Iguana Contemplates His Life

After all those video posts, why not be real for a moment?

My mind seems to be buzzing since this Sunday and I can't sit down and THINK about something to say. To much is going through the mind, and it's leaving my very distracted. I am finding myself sitting on the subway, looking off into space with my mouth slightly open and my eyes wide.

Perhaps this is my normal face. I often bare the look of absolute fear when I walk down the street. I like to pretend that I am unaware of my face at all times, when in fact I am never unaware of it. I have to much control over it. My lazy eye, my sensual lips and my expressive forehead. It's all within my control...

Something to be proud of? I ask you?

The other night the sentence, "No wonder you can't keep guys around, you're a force of nature."

crack...that mirror is breaking. Though I am hardly mad at the person who said it, not in the least. I ask myself. Is that a compliment. I know who Alma Winemiller is. I have read and seen plays about her. I HAVE HER TATTOO'D ONTO MY RIGHT CALF!!! I know what happens to those who are forces of nature. They end up burned at the stake or deported and never heard from again.

I have sat in groups of people and heard myself talking and while I spoke I thought, "What are they thinking of me. Are they even listening? Do I sound so utterly fantastic that they could care less, but instead they are wondering when I will stop?" They want me to end my talking so they can utter a small laughter or a that's amazing/terrific/insane. So I can feel the satisfaction that I have once again been heard and understood.

I just finished reading (well I'm only page away) Michael Cunningham's Flesh & Blood. A book that captured my interest and wouldn't let go. Something in Michael's writing just takes me. He did long ago in The Hours and then last year in A Home at the End of the World. But in Flesh & Blood I found a character that I related to complete. I won't say who the character was, because I'm not done thinking about it. It frightened me a little and reading it so close to my birthday, has left me wondering much more than I should.

I've grown tired.