The Road to Oz

Finished Season 3 of Oz tonight. I'm on a roll! Hurrah for a lack of social life. My brother surprisingly called me and told me that he's in the city. I would've liked to have hung out with him, had I not already been in the city today and wanted to save money. Plus it was very last minute. I enjoy my brother's company, but not that much.

I had lunch with a good friend today and we always discuss moving from the city. I like to believe that when I'm with him, nothing can go wrong. For those few hours, I can be worried to hell, but when I talk to him I feel so cal--Well, I feel understood.

I spent another night at home. I haven't been sexually active in about two months. I go to bed and can't sleep. I think about being alone forever. Not to be melodramatic, but I have thought about it. I'd rather have a really good friend who I lived with. Give me a friend like the one mentioned above and I say 'Eh' to dating and relationships.

I am sure if given the option I would turn my back on these beliefs. I was just sitting today and thinking about it. This may get confusing, but try to follow me?

I've slept with a lot of people. We're talking three digits! In my young age, that's pretty up there. I did this because I wanted to. Wise or dumb, the decisions I made were my own. I'm not bragging, I'm just trying to fill in blanks.

During this Odyssey, I had a handful of unsuccessful beginnings of possible relationships. First dates, second dates, third dates. Then done. I also had about three or four more more serious moments where I had to go out of my way and have that conversation we all hate to hear. Then there was the two guys I can consider pseudo-relationships. Who ultimately left me and are now both in serious relationships, apparently.

I know the ins and outs of dating. I've seen it played out on stage. I just don't know those moments, those intimate moments. Those fragile and destructible moments. That in years eventually get broken. I see it all the time. And when you try and get close to someone, they someday take all the secrets you've shared and the promises you've made. They take all that and use it against you. In dating you're ultimately inviting someone into your life who can, in turn, become your worst enemy.

Why do we do that to ourselves?

I guess I see the glass as half empty nowadays. I'm the artist, I'm the dreamer. I'm the one that dies young. Who lived fast and never knew the right places to go. He just went and let the world happen around him. Never really thinking of the future. He had moments of inspiration, but they never amounted to anything. They just sprouted and quickly withered away, waiting for another idea to take it's place.

It's a blue night. Blue, indeed.