Who's to blame?

So the quick ballad of the Artist is complete. He was a very nice guy, we clicked in an odd way. We hung out a lot in the last two weeks. He wished to create a connection and for some reason deep down inside I cannot. One a social level we clicked, but in the bedroom we were good. Yet I felt a pulling.

Finally last night we messed around and there were two things that didn't sit well with me. First was that he told me originally that he was going to wait two weeks before doing anything sexually, just cause he didn't want to fuck it up. I respected this determination and then last night it was broken. Then he wanted me to spend the night, very romantic right? For some reason I just couldn't.

I've grown so accustomed it seems to my own schedule and loneliness that I don't feel like spending the night when I know I have chores to do the next day. Plus I don't know if I'm exactly looking for a relationship right now. I'm going to China, it's a month and things can last for a month, but I don't necessarily want excess feelings.

I don't know what I want. I feel this is more my own fault that The Artist's though. This has happened several times before it seems. People start to care and I just don't. I don't feel sexually driven towards them. This is where my true insanity tends to shine. The moment he started discussing possible relationship ideas with me, how we click and he could see something working. In my mind something clicked as well. This isn't a good habit to have, yet it's happened before.

Also I can't help but feel the psychic from New Orleans was RIGHT again. When we were talking he said (I felt this was random too) the man you will have sex with will tell you he's versatile, but he's lying. Now it seems odd, but I thought he was referring to the Tall Man, but I feel he was making a note about The Artist. He advised me against thinking it was okay. I don't know I'm probably now making excuses to help me get through.

Alas, last night I lost all feeling for anything towards The Artist it seems. I need to work on this more, at least address it to my Therapist (I won't be seeing her until I get back from China though).

And the beat goes on...

Can you show her where we keep the euphemism

Stress, stress, stress. La Dee Da!

Papers and pillows to make. China to visit, yet try to keep off my mind because I'll psyche myself out. Artists planning our futures together, when I'm not sure I'd like it that way. Yet, retaining sex in fear of "fucking things up." Christmas to go home to. Family to see. Random party to hold. Sweeney Todd to see before I fly to China, literally before.

Beckett to read by choice. Yes. I said Beckett's NOVELS to read by choice. Am I intentionally making myself stressed? The answer is yes/no. I haven't been to a show in a while, which adds to the stress. This week though, there will be Kiki & Herb: The Second Coming at Carnegie Hall and The Homecoming at the Court Theater. That will be my final show before I go to China.

Deep breath, breathe deep.

I've recently read Albee's Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? Wow. The show pulverized me. I'm currently obsessing as usual, I am in the middle of watching the 2004 revival. The movie will be next. I plan on researching a touch to find out more. Albee has his hold on me. It could be worse.

Break in between things...

I'm resting my brain...not even like I'm doing that much. I've just lost the knack for staying focused. This weekend besides drugs, I also saw The Golden Compass...I didn't think it was all that bad. Granted I do agree that it could have been 100000 times better. So I guess that means I didn't like it. They handed you too much and never let you guess what was going to happen next. As well as the fact they withheld the original ending. Which is bullshit. At the end of Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring, that hardly had a happy ending, but because we knew that there were two other books to come.

This would be the same idea. Yet, we had to give it a promising and happy ending for the people who haven't read the books. Well I hope you're happy Chris Weitz for compromising your artistic integrity. Sure, opening weekend will be terrific, but why would you want to see it after the lame reviews it's been getting? I would love to see the other two on screen, but after this I feel nervous to trust Mr. Weitz in making these movies. He may need to be stopped.

I thought Nicole Kidman really did well as Mrs. Coulter.

Otherwise, I went on date number two with this new guy. I will call him The Artist. The Artist is actually only 25, which means we are only 3 years apart. He's one odd duck and for that I feel comfortable in his presence. Actually as I write this he is coming to my place now to be a distraction. I'm surprised but happy by that....I am going to stop writing now since I have to work on homework until he arrives.

Xanadu

Xanadu has once again played an important moment in my life.

I did 'shrooms for the first time with some friends while we "watched" Xanadu. By watch I mean we laid and looked at the light refracting off the silver metal in a bowl on the ceiling.

I am recording this for purely memorable purposes. So if you don't find this funny or it seems ridiculous then ignore. But it was very crazy. With each ELO song we had these mini adventures that kept coming.

In the light I saw God...well it took a while for him to come. He did show up though. It was very strange to be in the presence of God, mainly because I didn't have anything planned to say. So we just chatted for a little while. I began to cry a little, but let the emotions happen.

God kept shifting in an out of the form of the Virgin Mary. Once again, very awkward. Yet, I felt more comfortable with Mary than with God. I am drawn to the female figures of life, so it only seems appropriate.

Then one of the friends went to the bathroom and in my body, I began to scream. Well it was a laugh that eventually became a loud scream. Which suddenly became my purging of all the anger out of my body. Which became more of a braying than my screaming.

I returned to see God and realized that he was actually Lawrence Oliver. So I began to start shouting out Lawrence's name for a long while. At one point I did have a stare down with God. I think I won though, cause his eye did waver. In return for my conquest he gave me the gift to feel light and time. I began bending it with my hands. I felt the strings of light in the atmosphere. It was a very silky feeling (go figure).

While this was happening my friend developed a love affair with my ear. Just my ear. Not me, my ear. It was okay with me.

Then I began to sink into the floor a little. I was falling and screaming for some time. I didn't want to be lost. The light returned and I was content again.

So, yea. Xanadu.

Lets see Rufus Do this...

I would LOVE to see Rufus pull this one off...




Judy is keeping me sane during finals...

Another Night Alone...

So after listening to Rufus Does Judy, the travesty remake of Judy Garland's Legendary Carnegie Hall Concert...I don't even know why I ever feared Rufus was trying to "outdo" Ms. Garland in the first place? It's enjoyable as an ode...a mediocre ode in my opinion. He gets some songs down well and the others he misses.

I listened to a bootleg version of The Little Mermaid (I tell you today has NOT been a good musical day). I do still want to see the show, but it was boring from what is sounded like. Ursula was good, Sherie really captured the Campy Octopus. As a gay man I must love the overly campy parts...I just must!

Lastly, I listened to a full record of BARE: A Pop Opera. And I ask you, REALLY? Really? It's decent, but so strangely upsetting and over the top. Not even all that enjoyable. Everyone seems to be a horrible archetype of what I wouldn't want to be. And then the gay guy dies? Since I don't know the story...he kills himself? What I love most is that they're putting on a musical version of Romeo and Juliet. Which is supposed to reflect the gay couples nature. And there's the Sista Nun...who is a nun...but sassy enough to help out the homos.

It was too much to take at some points. And the whole bonding while at a Rave. Oh that was priceless.

I left work today, not having done any work for school and listened to these three shows and feeling utterly exhausted. I need to listen to something good tomorrow. I really need to focus on finals, and yet I can't. Does that mean I'm becoming an adult.

I did register for classes to much success. I'm on my way...I truly am...

[Title of Show] Show Ep. 6

1:22:49 AM Friend: i feel like bedtime stories should have happy endings

1:22:53 AM Friend: and maybe some element of magic

1:23:07 AM EccentricIguana: Okay here's a good one that relates to me and you and yesterday

1:23:11 AM Friend: k

1:23:21 AM EccentricIguana: It's got a justifiable ending. Not necessarily happy...

1:23:58 AM EccentricIguana: Last year, as I was working on The Comedy of Errors at my school as a Dresser I walked by a guy who was in the same building as me

1:24:27 AM EccentricIguana: We smiled at each other and for the first time in my life I'd smiled at another guy and could tell he was openly flirting with me with his eyes

1:24:33 AM EccentricIguana: not that casual look

1:24:40 AM EccentricIguana: like is he checking me out or not

1:24:44 AM EccentricIguana: It was full on

1:25:11 AM EccentricIguana: I said hello in my awkward way and we both laughed nervous. I found out he was a music major studying the Viola

1:25:24 AM EccentricIguana: I told him I had to go work on my play and perhaps I'd see him around

1:25:52 AM EccentricIguana: Low and behold I found out he had herhersals in the next theater over and while I was dressing the actors he came and said hello

1:26:39 AM EccentricIguana: We talked, I nervous as I often am and him too. We chatted and I learned he was a Violist and I was a dresser...not an actor...My friend working with me was in love with the idea I met someone.

1:27:24 AM EccentricIguana: The next day in a class in the same building I was telling people this funny story of my new "boyfriend" as I jokingly called him (it was a small class of about 6 people and we are all close as classmates can be, I often told stories to entertain them).

1:27:35 AM EccentricIguana: I told them how I kept bumping into this kid and it must be fate

1:28:07 AM EccentricIguana: And about 20 minutes after this story he somehow found my
class and popped his head in to say hello everyone laugh and I was immidately smitten

1:28:53 AM EccentricIguana: The fflirting went on as the weeks continue until the last day of my show and the last day of his as well. He lives in Prospect Heights and was telling me about his dogs and I said I would like to meet these dogs.

1:29:11 AM EccentricIguana: This is before I lived here...keep that in mind. I'd literally just looked at my apartment

1:29:18 AM EccentricIguana: So anyway....

1:30:13 AM EccentricIguana: I met up and met his two adorable dogs, one of which had lost it's leg to Cancer and was the bravest dog I'd ever seen. We chatted, I found out he was older and owned his apartment. Me being in my sad state at the time felt jealous, but didn't necessarily mind

1:30:27 AM EccentricIguana: we went to dinner and chatted more. Then came my fatal mistake

1:30:49 AM Friend: haha

1:31:30 AM EccentricIguana: We sat down and talked at his apartment after dinner. This is why I was nervous to tell you my story because especially at this time I was in the height of it all. It was all on the edge of ending and he asked why my year could've been so bad...and like a damn overflowing I spilled everything

1:32:08 AM EccentricIguana: As I spoke I kept thinking, "You're a fool telling him this...stop talking..." Chelsea, scabies, staph infection, all of it came out. Smiling the whole while.

1:33:08 AM EccentricIguana: I could tell he was shocked and I felt absolutely defeated by the end (as I did a little yesterday) and decided it was time to go my way and say goodbye. He walked me to the door and I went to give him a hug. to my utter surprise he pulled me in and proceeded to kiss me passionately on the lips

1:33:35 AM EccentricIguana: I pulled away sort of confused, but totally loving what happened, as he pulled me in for another kiss

1:34:02 AM EccentricIguana: A coy smile and a soft goodbye from him I walked away from his door floating...I even got on the train but it was going the wrong way...

1:34:16 AM EccentricIguana: The story should end here, it's almost done, but it doesn't

1:34:44 AM Friend: : )

1:35:04 AM EccentricIguana: He never spoke to me again. A common trait that has happened to me many times in my life. Something I really don't enjoy, but it happens always at the right time to remind you that people will do this sort of thing

1:35:51 AM EccentricIguana: I called him a couple of times and left a couple of voicemails and decided it must've been what I originally thought. My insanity was too much, and he probably just wanted the kiss to at least know what it was like, but not have to commit to anything REALLY.

1:36:35 AM EccentricIguana: For months, the entire summer I was upset about it. Why would he do such a thing? Kiss me so passionately and never return a call. I didn't even initiate the kiss, he did!

1:36:43 AM Friend: right!

1:36:51 AM Friend: so confusing : (

1:36:59 AM EccentricIguana: Low and behold I move to his neighborhood, right down the street from where we went to dinner

1:38:07 AM EccentricIguana: I saw my friend who was in love with the whole event after the summewr and told her what happened, I ended with, "I just want to know...I just want to ask him...what did I do. I'd like to know for future reference. I am holding out for when I see him on the subway." She told me that's not likely to happen...I said you're right and put it away in my mind...

1:38:19 AM EccentricIguana: Epilogue: Last Tuesday

1:38:50 AM EccentricIguana: I was coming home from school after my China Orientation, just
having arrived back from New Orleans only a few hours earlier

1:40:16 AM EccentricIguana: I was getting off the Subway and I see the boy. I swallow my nervousness and call out his name. He turns and smiles, I smile to him and say hello. How have you been? That usual answer of busy. Oh so have I, I'm going to China soon...and without missing a beat I asked him, "What happened? Why didn't you ever call me back?"

1:41:48 AM EccentricIguana: I was surprised with my own forwardness. Something I'm not really that known to do, voice my feelings like that....He said he got busy and wasn't man enough to call and let me know. I replied with, "It's okay if you think I'm crazy. I just wanna know if I scared you away with that story. I kicked myself afterwards. That was a lot that you didn't need to know." I basically rambled, but it was what I needed to say.

1:42:10 AM EccentricIguana: I have no doubt in my mind I'll never hear from him again. But that confortation was one of the proudest moments of my life...

1:43:12 AM EccentricIguana: I know that I'm changing because I was able to do something like that, years ago I would've said hello and pretended that nothing happened and hoped we'd reconnect. I know I'm changing because of this little encounter. And for that I'm sort of glad.

1:43:14 AM EccentricIguana: The End

1:43:53 AM Friend: craig

1:44:06 AM EccentricIguana: yea

1:44:27 AM Friend: give me your forehead

1:44:39 AM EccentricIguana: huh?

1:44:53 AM EccentricIguana: what do you want to do with it?

1:45:00 AM Friend: i'm going to kiss it goodnight

The Text of New Orleans Part II

Day 3:

After stumbling home at about 3 am and surprisingly not dying. I died a little on the inside. I awoke the next morning and threw up. This is a theme that would continue through the whole day. I believe that someone had placed a Voodoo Curse on me that night. Much like The Curse of Monkey Island...which someone made into a live stage show...What?! Yet, the writing for that show was really intelligent so I can see how it translated. I digress.

The pattern of my day was: Move, puke, move puke, drink water, puke, move, puke, etc.

We went to this amazing restaurant/bar called Coop's Place. Sleazy as hell looking, but the food was great. We even saw a big cockroach crawling on the wall later in the trip. Yet, we ate there like 3/4 times. I kept moving somehow, it was amazing I should have been in bed. I didn't want to waste a day.

We went on a bus trip to the Swamps of New Orleans. I almost puked while riding across Lake Pontchartrain, it was very Marie Christine. I kept it in. While we drove we saw the effect of Hurricane Katrina on the rest of New Orleans. It was rather depressing, I feel as though they need to start from scratch almost. The city was already poor enough. Too bad we're too focused on a War to REALLY care.

The swamp tour was surreal. We had a choice of a covered boat or a topless one. It was cold and most people chose the covered boat, my group and a English couple choose the topless boat with was controlled by Captain Ted. If you've watched the movies I posted, you'll know why this trip was so memorable. Somehow Captain Ted held back my puking the entire trip.

We returned to New Orleans where I proceeded to get sick again and fall down and sleep and puke every two hours.

Day 4:

I woke up and felt much better. I got a start on my day by eating Beingets and all the other food I missed the day before. I then went to my little local theater production of Purlie. Waiting for Guffman can not define the horribleness this was! Not horrible actually, but just really amateur in the best way possible. The spotlight kept missing the person it was one. The acting was childish. The band was completely wrong. And the lead actor couldn't sing OR act. His actor bio proudly stated he'd been acting for 10 years, but never on a stage. I can assure you it showed completely.

It was NOTHING like this.

I left after the first act, for it was enough to satisfy my curiousity. I wish I'd held out for Hot Flashes the Musical Revue they were also performing.

I returned to the Hotel and met up with my friends who had gone to the Garden District. I missed out on that, but it was worth it. We decided to go on the town again. Another Magical Cookie and we were off. We had Oysters and fried Crawfish at ACME. I ate so many ice cubes. you can see it in that movie I posted. So many ice cubes.

We went walked around, searching for live music and found a rock bar, where I hear some amazing Improv Rock and lost myself in the music. It was truly magical.

This Gets Me in the Holiday Season