Thus It Returned

I am sleepless. I am without sleep. I knew it was bound to happen with the finals and such.

It's been a big night! I finished On The Road and Oz all in the same day!

First, On The Road was truly amazing. It opened my eyes to a whole different style of writing. I loved the homosexual context. As the book drew closer to an end, I was torn about the character of Dean. His madness! It seemed so familiar to me. The ending when Dean could only whisper, he wasn't able to speak audibly or coherently.

I see images of myself driven that far and into that stupor. I fear the rejection by people who once cared about you. Yet, Dean is the ultimate loner. Another reason I relate to him. His life is like the wind and he floats like a leaf on it. If that be my fate, then I guess I will have to go gracefully.

The book was amazing and I hope to never forget it. When Dean would go into rapture while listening to music or see a landscape and just burst into sobs. I felt such a linking with those moment. Am I a Beat? Destined to a dead generation movement.

Oz is done and ended as it began. No one has really changed, people have died. They would've be replaced. Adebisi was my favorite and will always be my favorite on that show. The show took character types of all kinds, then added the fact that they were prisoners.

They had already ascended justice. This was a prison filled with demi-Gods. They stole, killed and threatened. No one was to powerful, because they were all in an equal playing cage. You'd route for Beecher, because he was the good one. Was he? Or was his crime that he was to good. He cared to much and that's why he still ended up in jail.

Lastly, now this one is a dozy, but I'll articulate to the best of my abilities.

Tonight, the boy who told me he likes me. He went on a little speech that had to do with God. How his praying has helped him find a decent apartment and to find this job so quickly. He believes that all he needs is a boyfriend and he'll be good to go in life.

He told me how he prays and asks his parents to pray for him. Recently his prayers have all been answered. Then he continued on with how he's upset because he has no one to complain to. As God rewards the virtuous, he will also punish his children because they believed they deserved things in earnestly.

I sat there and only could agree. I don't want to burn a bridge with him yet, I don't intend to. I did ask him, "Why are you complaining if all these good things have come your way? You seem to only be complaining about how no one will listen to you complain." In short, that you have no one to coddle you!

Of course my statement was taken in offense. Where I had to make clear that I asked him repeatedly to tell me what was wrong, yet the only thing he could come up with was that was his major complaint.

I suppose that's where the Boyfriend will come in. Someone to share your sorrows with, who has no choice to to listen and take it in.

I told him good luck to finding that, as I have had no luck. His response was, "We're two different stories."

I quickly needed to end the conversation, as I was getting a little irked. I didn't know how to politely ask, what makes us so different? That you're pure and have God on your side? And I'm a tainted heathen who is Godless and bound for sadness?

I know it's over exaggerating, but we're close in age. We've had different starting off points. I am sure he'll find love and a boyfriend in a snap. He'll look and it'll be amazing and I'll be bitter. Or will I? I don't know these days.

I'm sure that's how the whole story will go. I was bothered by how he was not necessarily telling me about his accomplishments. He kept reminding me how praying to God got them for him. I am sorry, friend, but I bought into him for a while and life wasn't that way for me.

I am anything but a stable or happy person right now. Do I feel that it's because I lack God's light in my life. I would certainly hope it's not that simple, as if I went to H&M over American Apparel, thus missing a great sale. My action's are done, I have given myself experience in life. The bitterest of life's experiences, yet they are my own.

I let his talk of God get to me because I hear bragging. "I pray...look what came into my life." There is no advice he can pass onto me, except the feeling of confusion.

Has everything bad happened because I stopped praying? The homelessness, the scabies, the drugs, the sex, the virus, the tears, the sobs, the dark nights, the loss of time, the insomnia and all other aspects of this. Has all this been God's justified punishment for my leaving him? And if that is the case, isn't it true that sometimes you can go to far when disciplining someone you love. You can take that step and get to greedy for seeing the victim suffer.

And in turn something clicks in the victim's mind. Perhaps, God didn't foresee this at all. I am sure he is bound to make mistakes.

I was being punished by God, I'll allow that fact to be true. I wanted life to earnestly, I was greedy and unknowing.

Why would I ever return to someone who has knowingly put me through so much pain? How could I go back to someone who I know rewards the simple and punishes those who want to discover?

The spark of creation, is burning bright inside me.

I appreciate this boy's honesty and his openness. Yet, he speaks of God from only a positive light. I am sure he knows the bad things, but I can tell him of my woes and we'll see. Maybe I won't, because it will take a lot of energy, I do feel this is true.