It's all just a little bit of history repeating.
I am through with my play, that is a good thing. I am no longer required to work for my school for free...or am I? So the moment this show closed my mind went into work mode. It's not good to be idle. That's why I never would make a proper domestic. Sitting at home is not for me. AND.
I have recently come to a big decision in my life.
The last three years have been ones of confusion and restlessness. Of growing and learning constantly. I have spent three years telling people, "I don't know." When asked what I want to do when I finish school. I always knew that my passion was for theatre, but that was simply it. What did I want to do though?
Theatre Management? Casting? Wardrobe? Dramaturgy? Grad School? Leaving the city? It's all been up and downs. When you're fighting to survive and to keep your head. When you're learning to grow earlier than most. When is there time to make these decisions?
Then the plague entered my life. Things became difficult. Things were still.
All I Ask Of You.
I stopped progressing. I stopped staying motivated. Before the days of constant darkness and worries, I was able to work my way to China! How can I so easily be stopped? It wasn't my choice to stop. It was going to happen sooner or later.
It wasn't just the news of this event. I have an exact date. April 1, 2008. That's when life officially stopped moving, for an undecided amount of time. The Tall Man cut the last thread to my sanity and without my permission, I felt the walls all around me crumble.
Perhaps I'm being melodramatic? How can I not see a silver lining through all this? You're kidding right?
Moving along, my thoughts get so cluttered.
Until recently, I have come to the conclusion that I would like to persue a career in being a Wardrobe Dresser. How humorous. It's attainable, it's not outside of my reach and I have the motivation to do it.
Get The Party Started.
As usual I pick a career that college can't prepare me for. Yet, without college how was I ever going to discover I liked working backstage and in that way? So I suppose I can't say college didn't lead to this.
My parents are coming down to visit this weekend and they plan on buying me furniture. We also will discuss the comedy that is my taking loans out for school. I'll get to that by the next song, though. I plan on telling my parents that I want to be a dresser. I will also tell them how it's actually a career that people can live comfortably with.
If I eventually get into the Wardrobe Union I will be getting very good pay and health benefits as well as all that other fun stuff people strive for. Like a 401 K. Yes, Dressers have a 401 K. A pension!
Ticky-Tacky-Ticky-Tacky-ummmm
As for loans. My mother calls and tells me that I will need to get a job. The silly woman doesn't understand that I haven't spent five years in college just to "get" a job. I know logical sense says to get one and I will get one. I just fear spending another two years working in a job that ultimately will not do anything for me.
I was a financial printer for two years. I gained immeasurable computer skills and decent pay for a student. In the long run of the life I want to lead. What will knowing how to code in ASCII & HTML or knowing how to layout a page do for me? Does my point make sense?
If I could, I'd protect you from the sadness in your eyes.
I will eventually cave in a few days and admit I will need to get a mediocre job in the meantime. I hate it because right now is the time I have the opportunity to work for free as a dresser to gain experience. Yet all I can do is wait for these "opportunities" to come my way. Trust me I have all my resources on the patrol. It's only been three days since the play ended.
I have been getting myself upset because I am looking into the wardrobe career path and as I said I can do it. All I lack is experience outside of college. Apparently college experience counts for squat in the city. Then the Union seems so bizarre with their rules. I can't work Broadway shows until I'm Registered, but I can't be registered until I get experience. So I need to work Off-Broadway (but the economy the way it is, that's more difficult nowadays) and other non-equity shows. Most time this work will be for free, so there won't be an income in any of this.
You are my friend. I never knew it til then. My friend.
Then there's the other option, which would have to come after I graduated. This would be leaving the city. Irony is an overused nowadays. I will need to leave the city in order to work in it. I am not against this option at all, I would tour with a show no problem.
Right now it seems it's going to fall down on luck. As life often does, I just need to hope I stumble upon something and it takes me away. I just know that if I finish college and don't strive for it, there's a big chance this could end up another pipe dream.
I am a defeatist by nature. I have always felt behind. This is the first time though that I refuse to surrender, I know I can do it. For the first time in months I have felt driven, I have felt motivated. Like I know what I want to do out in the world, at least for now. It may seem so funny, while people write of wanting to be a doctor or lawyer. I want to be a Dresser.
Wake from your sleep. The drying of your tears. Today. We escape, we escape.
I'll allow it. I'll allow myself to feel hope. I will try to not give up, as I have in the past. It's a feeling like a knot in your stomach. I have tried a gun-ho approach in the last couple days and my impatience (for I am that way) has expected it to just fall into my lap. Yet, it's been dead end after dead end. If it's not going to the Wardrobe Union for a New Union Members Orientation (an accident), or finding out because my parents made $100,000 dollars in 2007 I can't even do work study through my school (Those that said to stay in college for as long as you can, obviously didn't have the same experience I have been having), or just finding out that there's many dressers out in the world and my experience ranks in low on the totem pole (see above).
As I have hopefully gotten across I am trying. No, not trying. I am doing. It simply must be done.
27 minutes and 54 seconds through. Goodnight.
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