Go It Alone

I am having a minor episode right now, something that I feel will be a constant problem for several months now. I am trying to breath deep because everyone went out tonight or is in bed and not picking up their phones.

I'm terrified to lay down in my bed. I tried a moment ago and immediately thoughts of The Tall Man entered them. Then I began to think about what I would say to him, well what I will say to him when I saw him. My mind soon became a madhouse of issues and I had troubles breathing and my body tensed up.

It all sounds very dramatic I am sure. Yet, it's the way I work nowadays. I began feeling overwhelmed by the idea that he had a much more powerful affect over me. That this is what I feel and the fact that he probably feels nothing. Sure he may be worried about me, but all he portrayed. When I go back in my head and think of the gestures and things said. Then I realize they meant absolutely nothing apparently.

Something clicked in his mind, just suddenly to make him want to end it. To say, "We should stop having sex." Why when only days before we had sex twice in one day? Or that weeks before he was cuddling me and kissing me. That suddenly we should stop all that physical contact. That weeks before he was concerned what my friends thought of him! That now he tells me he has been dating other people!

And for these thoughts I feel lost and alone. I'm not ready to handle this all by myself. I'm not ready to sleep by myself. I'm not willing to close my eyes every night and think, "This is it. This could possibly be the most affection I will ever get." That my life will continue being a series of short affairs, never progressing past that: You're great, but I don't see this turning into anything serious.

Then I returned onto Manhunt. The vilest website on the earth, and yet so addictive. I had my first rejection, "I can't mess around with you...I know all about the safety precautions of HIV. But it wouldn't be fair to my boyfriend..."

Excuse me, did I hear you right? You're in an open relationship with your boyfriend, allowed to fuck other people. Since I was honest with you and we would've had safe sex anyways. It's not fair to YOUR boyfriend!? I'm having troubles breathing right now.

Why did he ever bother telling me about his personal life? Why did he have that serious conversation with me? It's the sort of conversation you have with people you want to be honest with? Isn't it? Why did he do these things and change his mind so quickly?

Why are these thoughts coming on? Why can't I push them out?