A Letter to My Father. Which He Never Shall Read.

Dear Dad,

We have not been close. I don't think either of us can deny that fact. You had my brother and mom had me. That was the deal, right? For some reason I developed an intense fear of you. You terrified me, you were the man who represented everything I could never be. These issues seem so cliche! Yet, I suppose in the way my life is turning out, cliches are something I do best.

In youm, I saw my opposite, but perhaps this is how it was supposed to be. For if these developments, these fears had never happened. I would never have discovered what I did tonight.

I am emotionally damaged right now. When I speak to you, I can tell you know this too. It confuses you. You also have a tired sound and it amazes me that you can do these things in such a constant state of weariness. The father I have resisted my whole life finally broke through tonight. You broke the shell at Christmas and it caught me off guard. Tonight I was a little more prepared.

I thank you for just laying out the facts. You also reprimanded me for yelling at Mother in the subtlest way possible. I was blind sighted by this and I have to say: Good technique. I feel like a wild tiger that has finally be tamed. [Okay, that's a creepy metaphor. I'm just saying that you totally impressed me tonight.]

I fully understand that you are my father and I beg for forgiveness for my lack of respect. You treated me like an equal tonight. You spoke to me like a human being. I thank you once again.

As for the issues with Mother. They were resolved and her place in my story is not yet determined. I fear where it could go, I know the power I have over her. I also know that I get many negative traits from her. Spiteful words and erratic emotions. She was a mess after I hung up the phone, I knew this and felt it in my soul. I will always be the first to apologize because she is the Matriarch and without her I would not be alive.

I am trying to change and I know you only know 1/3 of the entire story. I put these cracks in the foundation because I have been filled with so much curiosity. I feel that I have begun my life. Unfortunately for our family, it will be known as the son who never came back. Maybe someday I will tell you and we shall see the results of that. Until then, let's just enjoy what we both know tonight.

Your Son,
E.Iguana