1:25 am — Things happen strangely here.

It's 1:25 am and I'm not asleep. You know what that means...

So I'll just type until I feel tired and get somethings out of my mind. Why am I letting little things bother me? Like the light that filters through my windows while I try to sleep. It's such a light night out. I need to be up at 6 am...I will hate myself, but I will get up.

I just bought 8 tickets to see RENT. Hello major credit card purchase. It's for the greater good. Even though I look at my bank account, which seems to had dwindled since before China and I feel panic. Immediate panic. Immense panic.

With the idea of leaving my paying job into nothing. With such low funds, I swallow hard and say worry not, it'll replenish. Then I have those thoughts I could easily have believed when I was up in the bank account. Those thoughts are, "Maybe I should stay with the job through the summer..."

Then what about a possible internship? What about feeling better? What about telling my boss I am leaving? It's not bad to go back on your word. Was the psychic right? Oh my God. Why? I need to be involved with theater, but I also need money to live here. Especially being that I will so be independent of my parents. Completely. With bills to pay and loans. And all that grownup stuff. Oh my GOD, why is this coming into my head now??

The Tall Man called me tonight to hang out tomorrow and go out on a date. Does that make me feel better? Yes, it does. What doesn't make me feel better is the lack of money in my account. Also school. Tomorrow I will purely focus on homework. Get a majority of it done tomorrow. Put myself ahead of the game and focus.

The gym at 6 am...the gym...Oh God groceries must be purchased tomorrow!

Musicals need to be thinned out, you knew this would happen eventually. The belt buckle would have to tighten. It just WOULD. Yet, you aren't adjusting as well as you hoped. You've been home, what? 13 days. why haven't you assimilated to the new life yet? The real life. You knew it was coming all through China.

Why isn't life unfolding the way I wished it ever would? Why did they assign me to Costume Crew for Two Gentlemen Of Verona? When I clearly asked to be on deck crew of a show. So I wouldn't have to do hours in the shop. So when I thought all was going well in that vein at least, I was shown differently.

How has Next To Normal become my absolute favorite musical? So much that I have been listening to it repeatedly for two days straight. As well as I just bought tickets to it again. Despite the fact that I really should have told myself, "You're getting poorer, you need to calm your soul son...calm your soul."

Why did you do this? You did it because you love theater and this is the first show in a while to renew that love of theater. It stirred your soul. Even though you feel that listening to the recording over and over again has promoted this upset feeling you have. It's a dark show. This is The Hours, ALL over again. Why are you so drawn to unhappy housewives? They speak to you in a language no one else was ever able to understand.

It's bordering two, I need at least four hours to function. Correction. I can function on four hours right? In conclusion, I need to be happy again. You need to fix this rut. Try, you know you can. You need things to begin falling into place. You need to not feel this in betweenness that you are indeed feeling.

I can always take up temping again. That's always an option. Keep it there. Hold it and try not to let it slip in the hazy morning when you wake and forget these fears because sleep finally came.