Rise Up With Fists

First, my mother was in the hospital when I arrived home. She is fine and healthy. Simply a staph infection on her elbow. It was just a bit frightening to deal with mentally. So when I saw Next To Normal I cried the entire night.

I'll be leaving back tomorrow. Where I am due to meet up with the ShyGuy. Just hang out and talk, I don't know what to expect. It won't necessarily be a comfy visit, but it's just has to happen.

I've been thinking of alternate life decisions I want to make. Everyone upstate discusses my motivation and ambition. When they tell me of it I feel so confused. I haven't been doing anything. I mean I have, but now I am in that lull. Hopefully for only one more month too. Or else I don't know what will happen. Something will happen.

I'll get back to you when I know what's going on.

Eh, well. . .

My roommate seems to be projecting her negative feelings this way. Not wise Miss, not wise. That's all I'm gonna say.

I'm doing laundry tonight. I have an early appointment and I intend to stay home and be complacent with it. Are you happy with that? Good. Good.

In other news I am seeing Next To Normal tomorrow. On Broadway! I did not see this move happening and I fear that if it does not get glowing reviews it will close rather quickly! I hope it has a healthy run. The lyrics are a little kooky, but I don't look at this show as the correct way to deal with mental illness. I just see it as a melodrama of ideas and themes.



The score is interesting to the ear. And has a very contemporary feel. I applaud Tom Kitt for creating it and the rock sound.

The other reason I'm seeing this a third time, is I saw Next To Normal for the first time over a year ago. It was before my diagnosis. The second was the impending days before my diagnosis. When it all happened, I could never relate to anything more closely than this show. Diane is going through these upsets that I related to. This feeling of loss and forgetting where your life is going. It really hits close to home on several levels. Not to mention Alice owns this role to no end! Tony award, please!

So tomorrow will be the third time I see this show. I have listened to the revised score and enjoy the changes, though I'm upset they cut out her Rock 'N' Roll electric shock therapy hallucination number Feeling Electric. I guess they thought it was to much? I'm just glad I have had a chance to see this show change.

Now I want to do something very foolish, but I feel it must be done. Every time I listen to the soundtrack, I remember how it's an Anti-Musical because it's so dark. Yet, I applaud them for doing just that. Whenever Alice Ripley opens her mouth I get chills. She has proved a great strength for me in this last year, through her voice. I want to tell her that.

I'm gonna wait at the stage door and do it. I must do it.

Today I spent with The Vespa-Rider in Fort Greene Park. It's a pretty place, we spoke seriously. He doesn't want to date me and I understand this. So I'll just be his friend. End of story. Done. Finished.

President's Day in Brooklyn

Last night I saw Next To Normal last night. Still amazing and though I do openly admit there are some problems with it, it's still fresh and amazing. Much more than other stuff playing right now and the long awaited Shrek, that's coming to Broadway. I do believe that Sutton Foster, though an amazing performer, is on a one woman quest to bring about the destruction of Broadway...

Tourist on line at TKTS: Look I see the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse approaching Time Square?!
Other Tourist: Really? What do they look like?
Tourist: Oh my Lord! It looks like Sutton Foster, Mel Brooks, Eric Idle and Jerry Mitchell!
Other Tourist: Well I hope they don't get her until I get my discount ticket for The Color Purple.

That's how I envision the end to be. Or how the tourists in Time Square will probably react to it. They worked long and hard to get here and a mere Apocalypse will not stop them!

I have spent the last 48 hours being the laziest person I know. There's something about not showering that's both liberating and horrifying. I'll chose the former right now.

I spent last night and most of today with The Tall Man. He's going through such a stressful time, it's so odd to see the this happening to someone and not to yourself. He'll survive he said and as long as he doesn't "cut" me out of his stress. Correction, as long as I am not stressful to his life, I'll try the best I can to support him.

We didn't do much, more or less hung out. Fell asleep around 2am and then slept until 2 pm. We woke once for cordial reasons that I'll keep humble for the time being. We watch Fast Food Nation, which I expected to be disgusting and not leave me with feeling of happiness in my soul. I guess I set myself up for it. I have to applaud the author of that for making it such an interesting story. Yet, it felt so trashy. Suppose it's because the story is about middle America and thus you don't have many glamorous actors playing roles. Unless you're Charlize Theron and like to get down and dirty. Maybe it was also the acting.

I feel as though I'm avoiding some lingering worries myself. Perhaps it has to do with quitting my job and being independent soon and surviving somehow on no money and on a dream that I'll get an internship. What's annoying about the Internship business is...The ones that want letters of recommendation...I did that game last year and got nothing. NOTHING. I'm not about to play this game again. It's tiring.

I think I may take up Temping again when I leave my job. Plus without an internship this summer I can focus on taking those summer classes and getting Geology and Biology out of the way. Not worry about that bullshit next semester. I want an internship, I really do. I also want to graduate. I'm gonna be an adult anyway and I played this game so long and so hard. It's time to end it.

The Tall Man's roommate (who I mentioned was moving out) got rid of a lot of his stuff. So that means I got two pairs of jeans, a couple nice shirts and other stuff. This is how I shop people, this is how I shop. Wait long enough and you'll get your dues.

Strange Emotions

I don't know why I'm so worried. I always get worried when I go to the doctor and get various tests done. Tomorrow I will find out and I'll know for sure whether I have anything to really be worried about.

It's just that things have been so calm (relatively) for a while now that I feel I'm overdue for some big upset. Not that I necessarily deserve something that BIG nor do I expect it. Don't think that I'm insinuating that. We've all made weak choices at times in our lives and thusly it's for moments of truth like this that we start to get nervous. That is all.

Here I am on Valentine's Day, with an actual Valentine and I'm close to tears because the idea that tomorrow could hypothetically be the last time I ever see this Valentine again. It's difficult to be upset and cryptic at the same time. It's also difficult being born of a stock that worries to much.

In other news: Next to Normal has been reviewed to mixed reviews. They don't say it's horrible, but as I excepted the subject matter causes it to really be enjoyable. I look at Spring Awakening and wonder how we turned a blind eye last year? The songs are a little in your face some reviews say. Once again I look at Spring Awakening. I enjoy that show, I really do...but yes, no defending that. Plus what is with that awful song in the end with the purple mountains. Maybe I missed something. Oh is it because this subject matter is present today, while that show took place in 1890? Paging Mr. Ledger, paging.

I just hope they record the show, that's all I want is a legitimate recording of it. That's all. In other news East of Eden is going to be an epic one I can tell. Woo boy will it be. I am back into the world of regular reading. Out of the land of wizards. What's funny is when I read, I read for myself. I personally don't care if anyone else reads East of Eden or that I was the only one who read Harry Potter 7 months after it's popularity died out.

Yet, I find people are always telling me, "You MUST read this!" To which I always respond, "I have a reading agenda and I'm sorry, but I'll put it on queue. I can't promise I'll get to it anytime soon." Rarely does a book get pushed ahead. Okay, a little more than rarely. Yet all the time of Harry Potter I kept pretending that Perfume would be read before East of Eden (EoE), yet I purchased EoE without even batting a literary eyelash.

Didn't I See This Movie?

The lyrics may sound doofy, but this song is brilliantly performed by Ms. Ripley:

Didn't I see this movie with McMurphy and the nurse?
That hospital was heavy, but this cuckoo's nest is worse.
Isn't the one where in the end the good guys try?
Didn't I see this movie and didn't I cry? Didn't I cry?

What makes you think I'd lose my mind for you?
I'm no sociopath, I'm not Sylvia Plath!
I ain't no Francis Farmer kind of mind for you!
So stay out of my brain, I'm no princess of pain!

Didn't I see this movie, where the doctor looks like you?
Where the patients got impatient and said,
"Sorry doc I'm through."
I know where this going and I know what you're about!
Cause I have seen this movie and I walked out!
I walked out! I'm walking...

1:25 am — Things happen strangely here.

It's 1:25 am and I'm not asleep. You know what that means...

So I'll just type until I feel tired and get somethings out of my mind. Why am I letting little things bother me? Like the light that filters through my windows while I try to sleep. It's such a light night out. I need to be up at 6 am...I will hate myself, but I will get up.

I just bought 8 tickets to see RENT. Hello major credit card purchase. It's for the greater good. Even though I look at my bank account, which seems to had dwindled since before China and I feel panic. Immediate panic. Immense panic.

With the idea of leaving my paying job into nothing. With such low funds, I swallow hard and say worry not, it'll replenish. Then I have those thoughts I could easily have believed when I was up in the bank account. Those thoughts are, "Maybe I should stay with the job through the summer..."

Then what about a possible internship? What about feeling better? What about telling my boss I am leaving? It's not bad to go back on your word. Was the psychic right? Oh my God. Why? I need to be involved with theater, but I also need money to live here. Especially being that I will so be independent of my parents. Completely. With bills to pay and loans. And all that grownup stuff. Oh my GOD, why is this coming into my head now??

The Tall Man called me tonight to hang out tomorrow and go out on a date. Does that make me feel better? Yes, it does. What doesn't make me feel better is the lack of money in my account. Also school. Tomorrow I will purely focus on homework. Get a majority of it done tomorrow. Put myself ahead of the game and focus.

The gym at 6 am...the gym...Oh God groceries must be purchased tomorrow!

Musicals need to be thinned out, you knew this would happen eventually. The belt buckle would have to tighten. It just WOULD. Yet, you aren't adjusting as well as you hoped. You've been home, what? 13 days. why haven't you assimilated to the new life yet? The real life. You knew it was coming all through China.

Why isn't life unfolding the way I wished it ever would? Why did they assign me to Costume Crew for Two Gentlemen Of Verona? When I clearly asked to be on deck crew of a show. So I wouldn't have to do hours in the shop. So when I thought all was going well in that vein at least, I was shown differently.

How has Next To Normal become my absolute favorite musical? So much that I have been listening to it repeatedly for two days straight. As well as I just bought tickets to it again. Despite the fact that I really should have told myself, "You're getting poorer, you need to calm your soul son...calm your soul."

Why did you do this? You did it because you love theater and this is the first show in a while to renew that love of theater. It stirred your soul. Even though you feel that listening to the recording over and over again has promoted this upset feeling you have. It's a dark show. This is The Hours, ALL over again. Why are you so drawn to unhappy housewives? They speak to you in a language no one else was ever able to understand.

It's bordering two, I need at least four hours to function. Correction. I can function on four hours right? In conclusion, I need to be happy again. You need to fix this rut. Try, you know you can. You need things to begin falling into place. You need to not feel this in betweenness that you are indeed feeling.

I can always take up temping again. That's always an option. Keep it there. Hold it and try not to let it slip in the hazy morning when you wake and forget these fears because sleep finally came.

Let There Be Light

Next To Normal. A new musical with a dark story, but I turned into a musical theatre geek and fell for it. It's about a Mother who believes her dead son is still alive. It is tearing their family apart. So after giving up medication they decide to give her ECT. You're thinking, "What the fuck?"

It's an interesting idea, and a dark comedy. I was a little "What the fuck?" myself when I saw the Electric Shock Therapy scene. Then I realized I was setup to expect this and if this is shit, then what are the truly bad musicals considered *cough*Shrek - The Musical*cough*? Not to mention that Alice Ripley was great. Finally, glad I got to see her in person.

Then today I saw Betty Buckley in concert in Queens today. The performance? Second verse, same as the first...

The rest of my weekend was calm. It involved The Tall Man, which I appreciate. He agreed to going to see RENT with a group of my friends. Which means he wants to participate in my life and meet my friends. That's more than being a sexual object right? I feel foolish asking, but this place is for fears and anxiety. If he follows through, I will count it as something nice.

I then had this other moment. I told a friend that I am focusing not just on the Tall Man because nothing has been announced. So last weekend, untrying, I attracted the attention of a guy. Who I kissed a little on the dance floor. Then when he asked me, "Want to get out of here?" I replied, "Yes, I think I am going to head home. Goodnight."

He wanted to meet again and because I blew him off a night before. Also he was near my apartment. Oh, how the trap had been set and I walked right into it. So when the time came to head home, who but he invited himself over. True, I could have said no the game ends here. I did not because saying No is how adventures never happen.

See it is this attitude that gets me. It's because I'm paranoid that it's happening to me. Sing Alive Ripley, sing! I wish rules would be clearer with that issue. Yet, some friends are jealous in what I've developed with this man. It seems ideal to them. I just don't want a repeat of previous events.

Back to the issue at hand though: So he slept next to me. How do people with bad breath not get told. I mean it's not necessarily my job as kisser to stop and inform him. I see the difficulty. I assume my breath doesn't smell for the fact I have had many a person want to continue kissing me. Point and case. So when we woke up and he wanted to kiss, I said I had to go to the bathroom. When I returned I said, "Time to get up...I've got plans today and you're not in them." He suggested we lay around more and I said, "No...I can't, I need to go to the gym." He did respect my wishes not to have sex.

Subtleness has never been my forte...I admit that wholely.

That's enough for the night to come to an end. Consider yourself informed.