I'm a Brooklyn College Theater Major, because I'm an undergrad I can't even get an internship cause they cater to the Grad students more. Yet I need to have an internship to EVEN become a grad student in the first place? WHAT?! I really feel like my sanity is breaking ever so subtly.

I can't breath, I need to leave, I need to change. I may just fall apart soon if something doesn't happen.

Forget your troubles come on get happy. You better chase all your cares away...

I'm rereading A Streetcar Named Desire and it really makes me sad. Blanche's life was so difficult and it overtook her so quickly. It's amazing to read this play and learn so much about a woman. It's almost a character study. My favorite scene to read is when Mitch confronts Blanche for the last time and she says:"Yes, I had many intimacies with strangers...intimacies with strangers was all I seemed able to fill my empty heart with..."

It goes on, but it's so sad and so true sometimes. I hate the fact that I see myself in Blanche DuBois a little too much. My past, my future, the way I treat life and myself. I mean I've always been one for soft lighting in a room, but has it just been subconscious this whole time? When I think of the way I acted towards W...maybe Blanche is just so humanly written it's hard not to see why she is so easy to relate to.

I've grown tried, plus I have to work soon.

"Don't know why there's no sun up in the sky...stormy weather.
Since my man and I ain't together, keeps raining all the time.
Life is bare, gloom and misery everywhere...stormy weather.

Just can't get my poor self together, I'm weary all the time."