Showing Your Wounds

When is the right time exactly? For those who date and never come up to the point where they need to be open with a person early enough in the relationship because you know telling them later will only cause complications. Telling someone you're HIV positive is such a strange situation. I have friends to demand that you must tell the person before sex. Now if it's just a hookup that is where the lines get blurred.

Whats the point of telling someone if you're going to fuck with a condom and then never see them again?

But for dating. When do you tell them? Do you tell them before the date? After the fourth? After the first? If we're playing by the rules it's before sex then obviously it must be soon cause gay men don't hold off on sex normally. And I mean do you want to wait for the moment before it happens to tell them.

I have just recently come to the conclusion that it's my choice of how I tell them. Sometimes it's in person, other times through email or IM. Call it impersonal, but at this point in our relationship aren't we not on that person level. And for a moment would you consider that it's for your benefit too?

I have sat there and watched people cry for me. People gracefully lie to me about how it'll be all okay, while they were already figuring out when they'll never see me again. I have watched my friend's eyes fill up with the thoughts of what they think will happen to me.

So if I choose to tell you electronically, it's about 50/50 in terms of why I am doing that.

So yea, regardless obviously something along these lines has happened to me. I told a guy I was dating and of course he's taking his time before he gives me a full reaction. Sure, that's his right. I presented him with something he will choose.

It's never my choice, because my choice has already been made apparently. That's a discussion for a different time.

Look at me, being serious.

The Undiscovered Son

I am the undiscovered son of Judy Garland,
And I can dance and sing and wear...fancy clothes.
And where as my sister, Liza, has to really work for applause,
All you have to do is look at me and you weep with standing ovations!

--Runaways (1978)

No Internet Yet, Just a Hoarse Voice

I took the day off or work to have my internet installed.

As I write I am at work. Something went awry. Very wrong. I spent the early afternoon screaming and not showered.

I am in a haze and internet-less until at LEAST Friday.

Edit: I'm a monster when I get angry. I think it has to do with the sadness that I've been trying to leave behind. I apologize to all those I've yelled at.

Real Time

That's right. Live update from my move. We're now on hour 4 and the movers have yet to arrive. Always active always intense here. I'm doing surprisingly well in the calmness factor of Level 8: Moving. They just called and told me they'd be here in about 40 minutes though. So I'm relieved.

Going to the gym and buying new headphones may not happen. Or I may run out to Union Square the moment we conclude. If I start to unpack, I will not stop until I'm almost through. I need those headphones tomorrow before I go to work or I may die. I may just buy two sets on for the shuffle and one (that's compatible) for the iPhone. Like buying two pairs of shoes, you can't wear them down as easy. Should I go to the mac store then? To make absolutely sure I don't get cheated?

I ask these questions now for later today I won't be able to publicly complain about them. So I'll get it all out now. Later it'll be me, alone and without a toilet seat or shower curtain.

To the Minute

Finished packing to the exact minute the movers should arrive. I am that exact. Should arrive...key word.

Post. Script.

Starting tomorrow I may not have internet for several days. So I will be silent. I haven't died. It just means I'm transitioning. Hopefully, I'll get it sooner than later. Hopefully.

Level 7: Signing the Lease

Why does moving and life suddenly feel like a Zelda game or a King's Quest classic from Sierra? It's been level after level. Seeing the place, making the decision when things got rough. Getting the security deposit and testing the keys. Calling Time Warner for Internet service.

Now signing the lease was a chore. I had to wake at 10 am because it was the only time Elizabeth and I could sign together. Elizabeth heard wrong and said we could pay by cheque. Wrong. So as she went off to work I had to hop into the landlord's car and drive to Brooklyn's Chinatown (only two avenues away) to an ATM that wouldn't work.

Mind you I needed to take out over 1,000 bucks. So that was already a gamble. So we luckily drove to another one (my iPhone wasn't working as well as I hoped.) and we went to as my landlord called it, "Jew Town" so the bank we found obviously wasn't open.

Oh, did I mention how my landlord gave me the skinny on how Hasids have sex. Oh, juicy indeed! It involves a sheet with a hole and a placing of the hat. That was before he told me about his journey to a strip club and catching Hasids there with their curls pushed back! Buzz, buzz.

The 1,000 dollar limit had been reached so I had to use my parent's emergency Credit Card. I feel bad, but they'll get their money back. And mind you it was an emergency. I had beat the ATM beast! Advance to Level 8: Moving.

Level 9: Living Without a Toilet Seat or Internet is a dozy!

Then I had to make a much longer than necessary trip back home via the Subway. Escape from Jew Mountain! Flaming Stars of David and yarmulkes as far as the eye can see!

If I Were Packing...

Then I'd be getting something accomplished. Well, I blame my 9-5 waste of life. It motivates me to do nothing. Nothing. I am so over my internship, purely when my Asian supervisor worked out a math equation to how long it would take me to simply modify 2,700 Articles in the achieve. Without breaking to do anything else. When I told him sometimes I pause to read the articles because they're interesting he replied with, "Learn not to do that."

That's why a month ago when they flirted the idea of being the newscaster on the radio sounded amazing. Now with nerves about life and moving and how mundane this internship is. I simply told them my heart wasn't in it.

Or when my supervisor asked me if I found this internship useful and all I could reply with was, "Well it helped me realize I never want a 9-5 cubicle job ever again. I can now officially answer that question. So, I guess it was helpful."

I will not get trapped into that lifestyle ever. Ever.

Update-tion

Quentin Crisp

I have been breaking balls this week. The week before and probably the weeks to follow. I've been making lists for moving and following them to the best of my abilities. I've found movers, found a wireless router. Actually called and sat through Time Warner's sales reps. While she and I started off as enemies, we ended as best friends.

ME: I don't know what a promotion is! I just want Internet at my apartment!
SALES REP: You called this number because you wanted a promotion. So I need to know what promotion that is?
ME: PROMOTION WHAT?! You can't promote when you don't have anything to go off of. I don't have any Internet at my apartment, therefore how could I promote onto something better?!

By the end Nancy (I think that was her name) and I were were singing I Will Never Leave You from Side Show. Yet, I did end up hanging up the phone. She's a gem, that Time Warner Sales Rep.

Get free boxes for moving! Possibly. It could also be Go to Staples for boxes. Depending on how the Grocery Store pans out. I'm not about to hunt down misshapen boxes so I can save a buck. I just want to have them there for packing.

On Sunday by noon I'd say. I should be in my apartment. Okay, I'll give myself until 2 pm. The only difficult part is that I know for a minimum, I won't have Internet connection until the 29th. Perhaps longer if the fates are cruel. It'll be a whole new world.

I shall also be venturing home soon. The weekend of August 9th. How grand that shall be, I actually wish to escape back home (unless it means I miss doing 'shrooms, which it won't). I'll have several days to sit and think of the oncoming year and how I will trudge march through it.

I will also start to plant the seed of an idea. Moving away from the City. From the place I'll have spent the last five years growing accustomed to. Question: Why? Answer: Not? I would probably want to return, most definitely, well eventually. Also, I haven't got a green thumb so it may just die before the seed can germinate.

And now some Production photos from Charles Mee plays:

<3>

Scenes With My Family: Being Blunt

(IGUANA waits in the lobby of a hotel that his brother and his girlfriend. He is slightly nervous and sweaty. IGUANA's BROTHER walks into the lobby.)

IGUANA: Hey how are you? Where's Rachel?

IGUANA's BROTHER: She's getting ready. You know how girls are?

IGUANA: Um...no actually I don't.

I.B.: (Laughs) I thought we'd run to the store while she gets ready. I got to pick up some things.

IGUANA: Yes, sure.

(They exit the lobby and walk down the street in silence. There is an awkwardness about them. A comfortable awkwardness that comes from over a decade of having lived together, but never knowing each other.)

IGUANA: This heat is horrible. I just sweat and sweat.

I.B.: Yes, it's hot.

IGUANA: So you guys shopped all day? Get anything good?

I.B.: (Shrugging) Well Rachel got lots of professional clothes for interviews for jobs. Listen, I have to tell you some things.

IGUANA: Huh?

I.B.: First. I smoke cigarettes. Don't ever tell mom!

IGUANA: (Small pause) Ha! She doesn't know!? You see her more than I do and every time she sees me she says, "I can tell you've been smoking." (IGUANA's BROTHER shakes his head) Heh, you must be very careful around her. She has a nose like a smoke alarm. I guess--

I.B.: I also smoke weed. I'm going to the store mainly to buy some blunts. Would you like to smoke with us?

IGUANA: (Stops in his tracks) HA! (Aside) Listen to me, I sound like Bette Davis! Well, yea that sounds terrific. I mean I wasn't sure if you still...

I.B.: I've never really stopped smoking weed.

(IGUANA pauses this moment is a fine line to walk and can turn awkward or okay at any moment.)

IGUANA: Sure, lets do this.

BLACKOUT

Wow. Life.

Perhaps normal things that happen seem phenomenal because I am used to the Lowest Common Denominator happening. The movers are set. The place is set. My school loans are almost set. MY security deposit will not be lost on this place, like before. I am seeing Passing Strange again before it closes so I can remember the wonderfulness that is that show. The Grocery Store will provide me with boxes so there's money saved. And tomorrow I am seeing a Beckett Short Play - Eh Joe with Liam Neeson.

I'm excited to be moving into my own place. It's all okay. Life is manageable. How amazing is that thought?

My brother is spending the night tonight. It's random, but necessary to life. How Passing Strange. I am going to probably meet his girlfriend tomorrow too. Strange indeed. I want to smile, which is odd for me. I think I shall!

Lastly for now I leave you with the Tony Performance of They're Playing Our Song. I see why Lucie Arnaz was so celebrated in this role. She's a hoot!

Passing Strange...Come Back

How did I let Passing Strange fly under my radar for so long? Tsk, tsk! Shame on me. I was depressed, so I will allow for it. But this show was stellar, truly amazing! I am so glad Spike Lee is filming it so it won't be lost.

Steam Room: Scene IV

(Two men sit in the steam room. The MAN sits there touching himself and enticing the nervous man sitting next to him. He touches him and the nervous man glances at the door every so often, but totally getting into it. IGUANA enters suddenly and there is a nervous rush to hide themselves. IGUANA sees the MAN and knows immediately what's happening. He smiles and sits adjacent to the MAN. The nervous man keeps to himself. The MAN looks at IGUANA and immediately goes in for his cock. IGUANA rolls his eyes and lets it happen and looks to the nervous man to see what his reaction is. Suddenly and without warning the BALD MAN and another man enter the steam room. As usual he is in the middle of a conversation. The nervous man jumps up and runs out of the steam room as if he will die if he stays a moment longer. IGUANA gets up and holds his breath as he tries not to burst out with laughter.)

BALD MAN: (Sarcastic and knowingly.) What? Did we interrupt something?

IGUANA: (Holding back laughter.) NO! I just can't breath!

BLACKOUT

Please Let This Come to the States...

So far here's the synopsis of Andrew Lloyd Webber's sequel to Phantom of the Opera. Also known as Phantom of the Opera: Once Upon Another Time. It speaks for itself, but I highlighted my favorite descriptive plot point that I hope to see on stage:

The Phantom, having fled Paris, is running a freak show. At night, he crawls into his lair and makes love to an automaton that looks like Christine. Christine, meanwhile, has become a famous opera singer. But she's fallen on hard times because her husband, Raoul, has squandered their fortune. So she's accepted a high-paying gig from a mysterious impresario to open a new amusement park. On her first night in New York, she draws back the curtain in her hotel suite and comes face to face with her new employer — flash of lightning, crash of chords — the Phantom! Christine has a child, Gustave, but is his father Raoul or the Phantom?

I'm buying my tickets now. Please God don't let this deter it's way to Broadway. I pity and envy any person who works on this show.

Steady, Steady

If I suddenly took control. If I suddenly grabbed the bull by the horns. If I suddenly began plotting and made the conscious decision that never again was I going to let my life slide out of control. Would I be able to do that? People in their later years have no right to tell early younger people to learn to stop worrying or to take life in control.

If I said right now:

I will finish college in 2009. I will graduate. I will move away. I will find a job I enjoy and write plays in the meantime. I will eventually, around 31/32 have a transfer back to NYC where I will have my Broadway premiere. I will be nominated and win a Tony award. I will bask in success and then retire down someday and make the final edits for my anthology that is being published.

In a time of The Secret and positive thinking. Wouldn't that mean this is all possible? I think it's time to take control of the situation.

A role I was meant to play.

Despite the fact I am creating an award database from scratch and my brain is fried. When I find gems like this I love life. It's a long lost Shaw classic, didn't you know?

Real Entry about Moving

I'm leaving Park Slope soon. It's been a year to remember, I think. I am moving into my own apartment with a dear friend Elizabeth. I'm getting my first lease. My first friend/roommate. My first place I can call my own.

Here I can learn to cook. I can have guys over for sex. I can work on my writing. I can host parties. I can smile. I can proceed to heal. I can have Elizabeth around to keep me company. I can have someone around when I panic. I can live comfortably with a friend. How odd.

It's my time, coming through. I am excited and nervous. I mean it'll be a whole set of rules I'm not used to. Speaking of which, my old roommate. For a year of living together we REALLY never talked, because I'm just discovering that he has no social skills whatsoever. A year in and I discover this. Who knew?

Hurrah

We have an apartment. We have an apartment in Sunset Park. Hurrah, happy days! Now need to plan the moving thing. Here we go.

My First Day in my 24th Year

A wonderful friend point out I'm living in my 24th Year. How very Chinese. I have several things to say, but not enough time to say them. So they will have to wait. It's sort of exciting news and a manifesto on my deciding to become anonymous. Which means the Photo-A-Day will be disappearing for good.

E. Iguana is my sobriquet and I feel like I can't really talk about issues that have played a big part in my life recently. I don't necessarily want people to know who this is and to see my picture anymore. I want to discuss issues freely, but not feel as though I'm going to be persecuted. You'll soon find I have a lot of bitschues to discuss.

It's been really slacking around here for a while. And I'm Getting My Act Together and Taking It On The Road as it were! If the four of you don't like it (oh five now, hi Eric) there's the door. I only needed four of you anyway.

Oh and in other news. See Title of Show. It's totally worth it!

As Tradition States...

This is the day I was born, this is the day I begin.

Happy Birthday

A Different Encounter

Today a Photographer came an took some pictures of me for a project he's working on. Call it sketchy, call it whatever. It was fun. He was very nice and we had been talking through emails for almost a week and a half. It was really cool to watch him go about his business with the lighting and the camera.

He even gave me an early birthday present. Which was sweet and strange, but I so loved it. It was an interesting experience and he said he'll give me some of the prints too.

Sinus Attack

This weather has destroyed my sinuses. Happy Birthday indeed! So much pressure and so much snot. You'll notice I'm not really reporting anything that's going on with my life. I'll give you stuff to know when anything is cemented.

What's Awkward

Is being born 4 days AFTER the 4th of July. Yup, my birthday. July 8th, 1776. Totally awkward.

Buy a Ticket to [TOS]

SUPPORT SUPPORT!!! But a Ticket! It's a great show honestly!

Picture-A-Day #80

This is my hair after taking the time to wash it and then going to sleep on it for 6.5 hours.

I took the day off work because I realized how tired I was, how much I was coughing and how much green slime was coming out of my nose. So since 8:30 until basically now (4 PM) I have been sleeping. Thank you Melatonin. I need to go out and buy more tissues.

Hearing Reality

I'm going to test myself. Six days ago I ordered this wonderful pair of headphones. They somehow broke. I am hardly a stranger to broken headphones. No, I am not. Which is why I never go out and buy headphones more that cost more than say $50 and that's the maximum amount. I refuse to believe that a pair of $150 dollar headphones will be any less susceptible to damages than the cheaper pair. Especially, with how randomly the wiring messed up on these.

Now, I panicked because when this happens I need to buy new ones right away. Since iPhones are so clever they have made a jack that only supports iPhone specific headphone plugs. Fuck you Apple, fuck you. Which means you have to basically buy them from an Apple store. Blah blah blah. Seriously? Burden of life, I tell you!

Anyway, I came to realize today that I haven't listened to the world in about four years. I don't know if I'm a rare or common case, but I haven't been on the subway or walked down the street without music playing in my ears for longer than say an hour.

I did it for two purposes. One being that I wanted to drown out the city and possible comments I may hear. The second being, well it's nice to have music.

And you know what. Perhaps I should get used to not having music. Doing things like working in a cubicle may be difficult, but I can do it. Right? I think. We shall see, consider this a test run.

Wall-E and I

So watching Wall-E I was literally in tears because of the following things I have in common with that adorable robot:

• We both are loners — I spent the first 15 years of my life playing by myself. I never had any sleepovers with anyone other than my cousins. No friends. Honestly.
  
• We both grew up surrounded by garbage — My first play area was an abandoned school bus in the garbage dump of the Garage that my dad owned.
  
• We both love musical theater — Um duh.
• We both are hopeless romantics — Despite my activities, I still believe in love. It only takes a moment.

I am am not sure if I should sue Disney/Pixar for stealing my story without my permission and finishing the ending. I am sure though, that Wall-E is a Cancer. Since he was technically born on June 27th.

To the impending day: July 8th

I just sort of planned my Twenty-Threesome Birthday party. Two other people are invited.

Sometimes I feel like I'm dancing as fast as I can. Eh, it's fun.