I am Thankful for...

• My wonderful friends (Eric and all the Jeff's I've met) who I am going to New Orleans with. Making me laugh and understanding my eccentricities. No matter how unique they may be.
• My roommate, who has allowed me to feel comfortable in my living situation for the first time in 2.5 years. It's been a nice feeling to have her always close by, I hope she feels the same way.
• My Ex-Husband, no matter who else he dates or if he withholds information from me. He will always have a special place in my heart and soul.
  
• K, the lady who is twice my age, but loves me for me. As I love her for her.
  
• My Florida Lover, who keeps me entertained for hours.
  
• My Australian connection. His wisdom and smarts make me smile. His comments I always take to heart. He is a beacon of positive energy and I know whenever I am down. He will send a wonderful comment my way.
  
• Jim, who lives across the country, but showed me that caring can cross these lands without any trouble.
  
• Anita Morris. Patti LuPone. Judy Garland. Liza Minnelli. Betty Buckley. Barbara Cook. All those Diva's who's voices that have entertained my ears everyday for years.
• My strength and determination. Though sometimes I am the Maid of Constant Sorrow on here. I am in a place I haven't been before, it's a good place.
• My family who is supportive and will always love me. No matter how much of a Wayward Prince I may be to them. To my mother, father, brother and sister. I love them all, even if I don't show it all the time.
  

Thank you all, Happy Thanksgiving.

Harvey Milk Lives

Harvey Milk Lives

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Snakes, Speedos and Sexuality

Tonight I snaked the toilet! For fun I wore my Red Speedo. I was feeling sexy. Not to mention the absurdity of playing around in toilet water while wearing this:

Pose much? Actually, I always stand this way.

It all seems very strange, right? But, why not put on your bathing trunks when you're about to go swimming? Oh if I could have taken a picture with the Yellow Rubber Gloves!

Now this leads me to my next point. As far as my body goes, I do believe I am in the prime of my life. I am very proud of my body, for the first time in a while. It makes me happy that when I lift my arms, abs are visible. You have to understand 4 to 6 years ago the idea of abs were a legend that I would talk about with people over firesides.

Sit back and listen as I tell you a tale. Horses that have horns are called Unicorns. Men who have goat legs are called Satyrs. People born with Abs are called Abnormals!

It was the only way I could deal with the idea that people are just BORN with 6-pack Abs. They can eat as much as they want and never lose them. Now I sort of have them [really only when I lift my arms or in the right lighting] and I'm happy with that. It's not that I don't run and lift weights at the gym. I do! So excuse me while I brag for a moment...

Bragabsbragabragsbabsbragbragbragarbabs

Okay, I'm done gloating. It's also ironic in this time. The prime of my life. I have decided to withhold my body from the touch of others. As much as looks shouldn't matter in dating and love, in the cruel reality, they do. We all want people who turn us on sexually.

The Tall Man was in great shape, but there was one night he showed me pictures of himself, when he was fatter [because you show fuckbuddies who you have no feelings for embarassing pictures of yourself when you were huge. Right? That's what I've come to understand.] So his body reflected this when examined up close. Stretchmarks, but a very flat stomach. His pectorals were well defined, but if uncared for could easily turn into man bosoms. I loved his body, more than anyone else I've met in my life [to date]. I felt hot when I was with him, because I thought his body was perfect. It obviously wasn't the textbook definition of "Hot". The abs were absent and the muscles on the body were not always all that well-defined.

When we fucked though, you could feel all the muscles working.

When I lost him, I think I mourned the loss of his body most of all. That's not that bad of a discovery. I didn't love him, I loved his body. His personality obviously needs some major improvement, though it was a decent personality, it was still a Gay New York Males Personality.

When the going gets tough, the tough calls you on the phone and feeds you bullshit.

I allowed myself to get lost for a moment. Excuse me. Yet, the outcome of that memory dive was a positive one. Positivity. A reoccurring theme this year.

Lastly, and I know you were thinking this the entire time reading. Yes, I did shower after I snaked the toilet.

Miss Otis Regrets...

So much to not say. So little not to do. Where doth the time fly?

New Orleans, this Thursday. Back on the plane, this time heading towards the gorgeous South! Land of Plastic beads and Tennessee Williams! Oh, perhaps I should reread some 10? I sometimes long for him, I long from that time when I first read his words and felt whole new worlds opening. Beautiful and tragic. The Kingdom of Heaven does not come at an easy price!

Today has been a day of no work. Shame, shame, shame. I did discover Patti LaBelle's version of Miss Otis Regrets that has sent me giggling like a 14-year-old school girl every time I start it! You need to hear it to believe it! She turns it into a harrowing tale.

When she woke up and found that her dream of love was...GOOOOONNNNNE! Madame! She ran, she ran to the man! Who lead her astray!

And from under a black velvet gown! She drew a gun and SHOT her love down...Madame!

Miss Otis Regrets! She's unable, unable, UNABLE! To lunch...TODAY!

When the mob came and got her! And dragged her from the jail! MADAME! They strung her up! Up! UP! On the Willow across the way!

Tonight a boy I have befriended has revealed that he has feelings for me. It was straight-forward and to the point. I appreciated that, and felt warmly happy inside. I responded with, "I am all types of unstable right now. Just be my friend for now." He's young and naive and I feel that if I touched his body it would melt like a freshly fallen snowflake.

I want him to be in my life. As a friend for now. I don't know how I feel about him, but I like his friendship. That's what's important, right? To value the friendships you have before anything else. Perhaps someday I'll be able to feel that same way in return. Of course, then it will be to late and I'll realize how "Julia Roberts" my life has become.

Lastly, I leave you with various pictures of Jennifer Holliday making weird faces at the Tony Awards:

The one that got her the Tony Award:

Miss Otis regrets, she's unable to lunch today.

Making Dinner Tonight

So much is changing so quickly. We now have a digital Cable box Converter. Which means that for the first time in years, I can watch TV. Right now, I have PBS on and Wishbone is playing. Wishbone! I get upset that PBS's connection is a little looser than the others. It's PBS, what can I say. Heh, loose.

Oh, and there's the Traffic Channel! A Channel that plays security cameras from various intersections. Amazing! I haven't seen a commercial in so many years, some of them hurt my brain. Or the Christian Channel! Now that one is a pisser! A lady dressed all in sequins plays the organ. Or the old man, who I am convinced is GOD, discusses the bible, "The best book that's been around for over 2000 years."

I built a coffee table out of beechwood and spit. It was quite and accomplishment and came out looking like this:

It's all those years I spent building with Legos. Look at that, I have material possessions. I have revenue! Oh, good I can go bankrupt like all the rest.

I enjoy putting things together, not necessarily building them from scratch. That's where my faults lie, and it seems to be the theme of this semester. I knew taking two classes that are about scene stuff would just destroy me. I'll get through it, worry not, I am sure I'll get through it.

I am going to New Orleans next week. I'll bring my laptop, but I'm not sure about Internet connection. I'm going there poor, but I'll not let it worry me to much. I have a little amount set back. Just means no souvenirs for anyone, a couple small things for myself and just money on food and drink.

Homework was the theme of the day, and that's what I did. Nothing exciting!

OH! Yes, the good news. There must be some good news, shouldn't there?

I have a chance to get some experience in wardrobe. It's not paid, but they will feed me! That's decent work and it's experience outside of college. So we'll see, it's networking and such. Let's work it you. This is why you're here!

I have to much homework, but I'll get it done. I think I will, maybe I won't. Maybe this is where I stop and fail? I hope not. I keep thinking about the future, what's going to become of Iguana? It's like a cry in the darkness really. No one cares to answer the cry though.

My friend has two different guys he's going back and forth between. While I am incredibly jealous, I am also very happy that he has that to worry about. Not other issues like health or moving or loneliness. I'm happy for him. I wouldn't mind just one guy giving me problems with my love life, we'll get there.

I'm making dinner for K tonight, she's back from San Francisco. Oh joy, oh rapture!

Edit: The dinner was very successful! I cooked a full mean successfully!

Right There, In Front of Me

I was waiting on the train. Worrying a little about life. Reading On The Road and listening to The Fantasticks. There was a woman next to me, she seemed to be practicing dance moves while listening to her iPod.

The novel by Jack Kerouac is amazing. It's much better than I ever gave it credit. I wish it were still possible to bum around the country. To hitchhike. To see America. To live off 50 bucks, realistically.

I was listening to Much More from The Fantasticks and thinking about how crazy the girl is. How crazy I am. How crazy life is...

Then I noticed a small puddle coming towards my feet. My eyes quickly followed the fast forming steam to it's source. In between the woman's legs. I've never seen a person unwillingly give into the demand to urinate. I have had close calls in life, when I drink a touch more than necessary. I have pee'd on subway platforms, alone, but that's more information than anyone needs to know.

I looked at her face, since I'm perverted that way. It was a cross between humiliation and relief, which caused my heart to reach out to her. I moved away from her, I felt guilty. I couldn't pretend pee wasn't about to make close realtions with my shoe. I left her there, as subtly as I could. The relief quickly disappeared and shame was left. People began to notice something was off. As she left the subway at the next stop, hanging her head. She started to walk towards the way I moved in the subway. Without warning she did a U-Turn. She was ashamed of me fleeing, I just know it.

I felt bad for her, and hope not to many people noticed. Wherever you are, whomever you are, you should really get that checked out.

To Anyone Who Has Gone To College

To Anyone Who Has Gone To College:

What the fuck? I start off by asking you a simple and plain statement. What the fuck? I was led to believe that college would be the carefree years of my life. That I wouldn't have to worry about real issues until I had graduated. Whoever told me, told us, these things, lied.

Perhaps it's because I went to school in New York City. I exposed myself to soon, I became to involved. Whenever, I sit back and think about my life, it's a wonder to even myself how I did it. I didn't get four years in the middle of nowhere. It's just been on continuous journey. The friends I have now, I will not lose once I graduate. I will be in the same place I am once I graduate. I will need to find a job and see what happens from there.

There was only two years of dorm life, and two years of unadjusted "real life" living. I still get motion sickness when I think about those days. In June, there will be no packing up. There won't be any graduation parties or Senior Formals. It'll be working for a diploma and a continuation of a program already in process.

So I ask you, I ask you people who have gone to college. What the fuck? I am told all the time, "Stay in school! Stay as long as you can!"

Seriously? For real? I can't even get a loan to live comfortably. Perhaps when you went to school in the mid-90s, when they were giving out loans left and right, yes it was an easy life! I want to work with my wardrobe shop, but my college has deemed that I cant' do that by not allowing me the proper loans, because my parents are rich. It's an eternal paradox I can't seem to grasp my head around.

Oh, the complaints go on and on and on. I am okay, it's just one small thing amongst many other things.

I want normalcy. I would like some regularity, a source of income. No part time work, but focusing on a future. Call me old fashioned. I don't want AWOL apartment situations, scabies or sadness. I don't want insecurity and confusion all the time. I would like a little order. God, I am trying for order.

To those who have gone to college. Was I to hasty in my decision to come to the city? Did I cheat myself out of some experience later in life? If I had gone to school in a smaller town and learned life's lessons in simpler ways, then moved here and understood it all, would it have been easier at all?

Alas, worrying about the past cannot happen. It promotes nothing! You lived as you have lived and there's nothing that can change it! No time machine, no magic incantation, nothing!

Tonight I had dinner with a guy my age, but with less knowledge of life than I. In the ways of life, as it were. He's a sweet person to have around and makes me smile. We listened to music and I cooked for him. I told him things and he actually enjoyed hearing them.

I am in love with the idea of this guy, but I know he is far outside of my reach. I could never appreciate his naivety to it's fullest extent, I would always be tainting it somehow. He enjoys my company though, I make him laugh. I refresh him, or so he tells me.

He's so innocent and young. How am I refreshing? My character is refreshing? I sometimes don't understand what people mean? I don't view my life in terms of comedy, I see it terms of struggle more or less. When you laugh at my life, I see it for a moment as refreshing. I am making someone smile, for a moment. Then I see it only as sadness. My struggle is startling enough to make people chuckle? I don't remember laughing when I was bleeding from all that scratching. There was no fit of giggles that came when I was trapped in a sling? I wish I had heard the applause when I was packing my suitcase and being kicked out of my apartment.

Oh I am losing my point. I am tired and beginning to feel weak. This was just a moment to vent. It's confusion and not in a particular kind of order.

I have finished reading, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly and Wings. We're moving onto On The Road. I need to read/listen to happier things.

In short. To anyone who has gone to college. What the fuck?

A Monday Completed.

A Monday Completed
A Poem

Marc: you there man?

me: hey

who is this?

Marc: would love to see that big cock of yours on cam...

marc

me: haha Marc who?

do I know you

Marc: 10" dick that you wanted back in the summer.

we've never met

but you said,

me: Oh okay yes

Marc: I love the idea of tackling something that big. I'm really turned on by that right now. I decided I'm to tired for the gym. So I'm gonna crawl into bed. When are you free.

and i quote.

me: It's coming back. Sorry I'm in the middle of building a coffee table right now. I'm not that horny either. Try again another time

Marc:

haha

alright

me: yes, yes. That was me in my dirty mind. woof. But tonight. Not so much right now.

It was a valiant gesture on his part. Bravo, dear sir.

Other than that, I am stressed out a little. I will be working soon. I'm tired, I wish to sleep.

The Weekend Returns

I'm using it like a student. That counts for something.

When I'm not killing cockroaches, I am seeing horrible plays like To Be Or Not To Be. Or going to brunch and having decent food. Or doing homework assignment after assignment.

That's all.

The Cockroach and The Sandal

Picture a cockroach, now picture a cockroach that's bigger than that one you originally thought of. Okay, does he look like this. Yes? Good we're on the same page here.

She's been living in my room since August. Maybe it's not even the same one since August. Maybe it's her sister. Well regardless oh which generation she falls into. She is now dead. I killed her with a sandal. She tempted me, deceitful slut. Showed her face and danced into my sight.

Elizabeth was intent on kill her, but she didn't like my roommate. After the first search was through I sat by myself and not before to long she popped up again. The tango started and I got my sandal. She ran into a trap of her devices, into my bookshelf. She ran into a corner and I swatted, not wanting to crush her on my rare copies of books.

She ran up the sandal and fell back downwards and I took one quick swipe and she EXPLODED!

WHOA, what? Cockroaches explode? When does this happen? What video did I miss that told me this fact?

I ran out of my room screaming as if I had just killed a family of four and woken up in their blood. "I killed it! It exploded and it's terrible!!!!"

We quickly got rid of the body and I washed all the tools involved. My fingertips reek of bleach, but no traces will ever be found. Dear god, she exploded.

Sweet dreams.