Another Closing of Another Show

Oh daddy, that fatso! Then he flew out the window, dirtied the ground below...

The play is finished, I start back to the normal bump and grind. I'm in a slight fear though. I have a research paper due on the 20th for my English class. I don't know how I am going to write it, but I will. It's ridiculous this work I get and can't do. Can't do all in time, it keeps coming and coming. I am trying, this is due, that is due...It's all DUE!

I kissed the cat, my daddies dead. I'm feeling fat, my mommies thin. Daddy is a winner, but we all fall down.

I usually look forward to going back to work, yet I don't tomorrow. Not at all. Not in the least. In fact it makes me very upset I am going back. My mother said I should quit next year. I think I will quit next year. Not next year but soon, very soon. It's too much. I'd sooner have no job.

College days...My best of friends had married men, with brains and money!

I went to a show in Brooklyn tonight called Yank! A new Musical. Not as dirty as it sounds. In fact it was a brilliant little piece of theater. I hope there can be success for it. It was nice to have a new musical that was REALLY good. Not for show. Like certain movie musicals that run Broadway.

Then the crash, there I said it! No more cash no more credit!

It also reminded me that I am not happy. This is how the progression of my mind worked. Leaving the school show, going to a small theater, seeing all these older gay men from the theater world. It all came to me. I shouldn't tell people about my job and feel horribly upset about it. I just shouldn't! Yet, that's how it starts all the time. "I am a financial printer...it's awful...picture the most boring job in the world and take away the lunch break."

On Wall Street these men stood. Then they flew out the window, right on the neighborhood...

That's how it always starts and plainly I'm getting sick of it. I'm getting tired of the mundane nonstop work. With no perks. They don't even buy us pizza when we're slammed, instead they just work and work and work us. Expecting us to be content. How exactly does that work? I ask you? The only reason I haven't had it is because I only work there three days a week. Yet, if that's enough to drive me nuts. Then really how can I make it through the summer? Oh yes, summer classes/possible internship. It's gotten to the point if they let me go I would shrug. A simple job would truly be nice.

I was young and he was rich! He made his pitch and we got married.

China first and then the future. China first. You can make it through China, of course you can. Actually, New Orleans first, China next.

He read books and I wore furs. First there's smoke, doom is brewing we went broke...

I don't remember if I've actually ever mentioned that for Thanksgiving I am going to New Orleans with some of my good friends. I'll be there for five days. I will not worry about anything. I don't care what papers or such are due. I won't really touch them, I don't plan on it.

I want to work in theatre, I don't care how. But I do know with this job I can no longer pretend it's helping me achieve my goal. It's only keeping me back.

Then he flew, then...then he flew. Dammit he used the doorway, left me for someone new...

It's odd how my mind works. I wanted to write about how I took the bus to the theater today and ran into a guy who I was going to sleep with, but never have. He was on a date/hookup. Who knows. We said hello, we were on the bus together. It couldn't be avoided. In my mind though I wanted to say, "I'm going to put on my ipod now. I am glad you're so busy to hang out you can go home with this guy and have dinner and watch a movie." Though, I didn't. Instead I laughed and joked. I can say though I looked good in my new coat (that I stole, more on that later) and my scarf. So though deep down inside he had the upper hand with his date/hookup and I was going to the theater alone. I looked good...Yes, tell yourself that and you'll feel better...right?

My daddy, friend's husbands they at least used the window! Credit where credits due! I wish mine died, then I wear black. I'd eat my pride and say I shoved him! Holy Christ I think I loved him!

Notes on a Scandal

• Broadway is on Strike...this means two things for me, either the end of the world is coming or I need to get a new hobby for the time being. I am guessing the latter. Thank God I'm so sophisticated that I still have off, off-off, local and cabaret theater to attend. Like tonight, I'm seeing Yank! The Musical at the Gallery Players in Park Slope. In the words of Bea Arthur, "Nobody is gonna rain on my..."
• I am almost finished with my play. This is good news as the show stunk and was extremely boring. And the three leads were all divas. I mean they were nice and all, but when an actor gets on their thesis role, they change. Oh God do they change.
  
• I think I had sex with a serial killer. No more need be said, except that yes I have sort of returned to sex. And the inaugural performance was with a guy who couldn't look me in the eyes, yet was bold as anyone. He was very controlling, yet incredibly shy. He made small talk while sucking my cock. Look for my new book, "Now I survived a Serial Fucking."
  

Yes, I have returned. Here she is boys!

• I watched Contact, best musical of 1999. It was enjoyable and original, yet a little contrived. Wonderful to see though. I enjoyed the first and second part, the third had some good dances, but it dragged a little. Except Charlotte D'Amboise as the Wife...I'm still convinced either it was her choice or the character is supposed to be otherwise engaged.

I'm listening to Wicked right now, does that mean I'm depressed?

Worst Pies in London

And because Cleo Laine is freak to look at, but her voice is dandy...

The Survey I was meant to do...

Broadway Meme

1. Age: 22

2. Male or Female: Male

3. Favorite Broadway (or other) musical: Chess and Follies

4. Favorite Broadway (or other) straight play: A Streetcar Named Desire and The Night of the Iguana

5. Worst Broadway (or other) Musical: Mimi LeDuck (Off), The Kiss of the Spider Woman (Off-off) and The Times They Are A'Changin

6. Worst Broadway straight (or other) play: Prelude to a Kiss (Revival)

7. Favorite Musical movie: Gentlemen Prefer Blondes and Xanadu

8. Worst Musical movie: RENT

9. Favorite Cast Recording: This is difficult: Follies, Two Gentlemen of Verona and one of the MANY Chess recordings I have.

10. Worst Cast Recording: I listen to many musicals. There's not one I DON'T listen to. Even if it's bad.

11. Favorite Musical Theatre actress: Anita Morris and Patti LuPone and a touch of Judy Kuhn

12. Favorite Musical Theatre Actor: Michael Cerveris

13. Favorite Theatre Actor: Ian McKellan and Billy Crudup

14. Favorite Theatre Actress: Mary-Louise Parker and Jennifer Ehle

15. Favorite Solo Album by a Broadway star: Liza's CDs

16. Favorite composer/Lyricist: William Finn

17. Favorite Playwright: Tennessee Williams

18. Favorite Broadway song: Rose's Turn and A Call from the Vatican

19. Broadway shows you have seen more than once: Chita Rivera's The Dancer's Life and The Coast of Utopia

20. Role that you would love to play: The Man in the Chair (The Drowsy Chaperone) and Prior Walter (Angels in America)

Good Things Come To Those...

I would be in bed right now, I really would, but I'm waiting for the two William Finn shows that only an entry ago I mentioned and someone is gracefully giving me. I'm forever grateful! Thank you Robbie!

In other news, I signed up for my first therapy session this coming Tuesday. I made that big step and we shall see what happens with that one. Perhaps I'll work through these issues. Do I have issues you ask? I do have issues I suppose, but who doesn't?

Small Sidenote: The Royal Family of Broadway by William Finn is sort of Fabu. Carolee Carmello and Melissa Errico? Can it get better? Yes, Marcia Lewis is with us too.

This play is awful, but I'm getting good little pushes on my homework. I'm doing both wardrobe and calling cues. I'm every woman, it's all in me. And tomorrow morning I plan on running 4.25 miles at the gym.

How do you do it all Iguana? You ask, yet I can't answer. It's difficult to answer. Instead I may just speak randomly. Try and follow me shall you?

Something interesting happened to me this evening...This has never happened...yet it's possible. This is proof that I was once a good and considerate person:

12:27:39 AM Me: Katherine told me you were asking about me
12:27:40 AM Beka: i love how katherine just hooked us up lol
12:27:46 AM Me: how utterly sweet of you
12:27:50 AM Me: no one has ever asked about me
12:28:02 AM Beka: well mark me down as the first :-D
12:28:12 AM Beka: ok but heres why:
12:28:20 AM Me: please do tell
12:28:36 AM Beka: i was thinking today of burnt hills and remembered all the wonderful emails you sent me in 9th grade
12:28:47 AM Beka: even though my parents were crazy and screened everything
12:28:58 AM Me: Oh my goodness
12:29:01 AM Beka: and how you took me under your wing in our theater class
12:29:04 AM Me: that was ages ago
12:29:11 AM Beka: and i was like oh my goodness, craig is a good man
12:29:20 AM Beka: because i was the sheltered little homeschooled girl
12:29:25 AM Me: I can't believe you remember that, cause I barely do
12:29:30 AM Beka: and you saved me from sinking into oblivion
12:29:30 AM Me: Do you still have the emails
12:29:35 AM Me: I did?
12:29:45 AM Beka: um yes
12:29:53 AM Beka: because id go right to class after homeroom
12:29:56 AM Beka: (loser)
12:30:04 AM Beka: and you told me i had to go walk around with you
12:30:06 AM Beka: and i did
12:30:18 AM Beka: therefore saving me from loser status forever and ever
12:30:24 AM Me: awww
12:30:29 AM Me: I wasn't even popular haha
12:30:45 AM Me: is it possible I could read some of these emails cause I want to remember better
12:30:54 AM Me: my email is ________@_____.com
12:31:17 AM Beka: definitely, i have them on my computer at home so i can send them over thanksgiving break

Yea, it's true! The story goes like this. In my Freshman year of High School I took intro to theater and this girl entered named Beka who spent her entire childhood being home schooled and had no friends. I introduced her to the right people and she soon became one of the most popular girls in my school...well not my school, but my social circle.

I can't believe I did that. Who was that boy? I am still in shock it was me. I was once kind an understanding? Now I scramble for affection and friendship like I'm some kind of parasite.

Well I don't do that necessarily, but things have surely changed. What happened to that boy who I barely remember. I'm curious to reread these emails I sent. I can't remember them for the life of me. Expect to see them after Thanksgiving!

Quick Bed Time Note:

Sleep well moon. Sleep well.

The school play has started and I am not working for the weekend. I'm trying to get ahead of homework, yet it keeps building...

I keep having to take deep breaths, to help calm my mind. Last night, I saw Make Me A Song. It's a William Finn musical revue. All a person needs to do is sit through these 90 minutes and you can understand why shows like Legally Blonde and Wicked are pure waste. William Finn has written some of the most amazing songs I have ever heard.

I'll never forget the day I first hear March of the Falsettos and learned later that it was a trilogy and it became a quest to get all three. I did and I listened to it for years, it changed my life. It was (and still is) amazing. The performers in this show all have amazing voices and great personalities. It's really great! It made my night.

A New Brain
March of the Falsettos
In Trousers
Falsettoland
Ellegies: A Song Cycle
The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee
Infinite Joy

All terrific shows that should be heard if you even consider yourself a theatre fan. I'm still waiting for the day when Romance in Hard Times (or America Kicks Up It's Heels) will fall into my lap. The day will come, I am sure. Life has weird ways of working.

Despite the happiness of this rant. I've been doing so-so. Trying to keep it all under control. I skipped the gym this morning. So I am off to sleep to not skip the gym tomorrow. My friends told me their New Years Eve plans and I am horribly jealous. Then again I am content that I will be in China for New Years, yet it won't be anything special there.

As the days get closer, I grow more and more terrified of the trip itself. It's like a door I've always wanted to open. After I open it I can never close it again. Oh goodness...One day at a time, Iguana, one day. That's the best you can do.

Rethinking the Situation

I was hanging out with someone last night. It's very difficult to hang out with someone who is only a year or so older than you. To hear about their terrific life and all that. The high paying job they have, how lucky they were with their career path. How they can afford 1000 a month on an apartment. They've traveled the world. Etc. They have themselves put together pretty well.

It's also more difficult hearing these things while high. I get slightly paranoid and more quiet than normal. So I probably seemed like an even bigger Hot Mess. I sometimes meet people when I'm high (as I am won to do) that I can't tell if it's just my mind, mixed with the paranoia, or factual that they get VERY angry. Like they have these moments of aggressive behavior mixed with unnecessary angry they they can normally hide when sober, but it sneaks out when their attention it less focused.

So things like me telling this guy about my job, that I am not longer enjoying. Yet I stay there because, A. I am close to the boss and I know we're short on people and I don't want to quit for no apparently reason. As I can't really look for another job now, since I'm going to China in a month and I have classes still. and B. That I am still in school and this is not a job I plan on sticking at, I know someday I'll leave it. Chances are, sooner than later.

Instead of understanding, he lets out this angry comment to me about, "It's not worth staying there when you're wasting your potential and you are compromising your talent!" In a normal moment I would defend this...At this spacey moment I took it in silence. As I sometimes do.

This goes back to my fears from the other day. You know, not sure what I can do right now...

I just hope to be as famous and fabulous as her someday...

Warning, this is almost TO FUNNY. You may die of laughter:

Seeing the Family

The other day I had a revelation about my life. At first it hit me as just a small note, then as the days have passed it's made me a little unsure about life.

I was thinking how there is two ways of acting: Character or Method. I don't like acting (especially in college) because I find Method Acting bizarre. I like to play for laughs and I play to an audience. Method doesn't do that. I digress...

I realized today that I think I can't even methodically live LIFE. At first this thought made me laugh. Then I realized I somewhat do. I only feel comfortable when I'm telling a story and not talking about myself.

I can't be honest about serious facts about myself, just certain things. This causes me to get shy or awkward or mumble when I speak about myself. Yet I can feel really comfortable telling a story about anything else if I know it'll get laughs.

This is something that now slightly scares me. I need to pay more attention to this and work on it, well at least realize it for the issue that it is.

I need to confront it and change it. It's something that must change I feel...

Sometimes I love the wrong things...

Other than I will be going to therapy soon probably to sort out these weird issues...this made me laugh hysterically for all the wrong reasons...

Something that's not happened in a while...

As usual, before I get underway. I wish to express some issues of life, to be serious for a moment. That's much different from the normal jive I spin out on here. However, before I get underway, one quick musical tidbit...

I Can Get It For You Wholesale's orchestrations really reminds me of West Side Story's. Which is ridiculously absurd. I listen and I am oddly remind of it. Moving along...

School, school, school. It's been causing insomnia and doubts in life. 2008 is approaching and I'm still trying to figure out what it's all about. It's been four years since this "journey" began and I'm none the more clearer. Ideally, I would like to go into something along the lines of Dramaturgy/Archivist or Casting. I know the former probably sounds boring, but to me I find it incredibly fascinating. I get a bootleg of Sideshow and I feel like I've just received a new pair of Diesel shoes. Casting, I've been doing casting for the movie and I just like that idea.

In short, I would love to work in the New Public Library in the archives or something like that. Or cast for shows. The difficult part is I'm not all that "nerdy" for Dramaturgy. And they don't exactly have a Casting major. Thought 1 finished.

Next would be my ultimate spiral down Spinster-dom. I know at 22, I can't REALLY say I'm becoming a Spinster, I mean I was once a slut, right? So how does that happen so suddenly. Yet, why do I feel no attraction to anything anymore (I mean sexually)? Why have I gone on some dates and just think, this won't work about five minutes into the date.

I feel more solace alone or with good friends where there is no chance of anything happening. I no longer feel the need for sex at this moment in my life. Even if I pretend I'm horny, I don't feel like making the time for it at all.

Ever have a moment when people all have this idea, and you know it sounds easier than the ideas you do. Yet you can't conform. Like the idea of having sex with a guy openly, where there's nothing exclusive. It makes all the sense in the world to me.

I'm a generation raised on false hopes that there's a perfect person for you out there. I was raised on these beliefs. Yet, it all seems to just FALSE. People meet they date and build lives together. Then one day they get bored and disaster strikes and they have to rebuild. That's how it really works, right?

No one will see me and want to date me. I'm too specific for this whole system. Yet, someone to smile my way is a nice feeling. I think it's time I reread The Night of the Iguana again. There is nothing wrong at all with being celibate, or choosing to be that way.

I just fear that the feelings I'm feeling about sexuality right now aren't permanent. I wish I could know what went wrong in the last year that I suddenly just changed? It's perplexing to me, I have ideas, yet I'm not ready to discuss them. This is where therapy would help, but I can't afford that. So into the blog it goes.