I was taught at an early age that I will never been what I want to be. I will go to college and thought I may study for a specific major, but probably will never practice it. I went through college being told that I owed thousands and thousands of dollars in loans.
Today, I spent 10 hours putting paperclips on paper. It all sort of made sense in that moment. I feel such a weird anxiety in trying to be a dresser. Maybe because if I try and if I fail, as I have been raised to believe anyway, then there will be nothing. Nothing except putting paperclips on paper for hours at a time.
I look around my office and watch the temps who stayed behind from my last job. They work usually from 9 to midnight each day. That's the most extreme and sure they are being paid hourly, but is this their dream? Opening junk mail? Putting paperclips on paper?
Maybe I'm the odd one out. I thought you myself, "I want to be a dresser! If I have paper clipping in my future, then I need to change it." I usually laugh about now, because I remember my resume.
The other day I was called for a 6 month long paralegal job from my temp agency. The conversation is as follows:
HE: Hi, I'm calling cause Joe recommended you for this job. It's 6 months long, paralegal work and well . . .do you. . . have ANY interest in this at all?
ME: Um. . .
HE: Tell me why Joe would give me your resume.
ME: (As if recited) I'm a young college graduate who got high honors. Also I am bright and open to trying new things right now. I'm very excited to test my wings in a lot of options.
HE: That's exactly what he told me, the one thing that's missing is. . . Do you like law?
ME: Ummmm [I should've lied here, but I was a little stoned, instead I laugh.] I have plenty of lawyer friends though. . .Paralegals are like temps right? I can do that.
HE: (Begins to laugh hysterically over the phone, I join in to alleviate the fact he's mocking my answer) I'll be right back. . .
At this point I figured he was asking Joe, why the fuck would this kid ever get picked with his resume. He returned:
HE: So you wanna go to law school?
ME: Nah.
HE: DO YOU WATCH LAW & ORDER?!
ME: Oh, yes! With my friends. [At this point I know it's too late].
This was soon followed the next day by applying to a job fair and giving my resume to someone to looked at it blankly and said, "you could work in reception. . . do you speak Spanish?"
No, but I do have incredible skills in paper clipping and making photo copies!
Showing posts with label Future Plans. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Future Plans. Show all posts
Monday, September 21
Saturday, September 19
Postcards from the Edge
How have I been doing? That's a good question. A good question indeed.
I have spent hours in waiting rooms, I have more temp work. I've been trying to overcome this unconscious fear of applying for dresser jobs. My bike broke, then I fixed it. I think.
I went upstate this last weekend and ate more than humanly possible. I've been seeing the Construction Worker more than the Georgia Peach. I don't want to narrow it down just yet, but I do feel I'm giving more attention to one than the other.
There's this uncertainty in the air, perhaps it's the fall weather. I don't know, things have shifted. Weights and balances in the universe, I guess they shift. Things are wilting and dying. It's mildly depressing in this beautiful way. The color that is created through the death of leaves.
I watched the MTV Music awards and think that Lady Gaga is the best performer. . .ever. What was the blood dripping down her chest. That was planned? How brilliant.
I have spent hours in waiting rooms, I have more temp work. I've been trying to overcome this unconscious fear of applying for dresser jobs. My bike broke, then I fixed it. I think.
I went upstate this last weekend and ate more than humanly possible. I've been seeing the Construction Worker more than the Georgia Peach. I don't want to narrow it down just yet, but I do feel I'm giving more attention to one than the other.
There's this uncertainty in the air, perhaps it's the fall weather. I don't know, things have shifted. Weights and balances in the universe, I guess they shift. Things are wilting and dying. It's mildly depressing in this beautiful way. The color that is created through the death of leaves.
I watched the MTV Music awards and think that Lady Gaga is the best performer. . .ever. What was the blood dripping down her chest. That was planned? How brilliant.
Friday, September 4
Futon Paradise
I purchased a wonderful futon from Ikea the other day. The old one seemed to be cursed and would not come apart no matter how much I tried to dismantle it! Then Elizabeth came home and waved her hand and it fell to pieces.
I'm a little pissed off because I was supposed to be selling Ralph Lauren clothing for the US Open this week, but it seems I am not needed. I haven't minded the week off and I've been incredibly active in doing things. I just can't call my temp agency and say, "The work I was assigned isn't being given to me, can I have more work." In one more week this will be through and things shall return to normal. They said next week will be busier and I will be ready!
I may be getting a kitten soon. This is astounding and thrilling news. The Wounded Soldier's cats had five little kittens and he is offering them out. I have 4 weeks to decide this, but I think it will happen. I'm nervous, but I think it could be an amazing adventure. . .
So I have been very silent for weeks because I have been dating. A lot. I don't know how it happens, but I'll go through these periods where men want me from left and right. Then nothing for weeks. I know that may sound like bragging, but in this new era where I am not being a Manhunt whore, a date is appreciated. Even 4 dates at once.
Though there have been multiple men. There are two that have caught my attention. Both similar and vastly different in their mannerisms. There is the Georgia Peach and the Construction Worker. The things they have in common is that they are both from masculine backgrounds. I love my masculine gay men, as a friend says, "Straight acting is still acting. . ."
It's funny because between the two of them there is a tie for who I would rather spend more time with. If I had it my way (and perhaps I will get my way) I would keep both. The Georgia Peach is a beautiful southern boy. He has no baggage this time, there is no small child in sight and he has a good job. He loves weed and doesn't do hard drugs. He's only been out for a couple of years, before that he was "fucking girls". Apparently not everyone comes out at 15, well for those of us who do. We laugh at the idea of that. Fucking vagina . . .heh.
He's been kind and cuddly and then quiet and distance. It's too soon to really decide anything, but he's an Aries, which I've been told is dangerous to caring people like me. I see it though.
The Construction Worker is older [39] but is beautiful too. He owns his own construction company that is green. He has a large SUV and comes from a half-Italian/half-Lebanese family. I will never be invited to a family dinner. He's quiet, but I enjoy the silence. The same goes for the Peach. There's no incessant talking. I can talk incessantly with my friends. He too came out later in life and no doubt fucked bitches before he was officially a homo. Unlike the Peach though he seems to have been around with more men. He was born and raised in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn. I find that hot.
Honestly, I find the idea of gay men who still wear baggy jeans hot. They both wear unfitted jeans.
The Peach and I have slept together. It happened suddenly and without warning. It's hot and quick. Dirty and fun. Then we cuddle while we sleep. In the morning he promptly goes to work and kicks me out like a trick. I ride my bike home and wonder if he'll ever call me until to do something.
The Construction Worker and I have not slept together yet. Even though I long too. We've hung out more though. Seen movies, drank until we were funnily drunk, seen movies. Then he drives me home in his large SUV and we make out in his car. I cannot tell if he's waiting for me to invite him up. He tells me there is no pressure. I also have the slight doubt that the moment I sleep with him I may never see him again.
Time will tell with all of these things. . .
There, I have got you caught up with most everything that's important these days. Now we sit and wait. . .
I'm a little pissed off because I was supposed to be selling Ralph Lauren clothing for the US Open this week, but it seems I am not needed. I haven't minded the week off and I've been incredibly active in doing things. I just can't call my temp agency and say, "The work I was assigned isn't being given to me, can I have more work." In one more week this will be through and things shall return to normal. They said next week will be busier and I will be ready!
I may be getting a kitten soon. This is astounding and thrilling news. The Wounded Soldier's cats had five little kittens and he is offering them out. I have 4 weeks to decide this, but I think it will happen. I'm nervous, but I think it could be an amazing adventure. . .
So I have been very silent for weeks because I have been dating. A lot. I don't know how it happens, but I'll go through these periods where men want me from left and right. Then nothing for weeks. I know that may sound like bragging, but in this new era where I am not being a Manhunt whore, a date is appreciated. Even 4 dates at once.
Though there have been multiple men. There are two that have caught my attention. Both similar and vastly different in their mannerisms. There is the Georgia Peach and the Construction Worker. The things they have in common is that they are both from masculine backgrounds. I love my masculine gay men, as a friend says, "Straight acting is still acting. . ."
It's funny because between the two of them there is a tie for who I would rather spend more time with. If I had it my way (and perhaps I will get my way) I would keep both. The Georgia Peach is a beautiful southern boy. He has no baggage this time, there is no small child in sight and he has a good job. He loves weed and doesn't do hard drugs. He's only been out for a couple of years, before that he was "fucking girls". Apparently not everyone comes out at 15, well for those of us who do. We laugh at the idea of that. Fucking vagina . . .heh.
He's been kind and cuddly and then quiet and distance. It's too soon to really decide anything, but he's an Aries, which I've been told is dangerous to caring people like me. I see it though.
The Construction Worker is older [39] but is beautiful too. He owns his own construction company that is green. He has a large SUV and comes from a half-Italian/half-Lebanese family. I will never be invited to a family dinner. He's quiet, but I enjoy the silence. The same goes for the Peach. There's no incessant talking. I can talk incessantly with my friends. He too came out later in life and no doubt fucked bitches before he was officially a homo. Unlike the Peach though he seems to have been around with more men. He was born and raised in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn. I find that hot.
Honestly, I find the idea of gay men who still wear baggy jeans hot. They both wear unfitted jeans.
The Peach and I have slept together. It happened suddenly and without warning. It's hot and quick. Dirty and fun. Then we cuddle while we sleep. In the morning he promptly goes to work and kicks me out like a trick. I ride my bike home and wonder if he'll ever call me until to do something.
The Construction Worker and I have not slept together yet. Even though I long too. We've hung out more though. Seen movies, drank until we were funnily drunk, seen movies. Then he drives me home in his large SUV and we make out in his car. I cannot tell if he's waiting for me to invite him up. He tells me there is no pressure. I also have the slight doubt that the moment I sleep with him I may never see him again.
Time will tell with all of these things. . .
There, I have got you caught up with most everything that's important these days. Now we sit and wait. . .
Tuesday, June 9
This Is Life . . .
I've been lazy. I've been lethargic. I have been active, that much is true.
I have been looking into several job placement kind of agencies. Why not? Rather then madly looking around, I'll look into stuff that will bring the work to me.
I was walking home today when the strange realization came to me, "This is it. . ." There's no homework or projects. Just looking for a job, getting my hair cut, going to the gym, etc. Simple things, easy tasks that need to be completed.
I went to a Rooftop Potluck dinner last night. Saw a film, been going to the doctor and therapy. This is life. . .All there is to it. To realize that now. heh! I still try to maintain my schedule.
I have been lazy, but in my the way I know, which is not really lazy at all. This is life . . .
I have been looking into several job placement kind of agencies. Why not? Rather then madly looking around, I'll look into stuff that will bring the work to me.
I was walking home today when the strange realization came to me, "This is it. . ." There's no homework or projects. Just looking for a job, getting my hair cut, going to the gym, etc. Simple things, easy tasks that need to be completed.
I went to a Rooftop Potluck dinner last night. Saw a film, been going to the doctor and therapy. This is life. . .All there is to it. To realize that now. heh! I still try to maintain my schedule.
I have been lazy, but in my the way I know, which is not really lazy at all. This is life . . .
Tuesday, June 2
On a Sweaty Night
Printing up resumes and getting my teeth cleaned. I'm being as productive as I can be.
I was told last night that I should take time to think about a bigger goal for five years in the future. A simple suggestion and I will gladly take it, but I just need to figure out what that thing is. Perhaps it's the Wardrobe thing, so until then I must look for a job.
Temp work is in my cites, I would not mind being a receptionist either. Perhaps I'll work on getting that. Or lie a little and get a waiting job. Oh, Christ! I'm a college graduate! I should have more of a plan than this. I live day-to-day and I cannot foresee the future, I am trying.
This weekend I went to the country and saw the sun and leaves. I felt the green of the grass and opened my mind. I laughed and slept and danced. To have fun in such dire times! I find that a little difficult. I'm working through it all.
I had a splendid time, that much is true. Then real life begins and it's a slight shock. Suddenly there is nothing, endless hours really. To do nothing. It hit me today, I sat on my couch not moving. I have to find a job, that is true. Yet, right now nothing is due. No classes to register for. No bedtimes are officially set yet.
All that's left is open time. Free hours to waste away into anything I want. I continued sitting on the couch, not moving, but only realizing: here we are. Oh well, you saw this coming. How thrilling, the whole of it!
Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. is hiring
I was told last night that I should take time to think about a bigger goal for five years in the future. A simple suggestion and I will gladly take it, but I just need to figure out what that thing is. Perhaps it's the Wardrobe thing, so until then I must look for a job.
American Apparel is hiring.
Temp work is in my cites, I would not mind being a receptionist either. Perhaps I'll work on getting that. Or lie a little and get a waiting job. Oh, Christ! I'm a college graduate! I should have more of a plan than this. I live day-to-day and I cannot foresee the future, I am trying.
This weekend I went to the country and saw the sun and leaves. I felt the green of the grass and opened my mind. I laughed and slept and danced. To have fun in such dire times! I find that a little difficult. I'm working through it all.
I had a splendid time, that much is true. Then real life begins and it's a slight shock. Suddenly there is nothing, endless hours really. To do nothing. It hit me today, I sat on my couch not moving. I have to find a job, that is true. Yet, right now nothing is due. No classes to register for. No bedtimes are officially set yet.
All that's left is open time. Free hours to waste away into anything I want. I continued sitting on the couch, not moving, but only realizing: here we are. Oh well, you saw this coming. How thrilling, the whole of it!
Sunday, May 24
The Graduation Weekend
It's been enjoyable. Friday, I got free drinks, in this harsh economy I had to squeeze them out of drunkards. It worked well, cause tipsy people usually are ecstatic that you are moving into a part of life.
Then there are those who start off with, "It's a tough time to be going into the job market. . ." I usually try and counter with breaking into tears and falling to my knees, cursing God above. The second most common responses have been, "Grad school is a wise choice." These people are the ones who are older, have lived for sometime—They feel panic—but still maintain their employment. No one has denied them anything yet, except perhaps a raise, but they know that it's bad. I just wish I knew what I wanted to do for Grad school.
A strange BBQ in Park Slope brought delicious grilled food and more congratulations. I feel excited, but in this terrified way. I have my prospects lined up, a business card to a temp agency. A meeting on June 23rd with the Wardrobe Union about registering. That may sound less than stable, but this is life. I can't know more than 36 hours in advance of my life. . .
I've been on the go all weekend, sitting down for hours at a time, but only hours at that. I will not be kept still for more than 3-4 hours maximum. For the next appointment begins sooner rather than later.
Tonight is dinner with an English man and meeting friends for a steak that is $9.95. I can't resist that, especially on the first weekend of graduation, when tonight my drinks shall all be free. It's okay, things continue on for at least another six months. I look for a job and find one. End of story.
As for the Film Professor. The awkward night in bed together has sealed the fate. I went to therapy and discussed the events and was given a mild solution. If I'm busy though, I never have time to think about my loneliness. So I will keep moving, after just finishing my marathon.
Everyone has a degree these days, so I'm just following along with everyone else. I am reviewing my resume and going to appointments. I had a tooth filled and I helped some friends around the city. Busy, busy busy. People call on me and I have to run to them. I hate having to reel it in though. People do so many things that involve money and I have a limited fund. Oh, well. Sacrifices must be made.
Then there are those who start off with, "It's a tough time to be going into the job market. . ." I usually try and counter with breaking into tears and falling to my knees, cursing God above. The second most common responses have been, "Grad school is a wise choice." These people are the ones who are older, have lived for sometime—They feel panic—but still maintain their employment. No one has denied them anything yet, except perhaps a raise, but they know that it's bad. I just wish I knew what I wanted to do for Grad school.
A strange BBQ in Park Slope brought delicious grilled food and more congratulations. I feel excited, but in this terrified way. I have my prospects lined up, a business card to a temp agency. A meeting on June 23rd with the Wardrobe Union about registering. That may sound less than stable, but this is life. I can't know more than 36 hours in advance of my life. . .
I've been on the go all weekend, sitting down for hours at a time, but only hours at that. I will not be kept still for more than 3-4 hours maximum. For the next appointment begins sooner rather than later.
Tonight is dinner with an English man and meeting friends for a steak that is $9.95. I can't resist that, especially on the first weekend of graduation, when tonight my drinks shall all be free. It's okay, things continue on for at least another six months. I look for a job and find one. End of story.
As for the Film Professor. The awkward night in bed together has sealed the fate. I went to therapy and discussed the events and was given a mild solution. If I'm busy though, I never have time to think about my loneliness. So I will keep moving, after just finishing my marathon.
Everyone has a degree these days, so I'm just following along with everyone else. I am reviewing my resume and going to appointments. I had a tooth filled and I helped some friends around the city. Busy, busy busy. People call on me and I have to run to them. I hate having to reel it in though. People do so many things that involve money and I have a limited fund. Oh, well. Sacrifices must be made.
Wednesday, May 20
On This Eve Before My Last Day
Tonight is the last full day I was a student, if you will. After tomorrow I will be through with college. For the time being.
To sit back and think of the ups and downs of the last five years would be enough to cause mental collapse. Last night I had the film professor spend the night and it was a dire mistake. I freaked out again. I feel bad, it was a fault on both sides. What was nice was I went to therapy and actually just talked about it and it was done.
I will send him an email telling him that I am emotionally retarded. I am torn down the middle. Go to LA and leave me here to heal myself. When you return perhaps I shall be a different person, but let's keep the short time that we had together as memories. Memories of what could have been. Let's not try and make it into something that cannot be.
Onto other things. Like that of the end of college. It's over . . .I was told I need to pick the right exit music. What do I leave the campus, as my last thought? Rose's Turn? I'm Going Back? I can't decide. It'll come to me tomorrow after the final. I will find it. Probably something Nina Simone. It must be appropriate though. Just must.
Now some stream-of-conscience —
I see a door, it's a plain brown square with a single knob. It's nothing frightening aside from the large imposing shadow it casts towards me. Beyond the door is unknown, which is the terrifying part of it all. I know I need to go beyond this door, but I am afraid. Nervous. People say it's silly and that I look around and see everyone else has survived. Yet, this door has been something I've been working towards for years, weeks days and months. I will go through the door, but I am still nervous.
To sit back and think of the ups and downs of the last five years would be enough to cause mental collapse. Last night I had the film professor spend the night and it was a dire mistake. I freaked out again. I feel bad, it was a fault on both sides. What was nice was I went to therapy and actually just talked about it and it was done.
I will send him an email telling him that I am emotionally retarded. I am torn down the middle. Go to LA and leave me here to heal myself. When you return perhaps I shall be a different person, but let's keep the short time that we had together as memories. Memories of what could have been. Let's not try and make it into something that cannot be.
Then it will be more poetic that way and less upsetting.
Onto other things. Like that of the end of college. It's over . . .I was told I need to pick the right exit music. What do I leave the campus, as my last thought? Rose's Turn? I'm Going Back? I can't decide. It'll come to me tomorrow after the final. I will find it. Probably something Nina Simone. It must be appropriate though. Just must.
Now some stream-of-conscience —
I see a door, it's a plain brown square with a single knob. It's nothing frightening aside from the large imposing shadow it casts towards me. Beyond the door is unknown, which is the terrifying part of it all. I know I need to go beyond this door, but I am afraid. Nervous. People say it's silly and that I look around and see everyone else has survived. Yet, this door has been something I've been working towards for years, weeks days and months. I will go through the door, but I am still nervous.
Monday, May 18
The Day Approaches
Two more finals. Then it's through! I have nothing to report.
Tonight is the first night actually being home in almost a week or so. Just going to sit in tonight and relax. I need that, to relax.
I missed the gayest day yesterday. The AIDS walk and the Pro-Gay Marriage Equality Walk where Audra McDonald did this:
I would have love to have been there. She's such a beautiful songstress. I'm glad she's on our side, but why wouldn't she be?
My roommate returns from Florida soon. That's exciting. I go to the Poconos sooner than that. I graduate college soonest of all. Now I'm finally going to sit down and watch Volver and increase my love for Penelope Cruz. Oh have I mentioned this yet and how excited I am . . .
Tonight is the first night actually being home in almost a week or so. Just going to sit in tonight and relax. I need that, to relax.
I missed the gayest day yesterday. The AIDS walk and the Pro-Gay Marriage Equality Walk where Audra McDonald did this:
I would have love to have been there. She's such a beautiful songstress. I'm glad she's on our side, but why wouldn't she be?
My roommate returns from Florida soon. That's exciting. I go to the Poconos sooner than that. I graduate college soonest of all. Now I'm finally going to sit down and watch Volver and increase my love for Penelope Cruz. Oh have I mentioned this yet and how excited I am . . .
Sunday, May 17
Who Out There Could Love You More Than I?
More working on the Film Short. I was an extra today and my sunburn from yesterday was very prevalent to the human eye.
The straight girls on this film love me. It's what I know I'm good with that I do, actors love me and my supervisors enjoy me. Now it's time to start getting paid for this work.
I went to Gaymer Birthday party. After finishing The Velvet Rage, I couldn't help but notice the room was full of people who were just like it was described. From the 19-year-old meth addict, who was sweet but in stage 2. To the sassy guy who argued with me about my tattoos. Oh it's like being a prophet. Only I can see the truth.
Then there was the moment where in their lack of conversation they would look to me. Cause I can always keep a conversation going. I looked back and said, "I have nothing to entertain you with right now." It made everyone stand there silently, and I felt okay with that.
I had loving friends there though, so that was worth it.
Tomorrow is my Philosophies of China and India final. This is not thrilling, since I've hardly studied. We shall see. I can't fail, I can only pass. Failing isn't written in the prophecy.
The straight girls on this film love me. It's what I know I'm good with that I do, actors love me and my supervisors enjoy me. Now it's time to start getting paid for this work.
I went to Gaymer Birthday party. After finishing The Velvet Rage, I couldn't help but notice the room was full of people who were just like it was described. From the 19-year-old meth addict, who was sweet but in stage 2. To the sassy guy who argued with me about my tattoos. Oh it's like being a prophet. Only I can see the truth.
Then there was the moment where in their lack of conversation they would look to me. Cause I can always keep a conversation going. I looked back and said, "I have nothing to entertain you with right now." It made everyone stand there silently, and I felt okay with that.
I had loving friends there though, so that was worth it.
Tomorrow is my Philosophies of China and India final. This is not thrilling, since I've hardly studied. We shall see. I can't fail, I can only pass. Failing isn't written in the prophecy.
Tuesday, April 21
Losing Focus
I'm 23-years-old. It's okay to feel nervous and unsure about the future! There is nothing wrong with that!
These last few weeks I have just felt such anxiety and a fear of the future. Today marks exactly one month until I finish classes forever. I enter the world of adults and begin a life!
Unfortunately, I have been having a dilemma these days. I just feel like I have lost my focus. There are those people who have plans. They will do this and be here at this point in their life. I don't know if I have that, or have had it for sometime.
That's what scares me, the fact I can't even figure it out. I try to think about my future, but I just don't know. I suppose I could start general and just pick big goals and let those lead into specifics.
I watched the HBO Grey Gardens this weekend. It was amazing and was a great movie to add to the Grey Garden's Legacy. It shook me though, I mean what does not shake me these days? Watching Little Edie in her youth, the things she thought, did and said. They were me.
I began to get worried that I could possibly end up trapped somewhere my whole life. That I did not want to be in. I know that recognizing this fear, means I won't allow myself to ever get trapped in that situation. Yet, there are somethings in life that happen and we can't control. . .
Oh, I'm letting these ghosts sit around for to long. We will keep going! As we do!
These last few weeks I have just felt such anxiety and a fear of the future. Today marks exactly one month until I finish classes forever. I enter the world of adults and begin a life!
Unfortunately, I have been having a dilemma these days. I just feel like I have lost my focus. There are those people who have plans. They will do this and be here at this point in their life. I don't know if I have that, or have had it for sometime.
That's what scares me, the fact I can't even figure it out. I try to think about my future, but I just don't know. I suppose I could start general and just pick big goals and let those lead into specifics.
I watched the HBO Grey Gardens this weekend. It was amazing and was a great movie to add to the Grey Garden's Legacy. It shook me though, I mean what does not shake me these days? Watching Little Edie in her youth, the things she thought, did and said. They were me.
I began to get worried that I could possibly end up trapped somewhere my whole life. That I did not want to be in. I know that recognizing this fear, means I won't allow myself to ever get trapped in that situation. Yet, there are somethings in life that happen and we can't control. . .
Oh, I'm letting these ghosts sit around for to long. We will keep going! As we do!
Sunday, April 12
Rise Up With Fists
First, my mother was in the hospital when I arrived home. She is fine and healthy. Simply a staph infection on her elbow. It was just a bit frightening to deal with mentally. So when I saw Next To Normal I cried the entire night.
I'll be leaving back tomorrow. Where I am due to meet up with the ShyGuy. Just hang out and talk, I don't know what to expect. It won't necessarily be a comfy visit, but it's just has to happen.
I've been thinking of alternate life decisions I want to make. Everyone upstate discusses my motivation and ambition. When they tell me of it I feel so confused. I haven't been doing anything. I mean I have, but now I am in that lull. Hopefully for only one more month too. Or else I don't know what will happen. Something will happen.
I'll get back to you when I know what's going on.
I'll be leaving back tomorrow. Where I am due to meet up with the ShyGuy. Just hang out and talk, I don't know what to expect. It won't necessarily be a comfy visit, but it's just has to happen.
I've been thinking of alternate life decisions I want to make. Everyone upstate discusses my motivation and ambition. When they tell me of it I feel so confused. I haven't been doing anything. I mean I have, but now I am in that lull. Hopefully for only one more month too. Or else I don't know what will happen. Something will happen.
I'll get back to you when I know what's going on.
Friday, February 6
It Truly Is The Cruelest Month
It's February, it slipped up on me. There's too many hidden memories that can slip up on me this month. Oh, it's a tricky month!
I was set off this evening when the costume designer asked me why I was in a fragile state of mind? When I was telling him about the Harring Letter. He did it in front of a few people I did not know. It put me in a state. Also, the fact that he is a Hot Dumpling and therefore lacks certain emotions.
My emotions are my own. I am the only one who owns them and if they are a little crazy. That is my business. I would love medication of some sort. The moment I get a job I think I am going to work toward this. The movie business is a touch ridiculous, people working for long hours and not getting paid. I feel it's only a matter of time before someone cracks.
This is how I am going to envision my life progressing for the next 3.5 months. I will look for a job and find one. I will start to make money and save money. To which I will eventually graduate college. That's all I care for right now, it's a time to prove myself. I've been bothered since on Feb 1st, my mother said: Iguana, I'm not sure I'm ready to give up my life to support yours.
Then perhaps you should not have had children. Moving home will never happen. It's not even an option I am allowing into my life.
I ask here and now [as I doomed my fate with Harring by declaring him just a third character in my Tall Man Epilogue] that the universe allow me to uphold all these requests. Give me diligence and energy to find a job and stay living in the city. Give me strength and reason to be happy daily, for I need to remember to love myself. It's time to prove oneself and right now there is so much uncertainty to the future. I ask to rise above it and live my life to it's fullest. I may have shown an excess of emotion in the last week or so, and I am willing to accept the negative energy. This is who I am and this is the only way I know how to react. I want to get better. I truly do.
I was set off this evening when the costume designer asked me why I was in a fragile state of mind? When I was telling him about the Harring Letter. He did it in front of a few people I did not know. It put me in a state. Also, the fact that he is a Hot Dumpling and therefore lacks certain emotions.
My emotions are my own. I am the only one who owns them and if they are a little crazy. That is my business. I would love medication of some sort. The moment I get a job I think I am going to work toward this. The movie business is a touch ridiculous, people working for long hours and not getting paid. I feel it's only a matter of time before someone cracks.
This is how I am going to envision my life progressing for the next 3.5 months. I will look for a job and find one. I will start to make money and save money. To which I will eventually graduate college. That's all I care for right now, it's a time to prove myself. I've been bothered since on Feb 1st, my mother said: Iguana, I'm not sure I'm ready to give up my life to support yours.
Then perhaps you should not have had children. Moving home will never happen. It's not even an option I am allowing into my life.
I ask here and now [as I doomed my fate with Harring by declaring him just a third character in my Tall Man Epilogue] that the universe allow me to uphold all these requests. Give me diligence and energy to find a job and stay living in the city. Give me strength and reason to be happy daily, for I need to remember to love myself. It's time to prove oneself and right now there is so much uncertainty to the future. I ask to rise above it and live my life to it's fullest. I may have shown an excess of emotion in the last week or so, and I am willing to accept the negative energy. This is who I am and this is the only way I know how to react. I want to get better. I truly do.
This is my request to the universe.
Wednesday, December 31
Hurrah. Final Entry of 2008.
Afternoon bus ride home from Upstate, NY. As the years progress the idea of being born and raised in the town known as Burnt Hills and growing up in the family that I once considered my own. It had become more allegorical than I ever intended it to be. I have two hours to get this all straight, I may not need them. I have allotted the trip to put my thoughts in order. Join me, won’t you?
The worse part is starting at the beginning, the task at hand seems to daunting. While I was home a friend, that boy, the young religious one, told me how sorry he felt about my reaction to visiting home. Is that how life is these days? The blessed pity the impious? He felt sorry that my trips home don’t prove restful and that’s what a trip home is supposed to do. Is it? Really?
My mother and father, I love. My dad recently took a big step in a good direction. The whole of it was strange. He made a snide comment to my grandparents about how I did nothing when I was home. I let my voice raise, but I felt it wasn’t worth it. Everyone here is at their wit’s end.
My dad and I went to see a movie after this indiscretion. He decided to do his talk, for which I have learned means: sit there and listen. I compare it to a lecture in college. He’s not necessarily asking for my opinion in anything. He just wishes to lay the cards out. He complimented me, he told me truths about life.
He talked of my mother, his wife, as I’ve never heard it before. There seemed to be an eagerness in his voice. A prayer that I would just listen and not take anything at offense. I performed to my highest ability. He was being open and honest with me. When he told me how my mother threatens to leave him constantly, I could not respond.
Both my parents want me to succeed in life. Do I enjoy the fact that they both think I’m spoiled? Not necessarily, but they both believe I was. I was spoiled as a kid, I worked for the good grades while my brother slipped by. I always tried to appease their wishes, when I knew how easy it was to break the rules. I am trying to be the best son I can be. I guess I expected something in return.
Both my parents are amazed at how I’ve gotten by. They only know the censored for TV version, which tends to make life a little more difficult. I’m figuring all that out as we go along. When I am cornered with my mother in the car and discussions move from point A to B and then suddenly to point G. That much is my fault because I allow myself to go there. I can’t get frustrated at her for not understanding.
My entire nine days home was focused on my Drug Addict/Alcoholic/Mess of an Aunt. I’ve never thought my family would turn into one of those families. We harbor this wraith in the house while everyone goes on pretending she’s necessary to the scenery. People speak openly about her impending funeral and I wish I could tell them what is really on my mind. True the woman has been awful in her recovery, but why do we entertain her drunken wants and needs? I learned tt’s not in my power to make choices on that, just to watch as she wastes away. Then that day when she’s gone, we will all wash our hands of the issues? Will we? Can we ever just forget that?
My mother’s boredom, her restlessness, has become an issue that drives me slightly mad. I found myself going off onto more personal issues because she argues about the littlest things. I left the ice cream out on the counter to long. Some of my high school friends I invite over are too loud. Why do you hate Upstate, NY? I have such an anger problem, but I’m only twenty-three. Whatever will we do about my aunt? (Keeping in mind this last topic was brought up about twice a day for nine days.)
She is so terribly bored and thus has become a creature of habit. She doesn’t read or follow anything, other than TV. She obsesses over these little things, but can’t admit that. Yet, there is nothing wrong in reminding me of my eccentricities. I guess I am used to it.
I return home, nine days later, knowing that everyone in the family now sees my depression. Notices my sadness, as if I wear it on my sleeve and they are concerned. I wonder if I walk by bushes and they don’t wilt. They understand the world is in awry, I am jobless, poor and stressed. They want to be there for me, which is reassuring.
So I need to be proactive and look for a job, if one exists. I need to better myself as a person, because the damages can be repaired. I need to be ceremonious and allow the New Years of 2009 to be a transition. Of energies, goals, wishes and happiness.
A year ago on New Years I blacked out in China. Drunk on too much rice wine. 2008 came without my approval and I believe that something happened. A wire crossed and things became blurry.
It’s only been a year, people expected so much improvement in only a year. People can’t see time how I see time. That’s their folly.
The worse part is starting at the beginning, the task at hand seems to daunting. While I was home a friend, that boy, the young religious one, told me how sorry he felt about my reaction to visiting home. Is that how life is these days? The blessed pity the impious? He felt sorry that my trips home don’t prove restful and that’s what a trip home is supposed to do. Is it? Really?
My mother and father, I love. My dad recently took a big step in a good direction. The whole of it was strange. He made a snide comment to my grandparents about how I did nothing when I was home. I let my voice raise, but I felt it wasn’t worth it. Everyone here is at their wit’s end.
My dad and I went to see a movie after this indiscretion. He decided to do his talk, for which I have learned means: sit there and listen. I compare it to a lecture in college. He’s not necessarily asking for my opinion in anything. He just wishes to lay the cards out. He complimented me, he told me truths about life.
He talked of my mother, his wife, as I’ve never heard it before. There seemed to be an eagerness in his voice. A prayer that I would just listen and not take anything at offense. I performed to my highest ability. He was being open and honest with me. When he told me how my mother threatens to leave him constantly, I could not respond.
Both my parents want me to succeed in life. Do I enjoy the fact that they both think I’m spoiled? Not necessarily, but they both believe I was. I was spoiled as a kid, I worked for the good grades while my brother slipped by. I always tried to appease their wishes, when I knew how easy it was to break the rules. I am trying to be the best son I can be. I guess I expected something in return.
Both my parents are amazed at how I’ve gotten by. They only know the censored for TV version, which tends to make life a little more difficult. I’m figuring all that out as we go along. When I am cornered with my mother in the car and discussions move from point A to B and then suddenly to point G. That much is my fault because I allow myself to go there. I can’t get frustrated at her for not understanding.
A year ago, I went to China. A year ago, I felt invincible. A year ago, I thought life owed me for everything.
My entire nine days home was focused on my Drug Addict/Alcoholic/Mess of an Aunt. I’ve never thought my family would turn into one of those families. We harbor this wraith in the house while everyone goes on pretending she’s necessary to the scenery. People speak openly about her impending funeral and I wish I could tell them what is really on my mind. True the woman has been awful in her recovery, but why do we entertain her drunken wants and needs? I learned tt’s not in my power to make choices on that, just to watch as she wastes away. Then that day when she’s gone, we will all wash our hands of the issues? Will we? Can we ever just forget that?
My mother’s boredom, her restlessness, has become an issue that drives me slightly mad. I found myself going off onto more personal issues because she argues about the littlest things. I left the ice cream out on the counter to long. Some of my high school friends I invite over are too loud. Why do you hate Upstate, NY? I have such an anger problem, but I’m only twenty-three. Whatever will we do about my aunt? (Keeping in mind this last topic was brought up about twice a day for nine days.)
She is so terribly bored and thus has become a creature of habit. She doesn’t read or follow anything, other than TV. She obsesses over these little things, but can’t admit that. Yet, there is nothing wrong in reminding me of my eccentricities. I guess I am used to it.
I return home, nine days later, knowing that everyone in the family now sees my depression. Notices my sadness, as if I wear it on my sleeve and they are concerned. I wonder if I walk by bushes and they don’t wilt. They understand the world is in awry, I am jobless, poor and stressed. They want to be there for me, which is reassuring.
So I need to be proactive and look for a job, if one exists. I need to better myself as a person, because the damages can be repaired. I need to be ceremonious and allow the New Years of 2009 to be a transition. Of energies, goals, wishes and happiness.
A year ago on New Years I blacked out in China. Drunk on too much rice wine. 2008 came without my approval and I believe that something happened. A wire crossed and things became blurry.
It’s only been a year, people expected so much improvement in only a year. People can’t see time how I see time. That’s their folly.
Thursday, September 25
Iguana Predicts The Future
But I am going to look into Xanax one of these days. The sleepless night has thrown me off.
At 4 AM I heard silence, the city truly sleeps at one point of the night. I heard faint noises, sounds of past neglect echoing to no one. I saw TVs still on through windows and I looked up into the sky. I swear to you! I saw stars! How grand to see a few had come out so late at night. In Brooklyn, we can see the stars, but only when everyone is asleep.
I'm skipping class to do homework, but there is no homework I want to do. I've been slowly plotting my life's next move. Last night I laid awake again, after having discussed with my female high school friend, who is voting for McCain this coming election, my predictions of the future.
As a gay New Yorker should I stop talking to her all together? Or go the way of Allah and become closer with her and hope I can drive those notions out. I'm afraid this world is doomed and I was born into a generation that is going to enter the coming years in the next Great Depression!
Personally, seeing the world go crazy seems sort of fun. You have to understand, I come from a world where insanity makes perfect sense. I would love to watch the stock market crash and see how the world would react. Would is all end in one single Nuclear Armageddon? I hope not, what fun would that be? To just erase the mistakes made so quickly.
I would rather the world revert back to a John Steinbeck novel. Dust roads, tumbleweeds, Bush-Ville, we all dress up as Tramps again. And in these years to come, as I wear my bowler hat and travel with nothing but a stick and a small handkerchief attached. I would meet up with that high school friend and we would travel together. Across the poverty stricken lands maybe moving down towards Mexico, because we prefer the warm sun to the cold winters of the northern badlands.
Not to mention that Global Warming has gotten so bad, the upper part of North America is slowly being submerged in water. Oh, what the future holds! We will reach what was once called Mexico, but is now known as the first Outer Republic of China, and we will sleep under the stars!
Then, one night, as we roast an Armadillo that I caught with using only the contents in my handkerchief. I will reminisce with her, we have eaten tonight and no longer need to worry about quelling the ache. We will have time to remember the distant past! Things like Computers and E-Mails and Cell Phones! Text Messaging, can you even begin to recall the time when we wanted to distance ourselves from others? Oh when did we suck the earth dry of all it's resources? That it all went to chaos?
I will then bring up the night I laid awake worrying, once again prematurely, many years ago. At that point in my life I didn't know the problems I knew today. She will roll her eyes because this is an issue I always return to during midnight conversations. The only difference is we're having it in a new locale.
I will remind this high school friend that if only Obama had won the Election! Maybe we'd still be here, but at least he was willing to try something new and different. Not to mention the vile Sarah Palin, who will eventually become so tyrannical that 75% of the world has laid out bounties to kill any American's on sight. We will be refering to her as La Presidenta, well those of us who still follow the government.
The Tramps won't. We'll have out own system of living, that includes never staying in one place for to long. And staying in solid groups of twos and threes. We will intentionally couple up, because we value the company of others and being alone terrifies us all. Not just me. Differences won't matter. The groupings will be primal, like Penguins who pair up in Antartica. You will always be able to find your mate no matter what. If seperated for to long, it's rumored both will fade and die.
Our code of living will be earthly and simplistic. It will be honest and true. Age, race, gender, none of it will truly matter. Just the company you can give others. The only time you will ever truly lie awake worrying is if that fabled seperation comes. In these trying times, it's the only thing that is cause for alarm, because everything else is so unsure!
And that was my prediction of the future. Oh, and Tina Turner is with us.
At 4 AM I heard silence, the city truly sleeps at one point of the night. I heard faint noises, sounds of past neglect echoing to no one. I saw TVs still on through windows and I looked up into the sky. I swear to you! I saw stars! How grand to see a few had come out so late at night. In Brooklyn, we can see the stars, but only when everyone is asleep.
I'm skipping class to do homework, but there is no homework I want to do. I've been slowly plotting my life's next move. Last night I laid awake again, after having discussed with my female high school friend, who is voting for McCain this coming election, my predictions of the future.
As a gay New Yorker should I stop talking to her all together? Or go the way of Allah and become closer with her and hope I can drive those notions out. I'm afraid this world is doomed and I was born into a generation that is going to enter the coming years in the next Great Depression!
Personally, seeing the world go crazy seems sort of fun. You have to understand, I come from a world where insanity makes perfect sense. I would love to watch the stock market crash and see how the world would react. Would is all end in one single Nuclear Armageddon? I hope not, what fun would that be? To just erase the mistakes made so quickly.
I would rather the world revert back to a John Steinbeck novel. Dust roads, tumbleweeds, Bush-Ville, we all dress up as Tramps again. And in these years to come, as I wear my bowler hat and travel with nothing but a stick and a small handkerchief attached. I would meet up with that high school friend and we would travel together. Across the poverty stricken lands maybe moving down towards Mexico, because we prefer the warm sun to the cold winters of the northern badlands.
Not to mention that Global Warming has gotten so bad, the upper part of North America is slowly being submerged in water. Oh, what the future holds! We will reach what was once called Mexico, but is now known as the first Outer Republic of China, and we will sleep under the stars!
Then, one night, as we roast an Armadillo that I caught with using only the contents in my handkerchief. I will reminisce with her, we have eaten tonight and no longer need to worry about quelling the ache. We will have time to remember the distant past! Things like Computers and E-Mails and Cell Phones! Text Messaging, can you even begin to recall the time when we wanted to distance ourselves from others? Oh when did we suck the earth dry of all it's resources? That it all went to chaos?
I will then bring up the night I laid awake worrying, once again prematurely, many years ago. At that point in my life I didn't know the problems I knew today. She will roll her eyes because this is an issue I always return to during midnight conversations. The only difference is we're having it in a new locale.
I will remind this high school friend that if only Obama had won the Election! Maybe we'd still be here, but at least he was willing to try something new and different. Not to mention the vile Sarah Palin, who will eventually become so tyrannical that 75% of the world has laid out bounties to kill any American's on sight. We will be refering to her as La Presidenta, well those of us who still follow the government.
The Tramps won't. We'll have out own system of living, that includes never staying in one place for to long. And staying in solid groups of twos and threes. We will intentionally couple up, because we value the company of others and being alone terrifies us all. Not just me. Differences won't matter. The groupings will be primal, like Penguins who pair up in Antartica. You will always be able to find your mate no matter what. If seperated for to long, it's rumored both will fade and die.
Our code of living will be earthly and simplistic. It will be honest and true. Age, race, gender, none of it will truly matter. Just the company you can give others. The only time you will ever truly lie awake worrying is if that fabled seperation comes. In these trying times, it's the only thing that is cause for alarm, because everything else is so unsure!
And that was my prediction of the future. Oh, and Tina Turner is with us.
Sunday, September 14
Monday, November 12
Another Closing of Another Show
Oh daddy, that fatso! Then he flew out the window, dirtied the ground below...
The play is finished, I start back to the normal bump and grind. I'm in a slight fear though. I have a research paper due on the 20th for my English class. I don't know how I am going to write it, but I will. It's ridiculous this work I get and can't do. Can't do all in time, it keeps coming and coming. I am trying, this is due, that is due...It's all DUE!
I kissed the cat, my daddies dead. I'm feeling fat, my mommies thin. Daddy is a winner, but we all fall down.
I usually look forward to going back to work, yet I don't tomorrow. Not at all. Not in the least. In fact it makes me very upset I am going back. My mother said I should quit next year. I think I will quit next year. Not next year but soon, very soon. It's too much. I'd sooner have no job.
College days...My best of friends had married men, with brains and money!
I went to a show in Brooklyn tonight called Yank! A new Musical. Not as dirty as it sounds. In fact it was a brilliant little piece of theater. I hope there can be success for it. It was nice to have a new musical that was REALLY good. Not for show. Like certain movie musicals that run Broadway.
Then the crash, there I said it! No more cash no more credit!
It also reminded me that I am not happy. This is how the progression of my mind worked. Leaving the school show, going to a small theater, seeing all these older gay men from the theater world. It all came to me. I shouldn't tell people about my job and feel horribly upset about it. I just shouldn't! Yet, that's how it starts all the time. "I am a financial printer...it's awful...picture the most boring job in the world and take away the lunch break."
On Wall Street these men stood. Then they flew out the window, right on the neighborhood...
That's how it always starts and plainly I'm getting sick of it. I'm getting tired of the mundane nonstop work. With no perks. They don't even buy us pizza when we're slammed, instead they just work and work and work us. Expecting us to be content. How exactly does that work? I ask you? The only reason I haven't had it is because I only work there three days a week. Yet, if that's enough to drive me nuts. Then really how can I make it through the summer? Oh yes, summer classes/possible internship. It's gotten to the point if they let me go I would shrug. A simple job would truly be nice.
I was young and he was rich! He made his pitch and we got married.
China first and then the future. China first. You can make it through China, of course you can. Actually, New Orleans first, China next.
He read books and I wore furs. First there's smoke, doom is brewing we went broke...
I don't remember if I've actually ever mentioned that for Thanksgiving I am going to New Orleans with some of my good friends. I'll be there for five days. I will not worry about anything. I don't care what papers or such are due. I won't really touch them, I don't plan on it.
I want to work in theatre, I don't care how. But I do know with this job I can no longer pretend it's helping me achieve my goal. It's only keeping me back.
Then he flew, then...then he flew. Dammit he used the doorway, left me for someone new...
It's odd how my mind works. I wanted to write about how I took the bus to the theater today and ran into a guy who I was going to sleep with, but never have. He was on a date/hookup. Who knows. We said hello, we were on the bus together. It couldn't be avoided. In my mind though I wanted to say, "I'm going to put on my ipod now. I am glad you're so busy to hang out you can go home with this guy and have dinner and watch a movie." Though, I didn't. Instead I laughed and joked. I can say though I looked good in my new coat (that I stole, more on that later) and my scarf. So though deep down inside he had the upper hand with his date/hookup and I was going to the theater alone. I looked good...Yes, tell yourself that and you'll feel better...right?
My daddy, friend's husbands they at least used the window! Credit where credits due! I wish mine died, then I wear black. I'd eat my pride and say I shoved him! Holy Christ I think I loved him!
Sunday, November 4
Rethinking the Situation
I was hanging out with someone last night. It's very difficult to hang out with someone who is only a year or so older than you. To hear about their terrific life and all that. The high paying job they have, how lucky they were with their career path. How they can afford 1000 a month on an apartment. They've traveled the world. Etc. They have themselves put together pretty well.
It's also more difficult hearing these things while high. I get slightly paranoid and more quiet than normal. So I probably seemed like an even bigger Hot Mess. I sometimes meet people when I'm high (as I am won to do) that I can't tell if it's just my mind, mixed with the paranoia, or factual that they get VERY angry. Like they have these moments of aggressive behavior mixed with unnecessary angry they they can normally hide when sober, but it sneaks out when their attention it less focused.
So things like me telling this guy about my job, that I am not longer enjoying. Yet I stay there because, A. I am close to the boss and I know we're short on people and I don't want to quit for no apparently reason. As I can't really look for another job now, since I'm going to China in a month and I have classes still. and B. That I am still in school and this is not a job I plan on sticking at, I know someday I'll leave it. Chances are, sooner than later.
Instead of understanding, he lets out this angry comment to me about, "It's not worth staying there when you're wasting your potential and you are compromising your talent!" In a normal moment I would defend this...At this spacey moment I took it in silence. As I sometimes do.
This goes back to my fears from the other day. You know, not sure what I can do right now...
I just hope to be as famous and fabulous as her someday...
Warning, this is almost TO FUNNY. You may die of laughter:
It's also more difficult hearing these things while high. I get slightly paranoid and more quiet than normal. So I probably seemed like an even bigger Hot Mess. I sometimes meet people when I'm high (as I am won to do) that I can't tell if it's just my mind, mixed with the paranoia, or factual that they get VERY angry. Like they have these moments of aggressive behavior mixed with unnecessary angry they they can normally hide when sober, but it sneaks out when their attention it less focused.
So things like me telling this guy about my job, that I am not longer enjoying. Yet I stay there because, A. I am close to the boss and I know we're short on people and I don't want to quit for no apparently reason. As I can't really look for another job now, since I'm going to China in a month and I have classes still. and B. That I am still in school and this is not a job I plan on sticking at, I know someday I'll leave it. Chances are, sooner than later.
Instead of understanding, he lets out this angry comment to me about, "It's not worth staying there when you're wasting your potential and you are compromising your talent!" In a normal moment I would defend this...At this spacey moment I took it in silence. As I sometimes do.
This goes back to my fears from the other day. You know, not sure what I can do right now...
I just hope to be as famous and fabulous as her someday...
Warning, this is almost TO FUNNY. You may die of laughter:
Thursday, November 1
Something that's not happened in a while...
As usual, before I get underway. I wish to express some issues of life, to be serious for a moment. That's much different from the normal jive I spin out on here. However, before I get underway, one quick musical tidbit...
I Can Get It For You Wholesale's orchestrations really reminds me of West Side Story's. Which is ridiculously absurd. I listen and I am oddly remind of it. Moving along...
School, school, school. It's been causing insomnia and doubts in life. 2008 is approaching and I'm still trying to figure out what it's all about. It's been four years since this "journey" began and I'm none the more clearer. Ideally, I would like to go into something along the lines of Dramaturgy/Archivist or Casting. I know the former probably sounds boring, but to me I find it incredibly fascinating. I get a bootleg of Sideshow and I feel like I've just received a new pair of Diesel shoes. Casting, I've been doing casting for the movie and I just like that idea.
In short, I would love to work in the New Public Library in the archives or something like that. Or cast for shows. The difficult part is I'm not all that "nerdy" for Dramaturgy. And they don't exactly have a Casting major. Thought 1 finished.
Next would be my ultimate spiral down Spinster-dom. I know at 22, I can't REALLY say I'm becoming a Spinster, I mean I was once a slut, right? So how does that happen so suddenly. Yet, why do I feel no attraction to anything anymore (I mean sexually)? Why have I gone on some dates and just think, this won't work about five minutes into the date.
I feel more solace alone or with good friends where there is no chance of anything happening. I no longer feel the need for sex at this moment in my life. Even if I pretend I'm horny, I don't feel like making the time for it at all.
Ever have a moment when people all have this idea, and you know it sounds easier than the ideas you do. Yet you can't conform. Like the idea of having sex with a guy openly, where there's nothing exclusive. It makes all the sense in the world to me.
I'm a generation raised on false hopes that there's a perfect person for you out there. I was raised on these beliefs. Yet, it all seems to just FALSE. People meet they date and build lives together. Then one day they get bored and disaster strikes and they have to rebuild. That's how it really works, right?
No one will see me and want to date me. I'm too specific for this whole system. Yet, someone to smile my way is a nice feeling. I think it's time I reread The Night of the Iguana again. There is nothing wrong at all with being celibate, or choosing to be that way.
I just fear that the feelings I'm feeling about sexuality right now aren't permanent. I wish I could know what went wrong in the last year that I suddenly just changed? It's perplexing to me, I have ideas, yet I'm not ready to discuss them. This is where therapy would help, but I can't afford that. So into the blog it goes.
I Can Get It For You Wholesale's orchestrations really reminds me of West Side Story's. Which is ridiculously absurd. I listen and I am oddly remind of it. Moving along...
School, school, school. It's been causing insomnia and doubts in life. 2008 is approaching and I'm still trying to figure out what it's all about. It's been four years since this "journey" began and I'm none the more clearer. Ideally, I would like to go into something along the lines of Dramaturgy/Archivist or Casting. I know the former probably sounds boring, but to me I find it incredibly fascinating. I get a bootleg of Sideshow and I feel like I've just received a new pair of Diesel shoes. Casting, I've been doing casting for the movie and I just like that idea.
In short, I would love to work in the New Public Library in the archives or something like that. Or cast for shows. The difficult part is I'm not all that "nerdy" for Dramaturgy. And they don't exactly have a Casting major. Thought 1 finished.
Next would be my ultimate spiral down Spinster-dom. I know at 22, I can't REALLY say I'm becoming a Spinster, I mean I was once a slut, right? So how does that happen so suddenly. Yet, why do I feel no attraction to anything anymore (I mean sexually)? Why have I gone on some dates and just think, this won't work about five minutes into the date.
I feel more solace alone or with good friends where there is no chance of anything happening. I no longer feel the need for sex at this moment in my life. Even if I pretend I'm horny, I don't feel like making the time for it at all.
Ever have a moment when people all have this idea, and you know it sounds easier than the ideas you do. Yet you can't conform. Like the idea of having sex with a guy openly, where there's nothing exclusive. It makes all the sense in the world to me.
I'm a generation raised on false hopes that there's a perfect person for you out there. I was raised on these beliefs. Yet, it all seems to just FALSE. People meet they date and build lives together. Then one day they get bored and disaster strikes and they have to rebuild. That's how it really works, right?
No one will see me and want to date me. I'm too specific for this whole system. Yet, someone to smile my way is a nice feeling. I think it's time I reread The Night of the Iguana again. There is nothing wrong at all with being celibate, or choosing to be that way.
I just fear that the feelings I'm feeling about sexuality right now aren't permanent. I wish I could know what went wrong in the last year that I suddenly just changed? It's perplexing to me, I have ideas, yet I'm not ready to discuss them. This is where therapy would help, but I can't afford that. So into the blog it goes.
Wednesday, October 24
Patterns in Life
On this week, a year ago I wrote this:
I realized that this explains why I'm having the issues I'm having right now. A year ago I was in panic mode, the only thing I could think of was staying afloat, staying in the city. I didn't worry about the future, only making it to the next day.
This year being a little less hectic of course it's natural that I'm finding something to worry about that involves future plans. I shouldn't worry, yet I do. It's weird to have had the year I had last year. What's stranger is that marking this week means the year is done officially and these struggles officially become memory.
I am trying my best to keep my spirits up and all that other rut. It's funny that with the marking of this year ending. I look back and see so much that's changed, yet it all seems to little.
This also marks the official entrance of the GC into my life, him being absent for a bit while he was on a trip. Being grateful and helpful to give me a place to stay and help during the hard times. It's not difficult to see why I felt the way I did for him, with the kindness he gave to me. It's also somewhat ironic that he's really no longer in my life at all anymore. Yearly cycles truly are so strange, yet the patterns always prove to be the same.
So really quick cause that's apprently how my life is about to move...
Cause I don't have time to REALL type out an entry I'll just post the email I just wrote to a friend explaining my situation. I'm freaking out right now. But I do love my Post-Script. Even in times of panic I still think about theater.
J,
Its completely understandable, I am sorry that happened. It was sort of sucky, the guy who I was "dancing" with revealed he was totally gay when he spoke with CJ. He didn't even like me enough to talk to me after we shared such a special moment. haha.
So about the actual REAL news in my life. I am trying my best to stay calm, but it was in Philosophy where I started losing my nerve. Neil has mentioned how the lease is up in October. Meaning if they don't let the woman renew her lease, I have to be out soon. I'm trying not to cry but I feel tears coming. I have never felt this tense in my life. Neil is in a messy state, he's nervous as hell and it only made me feel worse. He is all paranoid that the landlord caught on that I was living there (by asking our neighbors) because they're the only people who could possibly know I'm "living" there. And that that may be the reason they're not renewing the lease.
That's what's in his head. What is more reasonable is apprently several months ago some bitchy tenant on a different floor accused Neil of subletting from the woman (they have told everyone they're dating and she is away in Europe for a while) and that she probably complained to the landlord (as people aren't allowed to sublet in that building apprently...I have no real idea. Neil tells me this ALL today) So the woman called and told him they're not letting her renew the lease, but she doesn't know 100% why. So he's feeling this immense guilt trip thinking about telling the woman that I was there for a little bit inbetween apartments. I told him to just play stupid until information is told to him. Also he started freaking out MORE because someone rang the buzzer, no one EVER does and someone came to the door, Neil didn't answer cause he just got that phone call. So in short his stress has moved to me, yadda yadda and I'm about to cry. So I'm trying to just figure out what to do, I'm gonna call Scott when I get home from school to ask about that room and then there's like two other possible things, but other than that I may have to move in less than a month and really that doesn't wear right on the soul.
I'm sitting in class thinking. OMG I need to find a place to move, I need to find time to move and I need to possibly do this in all of about 2-3 weeks. Therapy has to wait it seems and a nervous breakdown in on the edge. I'm in midterms, I've got papers due, I have work to go to, and all this other stuff. Now I need to move, I'm terrified of moving again and having what happens happens. Do you think you'd be able to help me rent a Uhaul when the time comes, there is a place right down the road. I don't want to hire movers again.
Craig
P.S. Did you ever find someone to tak the extra ticket to My Deah? I could have someone in mind. I know that's not really top priority but I was wondering.
I guess if anyone can help me out I would appreciate that, but it's just hope I'm living on.
I realized that this explains why I'm having the issues I'm having right now. A year ago I was in panic mode, the only thing I could think of was staying afloat, staying in the city. I didn't worry about the future, only making it to the next day.
This year being a little less hectic of course it's natural that I'm finding something to worry about that involves future plans. I shouldn't worry, yet I do. It's weird to have had the year I had last year. What's stranger is that marking this week means the year is done officially and these struggles officially become memory.
I am trying my best to keep my spirits up and all that other rut. It's funny that with the marking of this year ending. I look back and see so much that's changed, yet it all seems to little.
This also marks the official entrance of the GC into my life, him being absent for a bit while he was on a trip. Being grateful and helpful to give me a place to stay and help during the hard times. It's not difficult to see why I felt the way I did for him, with the kindness he gave to me. It's also somewhat ironic that he's really no longer in my life at all anymore. Yearly cycles truly are so strange, yet the patterns always prove to be the same.
And thus the caterpillar sheds it's cocoon and becomes a butterfly.
Tuesday, October 23
Trying to focus...
What would you like to do? How can such a simple question throw me completely for a loop. All day I've been feeling weird because early in the morning my Costume Design teacher asked me, "You're not a BFA are you?" My eyes opened wide and I answered, "No, I'm not." Then of course she follows that with, "Well, what would you like to do?" I handled myself well in practically ignoring the question.
It threw me off. Questions enter my head, I don't know what to do still. I have an idea. Yet, all the ideas always lead to the area of school. I have a grad school future planned. A possible grad school idea planned. Do I know how to live a normal life? A life without a school setting?
It's all a mystery, the idea I suppose would be to get a job in the theatrical world. I still have all of 2008 to figure it out. Yet, I don't know how to focus on anything. I can't focus on anything with the way I lead life. I work and school. I have friends who have worked on shows as designers and such. Yet, I never have. I haven't even done an internship. As we all know, it's not for trying!
Yet, I'll go to an adviser at school and they act like they can't help me. They're to concerned with their Grad Students. It infuriates me. I can't go on with this topic, it's drawing me into more depression than I'd like.
It threw me off. Questions enter my head, I don't know what to do still. I have an idea. Yet, all the ideas always lead to the area of school. I have a grad school future planned. A possible grad school idea planned. Do I know how to live a normal life? A life without a school setting?
It's all a mystery, the idea I suppose would be to get a job in the theatrical world. I still have all of 2008 to figure it out. Yet, I don't know how to focus on anything. I can't focus on anything with the way I lead life. I work and school. I have friends who have worked on shows as designers and such. Yet, I never have. I haven't even done an internship. As we all know, it's not for trying!
Yet, I'll go to an adviser at school and they act like they can't help me. They're to concerned with their Grad Students. It infuriates me. I can't go on with this topic, it's drawing me into more depression than I'd like.
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