As I've said I have had problems breathing. Two days ago I slept a total of 3 hours, but not all at once. So yesterday when the guy I had gone on a couple of dates with invited me over to cocktails and a joint I agreed because it would take my mind off the hurting breath issue.
The thing that worried me and turned out to be true was this guy said, the only time he could have sex was when he got high. So I knew that was going to come, granted I know I shouldn't have gone over. Considering my life situation. But I did anyway. The bleeding hadn't been an issue and I knew if I got stoned the breath wouldn't hurt. As usual in these situations it was a matter of priorities.
Now I had gone on a couple of dates with this guy and here's what's not gone right, to make this night even more awkward and possibly I'll never get a call from him again. Which I am okay with I suppose.
In our two dates we hadn't even shared a kiss goodbye, or any REAL physical attempt at anything. So I can't even tell if he was generally interested in me. I also was never sure if he just wanted to meet up just to meet up or to date. What I mean is if he wanted to just chill out before we had sex (which I think this was the case). Last, he mentioned how enamoured he was by his last ex-boyfriend who he broke up with. I hate when people talk about that, because then it's suddenly like, "Okay so that means I'm just what?"
So we sat and drank and smoked pot. The stuff I smoke by myself must be so weak or I must do something wrong, because I always get so stoned when I smoke anything else. Granted I don't smoke much. But I become a total vegetable. Which is never conductive to a sexual environment.
Like clock work we ended up in his room and after no sleep in well over 24 hours, a joint that made me really high and all of the sudden I didn't feel my breathing pains, I knew this wasn't going to go well. All I wanted to do was sleep. I mean I am sexually attracted to him but in the list of priorities one rated higher than the other. Plus we were on his bed.
I felt awful cause I couldn't hide it.
Then comes the second terrible blow. When I get really stoned, I can't get hard. Plus this guy turns from no touching, whatever. To SUPER AGGRESSIVE, one of the attitudes that when I'm nervous makes me feel least comfortable in bed. So hard on? Um? I can barely focus on my words let alone where the blood flow in my body is going.
Perhaps it was the paranoia that made it seem worse for me. It often does. We shall see. If he never wants to meet again I'll have my answer.
Then it almost came as a shock for him when he asked, "So you're mainly a bottom?" And in my spaced out state I nod my head yea, I would say yes, but my mouth is so dry I can't speak. And here is the whipped topping that makes the night for me ALL the more uncomfortable...
He doesn't seem to be wearing a condom. I'm high out of my head, I can barely form a sentence and this guy wants to fuck me without protection, because he thinks we're both clean. I mean granted he may know he's clean, that's great. But to make the assumption that I am (I can't even make that guess until I get my HIV/STD results back Tuesday) clean really scares me. Cause even high as a kite I start to wonder how many other times he's thought of this with the first time with a guy before.
As I said I was high out of my head, so I let him fuck me. This is going to sound awful, but I don't remember for how long or if until he came. I'm a dirty bird. I'm sure it'll be okay, I just can't take this behavior in gay men sometimes.
You know it's funny when I woke up this morning I thought it was my fault the night went weird. I'm sorry but I think my tired composure closely relates to how I was handled last night. I just can't react well to that sort of behavior. I can't do drugs in sexual situations anymore.
Was I raped?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment