Until tomorrow night

The meeting with the Tall Man is going to happen tomorrow. It's weird talking to him on the phone smiling and being happy. It's not that I'm not happy. It's so strange I feel as though I've gained something (well I did) and suddenly my entire life has changed. All the rules that once applied are suddenly meaningless and though it's all new and strange. It's also strange and exciting. I've come to this conclusion:

Life is equal in good and bad moments. Though the good moments come in spurts, while the bad moments landslide in. To deal with it, you are in control and must do what you can do fight those bad moments. That's why I am not letting this get me down.

That aside, I admit there are times I wish to dig a hole and just scream into it until I can't scream anymore. I want to scream until my body heaves out all the disease and things return to how things once were. Which this may seem like I'm contradicting what I just said, but to scream is to live.

Last night while I was walking home in the snow I looked up in the sky and I felt a tug. Once again a tug to drop down and just cry. I kept walking and let the feeling go through me. My body tightened and I began to let out small moaning noises. It was the best I could do for the moment. I felt as if I would've faded into the sky if I didn't hold on.

I've gotten far from my point. It's strange to be so calm in the given situation, yet I feel nothing but calm. Why is this? Is it because I've grown so much that I can deal with even this? That the thoughts I had over a year ago, have withheld for all this time. Hibernating and waiting for the moment they would be useful?

I tell the Tall Man I look forward to seeing him, and I truly do. I just hope that he will still accept me for what I am now. And we can continue going and I can feel as if I am still what I always was...

Besides I'd like to believe that I am quiet the catch that wouldn't be easily thrown back into the water...but I may be giving myself way to much credit.