Iguana Asks: What's wrong with me?

Am I suffering postpartum depression? Did I lose my equilibrium from one night? Are the drugs finally wearing off and I'm starting to face reality? What's happened to me? I'm stronger, more sane than this. I know, I know that for sure!

One of my oldest and best old friends. She knows me from when I was just a small town boy. She did the math and said we've been friends for 8 years, which is a big amount of time it seems. E came down the city to see Company, Best Revival of 06-07. It was a wonderful time, someone to talk about theatre with for hours and know that she understands what I say. Someone to make me laugh hysterically. Someone to walk around Brooklyn with and actually get to know the area.

We discovered Prospect Park together, which was beautiful and meaningful to me. Loneliness is hard, and it's nice to have company from a good friend.

The life of a spinster is coming back into my mind more and more these days. Perhaps because it's summer and I am feeling idle that I want someone in my life. Not anyone, hardly anyone. Someone special.

I was telling E about how for so long I was focusing on the basics of life. Just living was my main concern. I worried about sleeping on the floor, I itched my scratchy body and I focused on school, work and getting out of Crown Heights.

Well I have a bed, I don't itch, school is done and I got out. I've moved up a level on Maslow's Pyramid and all of the sudden all these issues and thoughts are coming into my mind and they were once familiar to me, but I hadn't even thought about them for a while. I feel I need to get readjusted to them. I sit wondering, was I always this emotional? The answer is, yes I probably always was.

Now the even that has promoted these thoughts...

Two reasons really. Company's plot line and final number. And weirdly enough, seeing the guy from the other night randomly from the window of the bar we went to.

I sit watching this show about a man who has lived in NYC and can't commit and has this epiphany and sings a gorgeous song (Being Alive). Then to go out and the guy who doesn't have time for me, walks right by me, only some glass separating us. I feel this utter confusion. Utter confusion. This city is so lonely and last night was exact proof of that. It just made sense in my mind.

I am quitting before I am ahead.