Perhaps I should start for the beginning, as is often the proper way to start:
My birthday is closer than I realize, and often on my walk home from the gym (as I now can walk home from the gym) I find myself thinking. I can't sleep or read a book anymore, so why not think?
Oh the London Cast of Passion is SO over blown, but it has it's redeeming qualities I suppose.
I'm turning 22, as I've said before, not old but no longer young. I would like to try for something different this year. Well, I am trying for something different. Am I digging my holes to quickly? Expecting the possible from the impossible?
I went on a "date" this Friday. To call it that is my getting ahead of myself? I expected nothing of it, but instead met a really interesting, attractive and all around nice guy. It completely threw me of balance. He was my age to. Only two years in age difference. After months of older men it was a breath of fresh air to meet someone my age and to connect, even on the smallest level.
Then I started feeling it. Actual attraction. Something, I find I haven't felt in a while to long. I wanted to see him again. It was different from when I was dating the man from recent, or W or anyone else in the last year. I wanted to know him more. There are of course some difficulties to this all. His busy life, his current living situation and location to my new home.
Of course he's busy all week, literally every day this week. He tells me, "I could see you again this Sunday?" Then he lives on parallel trains to my life. He may as well live on the moon it seems. We both live in Brooklyn though, how can it seem so far by train, and so close by car. But when you don't have a car? Then he lives with his ex-bf (of two years). A situation even I find difficult to explain, if not utterly inconvenient to my senses.
Plus, he broke my emotional virginity being the first guy I have ever had over to my place (a place I am happy with) and spent the night. To many this may seem small, to me it was a big moment. As anyone knows when virginity is taken, it's held with regard and not easily put in the back of the mind.
This was all this weekend...then suddenly last night things began to sit and stir. My nemesis had begun to stir. The beginning of the week was filled with smiles, I'd met someone I genuinely enjoyed the company of. Who seemed respectable and I wouldn't mind getting to know better. Then it began. Why doesn't it seem like he feels the same way?
My Cancer-like qualities were getting the best of me for sure. True he is a Cancer as well, but he was born on the cusp. So he had Gemini traits, which explains a lot. But this Zodiac digression makes me sound foolish, but it's worthy to point out.
He makes comments like he does, but really. Sunday is the earliest? Am I a leisurely trip to be taken whenever he's ready? As I sat last night feeling myself get more angry at the whole thought. I get off work early tonight and I'll be spending it at Trader Joe's it seems. He has some sort of plan, oh yes, his ex-boyfriend/roommates birthday. Yes, I'm not even dating him and I've been blown off, for an ex no less. Then I come off look to eager, in my mind at least.
I can feel it deep down inside. There wouldn't be crowds big enough, rooms large enough enough to hold this anger.
I excused myself and went to bed before I could get anymore antsy. Which was a fatal mistake. There my mind takes complete control. I'm trying to compensate for his lack of interest. Trying to make myself feel better and I feel like I'm coming up empty.
That's why today I am retiring the issue in general. If it's meant to be than its meant to be...
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