A Day Like No Other

My life is like a Beckett Play, the absurdity of it is difficult to understand by the untrained eye. Without telling all the female friends anything is wrong, they have all suddenly called, emailed or IM'd me just to say "Hi." Maybe it's because they too know that April is the cruelest month of the year? Or maybe there is something else.

Yet, yesterday was filled with more frustrations than I can count. This is where my life becomes absurd. I called into work and skipped class. I felt I was allowed. There is something very human in having a nervous breakdown, the experience of it is terrifying. I didn't go as crazy as I expected, I think that's because I had people on hand to comfort me. If I had been alone, who knows what would've happened. Lets hope I don't have to find out anytime soon.

I'm not saying I'd kill myself. But one of the reason I want to yell at The Tall Man is because he had the nerve and not the backbone to tell me over the phone. A 22-year-old just recently HIV positive gay male who for the last month has consecutively seen his whole world turned upside down. And you're going make a phone call at 11:30 PM at night and tell him that you never see anything developing from this relationship, but you value the friendship you have created with him. You just feel dirty because you have been seeing other people as well. So to get a clean bill of health you are going to come out in the open and tell him that despite the fact that you enjoy having sex, cuddling, hanging out with, talking to, being with this person. You should stop having sex. Because you don't want to be that guy who leads him on.

Well, I am SO glad you got that out of your system! You can go on being the fantastic person you are. Can't even say it to his face. You hang up your phone and I wonder for a moment if you even wondered what happened after that phone hung up. Could you hear the screaming? Could you feel the sobbing? The physical pain that was trying to push out of his body? The vile feeling he wanted to purge from his insides? No, I'm sure you missed all that because your conscience was restored again.

Can I tell you that I'm not surprised. I did think he would be an exception to the rule. That he wouldn't end up like the others. I'm never going to date someone significantly older again. I'm utterly sick and tired of the bullshit. Let's see I won't date 5 or more years. Actually I do believe I'll begin to resent anyone over the age of 26 in sexual pretenses. Of course this is all speculation and I probably will sleep with someone older again. Because if I hold true to that statement I will never date or have sex again.

I don't like to draw frightening parallels to my life, but seriously, wasn't this the exact issue that I was dealing with with The Gentleman Caller?? Except that this time they were actually brought out in the open. So obviously these are issues that I need to be aware of. Accordingly I have been dealing with them for the last 1.5 years.

So I took the day off school and went to see a show. That's what I needed to cheer me up. In The Heights was the show I fell into, and for the first time in my hundreds and hundreds of shows I've seen. It was canceled. We sat in the theater for an hour before they actually decided that. Then I returned home, wasting the day in Time Square, which is beginning to disgust me. What do I find waiting for me when I got home?

A rejection letter from an internship. The whipped cream on top of the best day of my life. And you tell me to keep my chin up? You can really utter those words out of your mouth and believe that it's true? I'll smile eventually again, perhaps it will mean something. Unless if what's broken with always remain broken.