Friend's have been amazing this weekend. Coming from all directions to comfort me. It really means a lot to me. It doesn't erradicate the emotions I'm going through still. I feel now I need to cling on this idea of friends to stay sane.
One thing about that is, I know they will be there. Which is comforting, but the other night when I was having a midnight panic attack I had to pack everything up and spend the night with my friend. I thought while packing my book bag, "So this is what it's like to feel completely helpless?" That I can't say, "No Britt! I am okay I'll be fine alone tonight." So I'm helpless? That's not such a bad thing.
I guess I need to search for that new thing. That thing that will give me hope again. An internship, or graduation? Or a trip to Amsterdam this Thanksgiving. Or a trip to San Francisco.
Last night I hung out with my old ex whom I had a short fling with. We played with his Wii (Super Smash Brother) and drank. We slept and he cuddled me. It's what I needed to sleep. I wasn't looking for sex from him. Though I know if I wanted it he would've given it to me. It was just nice to be held. It's the thing I'll miss most, that feeling of human protection. Especially, when you believed in it.
Funny that he said he wanted to make my life easier. Yet, he did the exact opposite. He threw a wrench in the machine and you can all see the results, already in progress.
I also find it universally prevalent that I went to see Night of the Iguana only days before this event occurred. For reasons I don't feel like explaining. Still lost, but searching for a solution of some kinds.
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