One Flew Over

After my father inadvertently asked me if I was on speed, I knew my trip home was coming to a close.

So I sit in the back of the car wondering what did I do to become the messed up one in my family. When did being excited and energetic about things suddenly become an accusal of being on drugs? I’m the first to admit I’m off, the nickname says it all. I’m 23, I’m a theatrical studies major at a CUNY school and I’m battling some issues outside of my comfort zones.

Everyone in my family holds daggers. We all seem to know the trump cards we can play on one another. My father, the patriarch, seems to hold them until he can play them assuredly and without much struggle. I’ve barely seen him this weekend and he chooses to drop this on me in the car. Ah, home again, home again.

Then I go through the opening act of apologizing for myself. Telling my parents I am trying to calm down and halfway through the sentence I stop and quote the great prophet Jerry Herman: I am what I am. That scores a point for me, right? The refusal to be embarrassed and ashamed. It means I’m getting more comfortable.

Then there are the facts. The traits I see in my parents and my Oma. The blatant WASP-y ways of my family. The belief that all issues can be cured by pure will. The constant want to believe that our family is the most normal of the other's around them.

Let’s go through what this presents to my life and what I can do to amend what may be weighing on my mind. First, there is the option to never return home again. I obviously have reached a point in my life where the border has been drawn. Me vs. Them. True, there will be unavoidable issues like Christmas. You do still [sort of] love the company of your mom and dad and immediate family. Yet, minimize the trips down to no more than two times a year.

Second, you can change. You know that these issues expand outside of your family. Everyone sort of always raises an eyebrow with you. Me vs. Myself. You have people telling you that you’re obsessive and fairly nuts. You’re not changing necessarily for them, just to work out issues. Which in a way is what you’re doing already?

Third, you can ignore it all and continue on being who you are and living the same pattern. Me vs. Nothing.

Am I standing at a crossroads? No better yet, am I driving down to a crossroads in a Greyhound bus and by the time I arrive back in Port Authority I must choose one.

Now for a solution. Yes, that’s right I have a solution. I have been doing well, I have been much calmer and I have been more orderly. I am touchy, I admit. I will snap and I will fight. Upstate, NY is my hometown. It was where I was raised, but I don’t live there anymore. This weekend I saw many people who had already given in. The thing is I am returning to a place that I am wedging myself into. I come home and I may snap or be sharp. I’d like to believe that people do enjoy my company, if not then I need some people to start speaking up. I am going to keep on trying to figure out how to mellow out. Each month along means a month of figuring that out. We’re entering seven months since life broke. Remember that. If you didn’t have a drastic mood change in life than something would’ve been more off.