Patterns in Life

On this week, a year ago I wrote this:

So really quick cause that's apprently how my life is about to move...

Cause I don't have time to REALL type out an entry I'll just post the email I just wrote to a friend explaining my situation. I'm freaking out right now. But I do love my Post-Script. Even in times of panic I still think about theater.



J,

Its completely understandable, I am sorry that happened. It was sort of sucky, the guy who I was "dancing" with revealed he was totally gay when he spoke with CJ. He didn't even like me enough to talk to me after we shared such a special moment. haha.

So about the actual REAL news in my life. I am trying my best to stay calm, but it was in Philosophy where I started losing my nerve. Neil has mentioned how the lease is up in October. Meaning if they don't let the woman renew her lease, I have to be out soon. I'm trying not to cry but I feel tears coming. I have never felt this tense in my life. Neil is in a messy state, he's nervous as hell and it only made me feel worse. He is all paranoid that the landlord caught on that I was living there (by asking our neighbors) because they're the only people who could possibly know I'm "living" there. And that that may be the reason they're not renewing the lease.

That's what's in his head. What is more reasonable is apprently several months ago some bitchy tenant on a different floor accused Neil of subletting from the woman (they have told everyone they're dating and she is away in Europe for a while) and that she probably complained to the landlord (as people aren't allowed to sublet in that building apprently...I have no real idea. Neil tells me this ALL today) So the woman called and told him they're not letting her renew the lease, but she doesn't know 100% why. So he's feeling this immense guilt trip thinking about telling the woman that I was there for a little bit inbetween apartments. I told him to just play stupid until information is told to him. Also he started freaking out MORE because someone rang the buzzer, no one EVER does and someone came to the door, Neil didn't answer cause he just got that phone call. So in short his stress has moved to me, yadda yadda and I'm about to cry. So I'm trying to just figure out what to do, I'm gonna call Scott when I get home from school to ask about that room and then there's like two other possible things, but other than that I may have to move in less than a month and really that doesn't wear right on the soul.

I'm sitting in class thinking. OMG I need to find a place to move, I need to find time to move and I need to possibly do this in all of about 2-3 weeks. Therapy has to wait it seems and a nervous breakdown in on the edge. I'm in midterms, I've got papers due, I have work to go to, and all this other stuff. Now I need to move, I'm terrified of moving again and having what happens happens. Do you think you'd be able to help me rent a Uhaul when the time comes, there is a place right down the road. I don't want to hire movers again.

Craig

P.S. Did you ever find someone to tak the extra ticket to My Deah? I could have someone in mind. I know that's not really top priority but I was wondering.


I guess if anyone can help me out I would appreciate that, but it's just hope I'm living on.

I realized that this explains why I'm having the issues I'm having right now. A year ago I was in panic mode, the only thing I could think of was staying afloat, staying in the city. I didn't worry about the future, only making it to the next day.

This year being a little less hectic of course it's natural that I'm finding something to worry about that involves future plans. I shouldn't worry, yet I do. It's weird to have had the year I had last year. What's stranger is that marking this week means the year is done officially and these struggles officially become memory.

I am trying my best to keep my spirits up and all that other rut. It's funny that with the marking of this year ending. I look back and see so much that's changed, yet it all seems to little.

This also marks the official entrance of the GC into my life, him being absent for a bit while he was on a trip. Being grateful and helpful to give me a place to stay and help during the hard times. It's not difficult to see why I felt the way I did for him, with the kindness he gave to me. It's also somewhat ironic that he's really no longer in my life at all anymore. Yearly cycles truly are so strange, yet the patterns always prove to be the same.

And thus the caterpillar sheds it's cocoon and becomes a butterfly.