A Universal Reminder

There will be no sadness in this entry! This week has been slightly intense. It was busy and hectic. With reminders of depression and unhappiness. I remembered the touch of skin and the feel of lips. It made me weak. The season change, full moon, cold weather and being at school all night. They have all played a roll in upsetting my equilibrium.

I wanted to depend on someone again. I wanted to believe that someone out there had my best interests in mind. Someone who does not fully understand who I am or how I work. I often forget that the eccentricities of my mind, are not understood by normal people. Poor, unfortunate, normal souls. The music I can hear, that most can't, sometimes seems worth the trade-off.

I got weak and I began to hate myself again. Just because two men told you they were only interested in fucking you? It's a cruel reminder sometimes and it hurts more than most people can understand. Yet, to most ears, it probably sounds foolish.

The problems with keeping my breath and heartbeat controlled. I get restless, being alone in my room. My roommate being out at the time and the unexpected text message. An offer I could not refuse.

So I returned into the garden. I should not have gone back into the garden, I didn't plan on going back. I feel guilty and a little upset this time, because I was doing so well. I just need a few days to break the after effects off. It'll be difficult, but I've gotten through it before.

Then the days after came. The moment two nights ago when my roommate was upfront and honest with me. I respect that, I take her point into the back of my mind. She has my best interests in mind, of this I can be certain.

Later, I hung out with my friends. I knew that I could hug and swoon and make a fool of myself and not feel judged. Everyone in the room who cared, cared for me and not how I acted.
It's silly to feel tears in those moments, I was content and happy to be in the presence of people who cared for/loved me.

I spent the week with people I couldn't feel close to: The Escort and the people from my school. I felt alone again and that was the downfall. I allowed myself to feel alone again. I'm still not strong enough to be BRAVE all the time. Sometimes, I fall apart and over the silliest things too. Instead of dealing with the issue, I acted out upon it. Not in healthy ways all the time.

The play is through, a chapter has closed. Seven Weeks have gone by without a real notion of passing fully though. When it happened? I'd love to know. Was I even there for it?

Oh, yes, I keep documentation in this thing so I can remember.