The Gaymer. A species that I once thought I belonged to. A gaymer for those of you who don't know is a gay man who plays video games. Excessively. I used to revel in the fact that I was one. I was subversive being a homo who played games! It was a defining feature of my life. "I'm gay and I played all of King's Quest growing up as a kid..." Does that ring a bell? Anyone...hello is this thing on? If I told someone that statement and they didn't understand then I knew there was no hope. If a guy didn't play video games...what was the point?
Then life set in. Not there is anything wrong with a gay man who plays video games. Actually it's still very cute. Correction, it's still very cute until last night. For you see last night I was invited to a midnight Gaymer release party of Super Smash Brothers Brawl for the Wii. There were several things wrong with this scenario: It was daylights savings and the game wasn't released until midnight, it was in Harlem and OH I've never played a Wii until a couple weeks ago!
So I have concluded (at least from the invited guests of this party) that there are two types of Gaymers. The incredibly hot ones and the mild ones. Gaymers have this intellect of uselessness that comes off as cocky, but utterly attractive. If it's a hot one, then it's even better. Along with this intellect also comes a condescending. Enter me.
I who have not half the video game powers I used to. I'm a veteran. I can remember the good times, but I believe the present has fallen on squalor. There has been a game able to make me feel motivated for years. So I enter this room of a mix of hot and mild. And now ladies an gentlemen I will begin to analyze...
Before I begin, life has give me a blessing. My blond hair. This is a lesser known fact, but I am sort of a method actor. When I enter a social situation when I know no one and I feel a little intimidated I rely on one thing and let it go where it takes me. Last night it took me father than I ever thought I could go. Being blond I can throw out some choice statements and instantly no one takes me seriously. I know it's abusing my intelligence, but I knew the rules of the game. I have developed a perfect blank stare and look of utter disbelief. If I tried to pretend I was up to date with the Wii or I knew what was going on they would have quickly caught on and rubbed it in harder. If they all felt less threatened, they'd embrace me. Even if only a little.
God, I feel like Jane Goodall.
The couple hosting the party were very gracious. There was one who was a little more intense, but I could tell from the look in his eyes he held a brutish demeanor but would crumble just as easily as the rest. Regardless, I liked him and his geekiness.
Then there was another couple. One thin as a stick and cute in that gaymer way. The other large (very) an not really social. I also noticed he didn't play video games that much either, from his lack of knowing how to play Mario Party 8. He hated me and the act I put up. I wanted to pull him aside and whisper, "Listen friend, I am on your side! Hate what you see, but don't hate me because after tonight we will share a bond larger than the two of us combined!" Yet, to break face would be disastrous. We've gotten through the couples...
Then there is the Hot Gaymers. Now they are what does it for me. If I played video games still I would probably be this. Well, duh. This particular one was defensive of me from the moment I entered the room. I noticed his quick looks and snide comments. I can handle him, with my mask on I didn't really care. Besides I wasn't in competition tonight, I was there as an observer.
Hot Gaymers of my age have something to prove. They want to be free and wild. Sleep with anyone they can, because they know where they stand! That's fine, really. But because they are used to competition through games they are equally competitive in the ways of the bedroom. Entering a room full of gay men is just like Pac-Man. Eat the fruit and gobble up anyone worth points. When I entered the room the game was on.
Yet the catch is Hot Gaymers are "friendly." They are so unsure of themselves that they have a belief that they must be every one's friend. They are nice and flirt with everyone. Not just one person, they want to make sure they have all venues open. Just in case one falls through. Speaking from personal experiencing, I learned that those kinds of people are the saddest. Always avoiding and never confronting, it's okay if some people dislike you. It really is.
I was fine with him until a second hot gaymer showed up. Now when you have more than one joined in battle, it's like Hyena's. They are sneakier than they seem. The second one was on the border of Gaymer and the border of Bitchy.
At this point I had already portrayed myself as the dumb blond so I couldn't go back on it. Of course we all know how blonds react when they are bombarded with bitchy comments. They take it like Jesus Christ did on the cross. So I pulled a Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf and got drunk. Or as Brick once said, "I looked for my click..."
It's funny that before coming there I was excited but felt a nagging on the back of my neck the entire day. Then I remembered what that nagging was...
Did Jane Goodall ever have to deal with a bitchy Gorilla?
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