Something that's not happened in a while...

As usual, before I get underway. I wish to express some issues of life, to be serious for a moment. That's much different from the normal jive I spin out on here. However, before I get underway, one quick musical tidbit...

I Can Get It For You Wholesale's orchestrations really reminds me of West Side Story's. Which is ridiculously absurd. I listen and I am oddly remind of it. Moving along...

School, school, school. It's been causing insomnia and doubts in life. 2008 is approaching and I'm still trying to figure out what it's all about. It's been four years since this "journey" began and I'm none the more clearer. Ideally, I would like to go into something along the lines of Dramaturgy/Archivist or Casting. I know the former probably sounds boring, but to me I find it incredibly fascinating. I get a bootleg of Sideshow and I feel like I've just received a new pair of Diesel shoes. Casting, I've been doing casting for the movie and I just like that idea.

In short, I would love to work in the New Public Library in the archives or something like that. Or cast for shows. The difficult part is I'm not all that "nerdy" for Dramaturgy. And they don't exactly have a Casting major. Thought 1 finished.

Next would be my ultimate spiral down Spinster-dom. I know at 22, I can't REALLY say I'm becoming a Spinster, I mean I was once a slut, right? So how does that happen so suddenly. Yet, why do I feel no attraction to anything anymore (I mean sexually)? Why have I gone on some dates and just think, this won't work about five minutes into the date.

I feel more solace alone or with good friends where there is no chance of anything happening. I no longer feel the need for sex at this moment in my life. Even if I pretend I'm horny, I don't feel like making the time for it at all.

Ever have a moment when people all have this idea, and you know it sounds easier than the ideas you do. Yet you can't conform. Like the idea of having sex with a guy openly, where there's nothing exclusive. It makes all the sense in the world to me.

I'm a generation raised on false hopes that there's a perfect person for you out there. I was raised on these beliefs. Yet, it all seems to just FALSE. People meet they date and build lives together. Then one day they get bored and disaster strikes and they have to rebuild. That's how it really works, right?

No one will see me and want to date me. I'm too specific for this whole system. Yet, someone to smile my way is a nice feeling. I think it's time I reread The Night of the Iguana again. There is nothing wrong at all with being celibate, or choosing to be that way.

I just fear that the feelings I'm feeling about sexuality right now aren't permanent. I wish I could know what went wrong in the last year that I suddenly just changed? It's perplexing to me, I have ideas, yet I'm not ready to discuss them. This is where therapy would help, but I can't afford that. So into the blog it goes.