The following post may come off as bitchy or annoying, but since I'm writing this in free association I can't really predict if it really will end up that way.
"I'd like to propose a toast" ~ Elaine Stritch, Company
I live in fear it seems, well nowadays. Now not a fear as in I walk down the street and everyone I see scares the shit out of me, in fact I'm very brave. I live in more of perpetual fear. I can't wake up in the morning now and scratch my body and wonder, "Have they returned?" Did all that cream, all that sleeping on the floor, all those days/afternoons/nights of constant itching to think it was all for naught. All it takes is one moment of itching for you to suddenly remember that perhaps things still aren't okay. Even though I know they are, I'm VERY sure of it. I think this is what rape victims go through. And to say that what I've gone through is not even close to a rape victim...Get scabies and then TELL me what you think.
"For when you're living on your own, without a girlfriend or a home, people speculate. But I'm much stronger than them. I want to be something special." Straight Dave, Closer to Heaven
It dawned upon me yesterday, and perhaps this is the depression talking, that my life means nothing. I may be transforming into a nihilist and not even realize it. I haven't done anything and it upsets me. It all goes back to many other issues I've discussed before. The cause of this appropriately enough was my perusing myspace.com last night.
I mean nothing to anyone, perhaps I'm overstating that. I make people laugh, in fact two days ago a girl complimented my well maintained pectorals. She told me she loved when I wore tight shirts, and I'll admit I smiled a little. But other than that I feel I have no real worth in this world. It's very hard to explain. But I digress, back to Myspace.com.
"Love me, not your idea of me!" Jonelle Allen, Two Gentlemen of Verona
The site annoys me in general. It's more of a way of life now than a social directory. It's like there are two sides to it. Those that seem amazing from the way their pictures and sites (at least textually) are laid out. And those that seem immensely boring. It's where I have to keep telling myself, "Don't worry even though they may look interesting I'm sure they are not that great in real life, after all they have all this time to hang out on myspace.com, right?"
Then there are those that post picture of them with their boyfriends of the time. When I say "those" of course I am talking about gay men. I could careless about straight women, they do what they want and I don't mind. And it's when I see younger 20-somethings like myself posting pictures with their boyfriends. Maybe jealousy is the word that you would figure would come to my mind. For me the word that comes to my mind is confusion. I wonderment at how they do it.
How does one connect with someone nowadays? Enough to feel verified that you can take pictures of your "relationship" and post them consciously on myspace.com! It may be the nihilist speaking again, but the reason I didn't go so far as to break out the digital camera, cuddle up with W and take those pictures is I knew it wouldn't last that long, let alone be worth the energy.
"Tell me is love just a popular suggestion, or merely an obsolete art? Forgive me for asking this simple question, I'm unfamiliar with his heart, I'm a stranger here myself." Mary Martin, One Touch of Venus
The other night...Sit down kids I've got a tale to tell. The other night...
At W's birthday party, I met this guy. I'll call him Chess since his favorite musical is CHESS, he knows more about it than I. Which is saying almost TOO much. I knew we were meant to be soul mates from the moment I met him. Then I learned he lived in New Jersey, so it only affirmed that God is swift and unjust when he wishes to be. But we chatted the entire night and I thought he was a great guy. Nothing happened just feel in love...in that internal sense of it.
"I don't see myself as taking part at all..." Judy Kuhn, Chess
Hey, you can tell me you want to fuck me all night long and I'll smirk. But you tell me that you went to the one night Chess benefit concert in 2003, starring Sutton Foster, Julia Murney, Josh Groban and Adam Pascal, and I'll not only let you fuck me all night long, we can go into the wee hours of the morning as well.
So surprisingly this Thursday he invited me out to a bar. It was almost a shock, but very flattering. We met, we drank (but not much), we danced and made out almost more than we danced and drank together. So naturally I invited him back to my place to stay. Yes I actually had someone over.
Now we would all guess this story ends happily ever after, right?
Cut to the NYU dorm room. He has friends over many ages, young and old. These friends were younger, technically freshmen in college. In NYU no less. This would be my second time in an NYU dorm with actual NYU students and incidentally this would be my second time I returned home and found I had blood in my urine...strange huh?
Now before I go one, not to say all NYU students are this way I know that.
But continuing on, here I am sitting here with some 19 year old who live in an dorm room, go to an expensive college, are FINE ART majors and then try to prove to me that they are unique. Perhaps I intimidated them, perhaps they felt they had to prove something, but in short I wasn't amused.
I've done drugs, I've slept my way to the top, I've done all the things you have. There's no reason to try and play this game. It only reaffirmed why hanging out with kids my age makes me upset about life. Then one starts to talk about how he's saving up money for his trip to Berlin. Woe is you dear, woe is you.
What really made me laugh/cringe is when these 18 and 19 year olds asked me if I had coke and then OFFERED me Crystal Meth...
Sometimes I wonder about my generation and where we shall end up. That or NYU students who live lives like that. It makes me laugh to see a student who can't keep up with their work, especially in those circumstances. Almost enough to make me want to SPIT in their face while I chuckle.
"I can be cruel, I don't know why." Tori Amos
I've grown tired, that's all for now.
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