The Week I Have Known About For a Year

It's here, the week that I haven't looked forward to for a year. It's hit me like a ton of bricks and I don't know how to explain myself. I don't know if there's a way to explain myself. I am going to write and if it comes out in a way that makes sense. I shall be content at that.

It's a day. February 20th is a day. There is the stresses of life. The movie, college, love, unemployment and the future. There are the stresses of the year. Health, blood, loneliness, depression and the struggle to find a balance in it all.

I woke up yesterday morning. A Monday. As usual I felt tense and unsure. I did not want to go to the movie set because that's an unnecessary stress. An added worry. I feel like I'm shirking responsibility. I haven't been there today either. I will return tomorrow, but it leaves me terrified. Just being there. I will not quit and only a few weeks until it's all through. Then it will be complete.

I will hope that in that time I can gather strength to continue on with it. How do you explain to people that you just can't deal with it? I feel the need to be alone, but when I'm alone I feel like I want company.

Recently, I've just felt like the awareness of my situation is not helping. Tonight I made dinner. I am cooking full meals. Something a year ago I could never do. I made dinner for my roommate and a member from group. He says he doesn't think about his status. I suddenly felt like a child babbling about something I didn't understand. I just talk out of nervousness, I'm a scared person.

How can I get to this point where it's a non-issue. I'm not trying to be a martyr, it's just always there. When can I get to the point where it's like an unseemly birthmark? It's there, but I've learned to live with it.

My Mark of Caine returned because I have blood taken. Looking at a bruise on my arm can open a door. Thinking of a stupid date can do these things too.

Just ignore it then! It's a day, it was no different than two February's ago. Or four February's ago, except for the fact it is.

Sometimes I just want to be held until I can't breath and I'm forced to either scream or cry. Yet, the person will not let go until I have exhausted my emotions to the point of breaking. I want to sit there and scream.

I want therapy. I will get therapy. The anxiety that comes from simple tasks like calling and finding out information. The clarity of my mind says to do is ASAP, but the fogginess says to hold off.

I want to be a defined person. No more dramatic events, no more worrisome nights. No more loneliness. I know what I want to do it and sometimes I'm tired of just trying. Always pushing. There's always another step, there's always the advice, the offers and suggestions.

I'm going to sleep and keeping it in mind that when I wake. I will be better. I will feel better.